Dear Amy: My daughter is a senior in high school. She went back to school this fall with no close friends.
Her childhood friends of 10-plus years told her during junior year that they don’t like the boy she’s seeing (they broke up months later) and she is not as focused on her future as they think she should be. They said they will be her friends if she proves herself worthy.
Obviously, they are not true friends, but this has damaged her deeply. She goes to therapy weekly, but she can’t seem to move past the hurt.
She had been treated for depression and anxiety prior to this event. It has also affected my friendships with the girls’ mothers. The women feel bad and seem to think that our friendship shouldn’t be affected. We’ve been friends for years and they did nothing to help the situation.
This has been a horrible year for me as I’ve seen my daughter suffer. What can I say or do to let them know it’s too difficult to remain friends? — Hurting for My Daughter
Dear Hurting: You can tell these adult friends that you feel they have had opportunities to be helpful — but they haven’t been, and you are disappointed. You don’t need to make a pronouncement about the future of your friendship.
Concentrate on your daughter. Walk with her and treat her with tenderness. Her experience is extremely painful — and quite common. A friendship breakup is a very tough abandonment to shoulder. You are experiencing it yourself. Prompt her to discuss this in therapy — and with you.
She has a golden opportunity to start over when she gets to college. Pull out the stops to help her get there.
Damaged deeply? Treat her with tenderness because this is "extremely painful"? Um, yeah. Yeah, it sucks when you find out you have fair weather friends.
But, so what? That's life. Get tougher feelings. She's a senior and will be moving on anyway.
On the other hand, if she is this fragile, then maybe her friends are spot on regarding their advice?
Damaged deeply? Treat her with tenderness because this is "extremely painful"? Um, yeah. Yeah, it sucks when you find out you have fair weather friends. But, so what? That's life. Get tougher feelings. She's a senior and will be moving on anyway.
On the other hand, if she is this fragile, then maybe her friends are spot on regarding their advice?
But that is a tough age to lose friends. It shapes you, may make her an introvert and have a feeling of low self confidence. Mom needs to help her explore acitivities so she meets like minded people
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Damaged deeply? Treat her with tenderness because this is "extremely painful"? Um, yeah. Yeah, it sucks when you find out you have fair weather friends. But, so what? That's life. Get tougher feelings. She's a senior and will be moving on anyway.
On the other hand, if she is this fragile, then maybe her friends are spot on regarding their advice?
That's what I think too, kids pick up on weaknesses and tend to run the other way, friendship wise.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
This girl needs to be taught to stand up for herself Mom. You are raising a whiny crying ball of wimp. She should tell her friends that she is sorry they feel that way but she loves her BF and they can either accept that or not. IF they don't, then move on to other friends. Or, maybe sniveling mom needs to step back and look at the relationship with the BF and maybe the girls are right. Who knows? In life, you need to do what YOU believe is best whether others like it or not. But, now , we have raised our kids with the "everyone must rubberstamp your choices for you to be a whole person" nonsense.
All my friends were upper classmen. So my Senior year, I had no friends in the school.
What did I do?
I made new friends.
Caitlyn had a rough Senior year.
Jesse is dealing with friend issues this, his senior year, too.
You know what they both did?
Made new friends.
Senior year is tough. People are beginning to go separate ways.
That's life.
Mom needs to help her daughter see that all those people in high school are going to be distant memories about a month after graduation.
Does this girl not have friends outside of school?
That's strange.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
OK - this happened b/c she was dating a boy they didn't like. Did she neglect her friends because of the boyfriend and now that they are over she wants her friends back and they have hurt feelings of their own?
It's a complicated thing, but you can't make kids be friends.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
OK - this happened b/c she was dating a boy they didn't like. Did she neglect her friends because of the boyfriend and now that they are over she wants her friends back and they have hurt feelings of their own?
It's a complicated thing, but you can't make kids be friends.
It isn't for MOM to try navigate the shark infested waters of High School Friendships. You have to step back and let your child sort things out for themselves. So of DD's friends are 2 faced jerks. She has finally come to realize that. But, they have a common goal in being part of the same team. They dont' have to like each other but they have to play together. Just like you have to work with bosses and coworkers you might not like or deal with clients or customers you don't like blah, blah. Same thing with teachers, sorry kid, you don't have to LIKE all of your teachers. In fact, I prefer it if they don't. I used to go find out who the "mean" teachers were so I could request them because I knew that at least they demanded some things from the kids.
OK - this happened b/c she was dating a boy they didn't like. Did she neglect her friends because of the boyfriend and now that they are over she wants her friends back and they have hurt feelings of their own?
It's a complicated thing, but you can't make kids be friends.
This--and really, what does she expect the other mothers to do? It sounds like they are sympathetic, but they are confronted with that same truth--they can't "make" their daughters be friends with the LW's daughter.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I get a bit of this too. DD was asked to play for an out of town AAU basketball team. And, the other girls and their parents are pissy about it. What is DD supposed to do, apologize for wanting to play more basketball? And, some of these other girls are on travel softball teams, etc so go figure.
