TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Paternal family not interested in Special needs daughter.

ed11563 · Guru

If they live five minutes away, the Mom can start dropping in with Meghan on Saturday or Sunday afternoons.

Drive over, and if there is a car in the driveway, ring the bell, and ask whoever answers if they have a few minutes to take a walk together with their grandchild and her.

If they don't answer the door, keep coming over.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, sending the gifts back would just be idiotic. Grow up mom.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, sending the gifts back would just be idiotic. Grow up mom.

Why?

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

So, she's complaining they aren't involved but then this attempt at being involved will be rebuffed? That is very CHILDISH and immature on her part. As a grown up, she should let her daughter have her gifts. I can't believe I even have to explain that to you.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Sometimes in life, things are not picture perfect. And, sometimes you just have to accept what is. And, at least keeping some ties might be some connection on some level to HER.. Also, you don't what will happen later in life. Sometimes in life you have connections that you really don't avail yourself of until years later.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
So, she's complaining they aren't involved but then this attempt at being involved will be rebuffed? That is very CHILDISH and immature on her part. As a grown up, she should let her daughter have her gifts. I can't believe I even have to explain that to you.

And when her daughter is old enough to ask who the presents are coming from? Buying a gift is easy. Children need time, not things.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yes, so what is your point?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

My neighbor was raising her grandkids because mom was in jail. The father of the kid was not involved whatsoever. The paternal grandparents were hit and miss. And, we were chatting about it one day. And, she figured that some involvement was better than NO involvement and that even though they were hit and miss, to just accept what is. Over time, the relationship will either work itself out or it won't.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

LW needs to just accept things they way they are.

Let the daughter keep the token gifts.

Don't expect anything more.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

This is a special needs child. Usually that entails cognitive disabilities as well. You think the child will be upset because someone doesn't visit or give her a gift? What world are you living in? The kid won't care unless YOU make a big deal out of it. And then, the kid still won't care.

Special needs kids are usually the happiest kids on the face of the earth. They generally don't give a cRap who gives them what or when. A gift is just that, a gift. The kid will be happy with just the gift.

Mom needs to get over herself and perceiving an "injustice" that probably really isn't there. If the grandparents have an issue with their grandchild being special needs, that's on them, at least they are sending gifts. Let them.

Mom, the world does not revolve around you.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

You can't make people care. You can't force a relationship. It will either happen or it won't. Does that suck? Yes. But, there is nothing you can do to force a relationship with people who don't care enough to have one. They send her gifts. Maybe that is all they will ever do. Or maybe at some point something will click in their heart. Or not. I would simply just give her the gifts.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
So, she's complaining they aren't involved but then this attempt at being involved will be rebuffed? That is very CHILDISH and immature on her part. As a grown up, she should let her daughter have her gifts. I can't believe I even have to explain that to you.
And when her daughter is old enough to ask who the presents are coming from? Buying a gift is easy. Children need time, not things.
flan

You tell her. Why would you keep her father's family a secret. This child may end up having a relationship with this family once she is old enough to do so without her mother's involvement.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
So, she's complaining they aren't involved but then this attempt at being involved will be rebuffed? That is very CHILDISH and immature on her part. As a grown up, she should let her daughter have her gifts. I can't believe I even have to explain that to you.
And when her daughter is old enough to ask who the presents are coming from? Buying a gift is easy. Children need time, not things.
flan

Not sure what you mean? You give her the gifts and say these are from Grandpa and grandma Smith. Not sure what is so hard about that?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

And I think the mother is just trying to protect her daughter.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

And I think the mother is just trying to protect her daughter.

flan

Protect her in what way? They send gifts so give her the gifts? What does 'protecting my daughter" have to do with giving her the gifts or sending them back? That is downright silly.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Why would it be better to pretend she doesn't have paternal grandparents? And how much of this is on the mom? She's complaining they don't come see the child, but how welcoming is she. Does she take the kid to them? SHE is probably the problem, not the kid - they probably don't want to see her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

What is the big problem? Would you like them to be more involved? Sure. But, I had a different relationship with one set of grandparents versus the other. I just accepted it. Kids accept things if parents aren't running around whining and crying about all the "injustice" of the world. And, some grandparents just aren't as involved. I mean when I was growing up the only time I really saw my grandparents was at holidays. And, they sent me a birthday card. They didn't come to sports events and weren't involved to the level we now expect nowadays. That just wasn't expected. And, you have different levels of relationships with people. Mom only wants people involved exactly on HER terms. Well, that isn't real life.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I think MANY children born out of wedlock don't have as close a relationship with the father's family.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mom sending back the gifts is all about HER.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mom sending back the gifts is all about HER.

And you have a right to your opinion.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mom sending back the gifts is all about HER.
And you have a right to your opinion.
flan

She can do that or not. But the person paying the Price for her bitchiness is her own kid.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Do you not understand that whining and bellyaching about the grandparents serves NO purpose OTHER than to make the child feel bad? DH's parents were not involved with our kids. Oh well, it was THEIR loss. They had a very close relationship with my family. So, we saw them when we saw them. And, when DH's mother was dying, I drug all the kids to the hospital to sit by her bedside and tell her that we loved her while she was dying because it was the right thing to do. So, sitting around and running other people's inventory says more about the person running then inventory than it does the person.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mom sending back the gifts is all about HER.
And you have a right to your opinion.
flan

She can do that or not. But the person paying the Price for her bitchiness is her own kid.

Because of some damn toys?

She wants a real relationship for her daughter, not some tokens that, in all likelihood, ease the grandparents' conscience.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mom sending back the gifts is all about HER.
And you have a right to your opinion.
flan

She can do that or not. But the person paying the Price for her bitchiness is her own kid.
Because of some damn toys?
She wants a real relationship for her daughter, not some tokens that, in all likelihood, ease the grandparents' conscience.
flan

I really don't understand you at all. She cannot force a relationship. It will either happen or it won't. If not, just give the kids the toys. You are really under a lot of delusions that you can control other people. You can't.

FNW · Guru

It's no secret that I am "protecting" my boys from the mean behavior of their paternal family. But we make no big deal out of it. Oh, here's something Grandpa J and A send you for your birthday. Be sure and write a thank you note. Oh, a card from Aunt B. With $7.00. How nice. Let's put that in your bank and be sure and thank her. The boys haven't asked to see them or why they don't see them. THey just know that there is family out there and they send a gift twice a year. The love they receive from us and from my family has been enough. A lot of kids don't even have that.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

The only person Mom controls is Mom. Sooo, she can either get back to living her life and caring for her daughter or she can sit around and be bitter and whiny over what others are not doing. That really seems like a huge waste of time to me.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mom sending back the gifts is all about HER.
And you have a right to your opinion.
flan

She can do that or not. But the person paying the Price for her bitchiness is her own kid.
Because of some damn toys?
She wants a real relationship for her daughter, not some tokens that, in all likelihood, ease the grandparents' conscience.
flan

I really don't understand you at all. She cannot force a relationship. It will either happen or it won't. If not, just give the kids the toys. You are really under a lot of delusions that you can control other people. You can't.

I don't understand you.

She is NOT controlling them. She is choosing not to accept toys.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

I have to agree with LGS.

The issue is mom, not the kid.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And if she doesn't accept the toys, she is cutting out the only little contact they do have with the kid, which will probably end any chance for a relationship at all. She should accept the toys, say thank you, and when the child is old enough, teach the child to be thankful for the gifts and write thank you notes. The mother should NOT choose to cut them out completely b/c they don't do enough to please her.

msrock · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.

I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.

FNW · Guru

Personally, if this mother wanted to write a note to the grandparents telling them why she was returning the gifts, she has gumption. So why not just write a letter thanking them for the gift, and explaining that the gift of their love and attention would also be welcomed. Remind them that the bond between child and grandparent begins when they are young, or else it's lost, and they can't ever expect to gain it later. And she would like to see them have that same bond they share with their other grandchildren with this one. Then let it go and move on with your life, and accept all gifts, even theirs.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

msrock wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.

Why are the damn gifts so important? As the mother of a special needs child, I'm sure she knows her daughter will have a tough road ahead of her.

flan

ed11563 · Guru

FNW wrote:
Personally, if this mother wanted to write a note to the grandparents telling them why she was returning the gifts, she has gumption. So why not just write a letter thanking them for the gift, and explaining that the gift of their love and attention would also be welcomed. Remind them that the bond between child and grandparent begins when they are young, or else it's lost, and they can't ever expect to gain it later. And she would like to see them have that same bond they share with their other grandchildren with this one. Then let it go and move on with your life, and accept all gifts, even theirs.

Good advice.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
msrock wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.
Why are the damn gifts so important? As the mother of a special needs child, I'm sure she knows her daughter will have a tough road ahead of her.
flan

Because they are the only connection to her father's family, and they want to send her gifts. It is THEIR way of acknowledging her even though they don't have a real relationship with her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

msrock wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.
Why are the damn gifts so important? As the mother of a special needs child, I'm sure she knows her daughter will have a tough road ahead of her.
flan

And, so filling her head about all the injustices of the world and pointing out how your grandparents don't love you will help her HOW?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

msrock wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.

It's a message board. A flair of the dramatic is what we do, lol. biggrin

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

msrock wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.
Why are the damn gifts so important? As the mother of a special needs child, I'm sure she knows her daughter will have a tough road ahead of her.
flan

Flan, let's assume they are complete Aholes. So she gets a few gifts from them. So what?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

FNW wrote:

Personally, if this mother wanted to write a note to the grandparents telling them why she was returning the gifts, she has gumption. So why not just write a letter thanking them for the gift, and explaining that the gift of their love and attention would also be welcomed. Remind them that the bond between child and grandparent begins when they are young, or else it's lost, and they can't ever expect to gain it later. And she would like to see them have that same bond they share with their other grandchildren with this one. Then let it go and move on with your life, and accept all gifts, even theirs.

I see your point , but lecturing people rarely brings about the intended result. However, if I were her, since they live 5 min away, I would just invite them to assorted things like a birthday party or Easter egg hunt or whatever and if they come, they come. If they don't they don't. Then, she has done her job and has at least tried to extend the olive branch. It's up to them to take it or not. If they don't , they don't, then just accept the gifts and that's it.

TrudyML · Guru

This is when a drive by shooting at the grandparents works. Why no one has suggested it is beyond me.

msrock · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
msrock wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.

It's a message board. A flair of the dramatic is what we do, lol.

Well in that case I believe that the paternal grandparents are choosing to be complete losers to this grandchild. I wonder if their son is involved that much with his daughter or if he is an a hole too. I'm just going to assume he is since these people raised him.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I have already said as much!

TrudyML · Guru

*bang*

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

msrock wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
msrock wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
No, she is choosing to be a sanctimonious bitch by not giving her kid the gifts.
I think that's a little harsh. She hasn't done anything yet. She was asking for advice. We don't know how old she is. I'm sure you aren't the same person you are today that you were 20 years ago.

It's a message board. A flair of the dramatic is what we do, lol.
Well in that case I believe that the paternal grandparents are choosing to be complete losers to this grandchild. I wonder if their son is involved that much with his daughter or if he is an a hole too. I'm just going to assume he is since these people raised him.

We don't know that it is them. She said they came to the hospital a few times to see the baby. How did she treat them? Did she make them feel unwelcome? We don't even know why her and the kid's father broke up.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, it isn't her job to "make them feel welcome". They are adults and if she was with an ill baby, then they are being ridiculous if they expect her to hold court with them. And, back at them, what SHE does, does not absolve them from being absent in the child's life unless she truly prevents them from seeing the kid.

msrock · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, it isn't her job to "make them feel welcome". They are adults and if she was with an ill baby, then they are being ridiculous if they expect her to hold court with them. And, back at them, what SHE does, does not absolve them from being absent in the child's life unless she truly prevents them from seeing the kid.

I agree. They should be a support system for her. Not the other way around.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, it isn't her job to "make them feel welcome". They are adults and if she was with an ill baby, then they are being ridiculous if they expect her to hold court with them. And, back at them, what SHE does, does not absolve them from being absent in the child's life unless she truly prevents them from seeing the kid.

I wasn't talking about hosting them, I'm talking about how she spoke to them, etc. If she was a bitch whenever they came around, or complained about their son, etc., why would they continue to do so?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

msrock wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, it isn't her job to "make them feel welcome". They are adults and if she was with an ill baby, then they are being ridiculous if they expect her to hold court with them. And, back at them, what SHE does, does not absolve them from being absent in the child's life unless she truly prevents them from seeing the kid.
I agree. They should be a support system for her. Not the other way around.

See. If you carefully read my posts, you will see what a reasonable, rational person I am.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, it isn't her job to "make them feel welcome". They are adults and if she was with an ill baby, then they are being ridiculous if they expect her to hold court with them. And, back at them, what SHE does, does not absolve them from being absent in the child's life unless she truly prevents them from seeing the kid.
I wasn't talking about hosting them, I'm talking about how she spoke to them, etc. If she was a bitch whenever they came around, or complained about their son, etc., why would they continue to do so?

Why would they? Because that is THEIR grandchild. So, yeah, even if she is a total B, then they still have to TRY. You don't just shrug and give up on your kids and grandkids.