Dear Amy: My wife and I came to this country from halfway around the world nearly 50 years ago. We are both professionals — hardworking people with Type A personalities.
With the utmost TLC, we raised three children who are now in their early 40s, highly successful, and with their own lovely families. They live far away from us.
We are highly regarded, loved and respected — mainly because we have accumulated considerable knowledge and experience over the years and treat everyone with love and respect. However, to our adult children, we don’t seem to do or say anything quite right, from tipping in a restaurant to purchasing a piece of property to driving a vehicle.
How should we respond to this fairly constant criticism from our children? — Upset Parents
DETROIT FREE PRESS
Father’s demanding career as a doctor eclipsed parenting
Dear Parents: You describe yourselves as Type A personalities. I assume your children are, too. Some of this need to offer “helpful” feedback might be more temperamental than judgmental.
Is any of this criticism helpful to you? If so, then accept it. Remember, too, that when you were the ages of your children you were (presumably) thousands of miles away from your own parents, and thus not able to offer them lots of condescending feedback. (Or perhaps your home culture forbids this sort of intergenerational interchange).
This change in the parent/child dynamic is quite common, and I have to confess doing this to my own mother, trying to weigh in on choices that had nothing to do with me.
My mother batted me downgently — but perhaps you need to be a little more assertive. Each time this starts, remind them: “We don’t criticize your choices and don’t appreciate you criticizing ours. We’ve been successfully tipping (driving, purchasing things, etc.) for a very long time. This critique has become habitual on your part, and we don’t like it. So please stop.”
One of my mother’s favorite responses was to say, with a sigh: “I hope I live long enough to watch you handle this with your own children.” Happily, she did.
That would get old--but--I have to wonder two things.
A. Are the kids right?
And
B. Is this a symptom of how they raised their kids? I mean, if they were exceedingly critical of their kids when they were growing up, this is a natural consequence.
That doesn't mean they have to put up with constant haraunging, but I do think that understanding the dynamic and admitting if they play a role will be more useful than simply saying "well, everyone else respects us, so why don't our kids". Your kids are not "everyone else".
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
