Dear Prudence, Recently I decided to get a job teaching English abroad. I felt fortunate to get hired exactly where I wanted to go and am now happily living in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. The problem is my parents. I knew they would be appalled at the idea of their young daughter going to live in the Middle East, even in a relatively safe place like Dubai. So ... I told them I had accepted a job in Tokyo. I’ve been living in Dubai for eight months, and as far as I know they haven’t caught on. I’ve made up stories about struggling with sushi and the Japanese language and even spent a fair amount of time learning about Japan to make my lie more believable. My parents don’t use social media, so there isn’t much danger of them finding out via that route. I love my life here in Dubai and would like to renew my contract, but I feel awful for lying to them! I also feel awful imagining how they will feel if they ever find out the truth. Please help me figure out what to do that will hurt my parents (and me!) the least.
—An American Abroad
Oh, wow. First and foremost, I’m so impressed by your ability to sustain a lie of this magnitude for over half a year. This was sort of a plot on Friends, but you’re pulling it off in real life.
You’ve probably considered your options, but let’s lay them out. You can spend your life hoping they never find out. You’ll periodically make up facts about Tokyo and feign a familiarity with the Japanese language you do not actually possess. If your parents ever introduce you to a Japanese-speaking person, you will be sunk. This will be a lot of work and a lot of stress, probably for nothing; they’ll almost certainly find out somehow, at some point. They’ll be mad at you, and you’ll fight, and they’ll do whatever it is that they do when they get mad at you.
Or you can tell them and save yourself years of stress every time you pass a sushi restaurant. You’ll have to have a lot of difficult conversations in your life, and you won’t be able to get out of them by pretending to move to Japan. That can’t work more than once or twice.
So: Should you tell them while you’re still abroad in Dubai, or wait until you come home? My vote is to do it now, while you’re still overseas and thus harder to yell at. (I’m afraid you are going to get yelled at. That can’t be helped.) There’s not much to say beyond, “Mom and Dad, I told you a stupid lie because I couldn’t handle the thought of your getting mad at me, and it’s gone on for too long, and I have to tell you the truth.”
Tell them you’re not in Tokyo, get yelled at, renew your contract, enjoy Dubai and the peaceful sleep of the honest, and learn to face your parents’ wrath head on in the future. The good news: This has to be the maddest they’ll ever get at you. After this, everything they get mad about will feel like nothing.
HAHAHA. Crazy. I think they'll be more angry that he/she lied than them living in Dubai. Once the anger dies down, they'll worry about the safety of their child, too.
My parents worried about me when I was traveling the world. But I made sure they received some form of communication every few days so they knew I was okay. And this was back in the day when people called collect, and my cell phone was not international.
Apparently she isn't quite as grown up as she would like to believe.
Adults don't lie.
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Believe me as someone who's young daughter interned in a business in the middle east, yes they will worry but it would be far worse on them to be lied to. It may be a long time before they can trust her.
and not just did she lie, she made up a WHOLE bunch of crap. Like LOTS of lies. Stories that she had to spend a lot of time on keeping up her ruse. All of that time invested in lies. I would be furious...
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and not just did she lie, she made up a WHOLE bunch of crap. Like LOTS of lies. Stories that she had to spend a lot of time on keeping up her ruse. All of that time invested in lies. I would be furious...
Yeah, she compounded the problem with lie after lie for 8 months. Childish And stupid.
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Good question. What is she going to say when they want her address so they can send her a package. Imagine how her parents are going to feel being lied to and most likely they told all their friends and family. I agree with the others she is very immature.
My cousin did something like this. He's in the Navy. He got deployed to Iraq with the Army. He told his mom that he was doing the same job while on loan to the Army that he does in the Navy - supply clerk that never really left the base. Truth was, he was that guy walking ahead of a patrol looking for IUDs. He knew his mom was worried enough with him being there, didn't want to add on that he was at risk of stepping on an IUD daily. The rest of us all knew and kept his secret. She didn't find out until he was home showing us some pictures of one of the palaces. She was too happy he was home safe - and impressed we all kept our stories straight for a year - she wasn't as mad about the lie.
My cousin did something like this. He's in the Navy. He got deployed to Iraq with the Army. He told his mom that he was doing the same job while on loan to the Army that he does in the Navy - supply clerk that never really left the base. Truth was, he was that guy walking ahead of a patrol looking for IUDs. He knew his mom was worried enough with him being there, didn't want to add on that he was at risk of stepping on an IUD daily. The rest of us all knew and kept his secret. She didn't find out until he was home showing us some pictures of one of the palaces. She was too happy he was home safe - and impressed we all kept our stories straight for a year - she wasn't as mad about the lie.
I'm guessing you meant IEDs, DG.
The thought of a soldier trying not to step on IUDs, caused me to burst out laughing!
I agree with the posters here about the LW. She should not have lied to her parents, but in a sense I can understand why she did.
My dad lied to his mother while he was fighting in Korea. He had a friend in San Francisco whom he sent his letters home too and the friend then mailed them from SF home. No one is his family knew he was in the thick of war.
I often wondered how his parents would have felt if he had been killed over there.
I never heard grandma speak of that time ever. I think it was always a bone of contention between them.
Dad and his mom where so much a like. Stubborn to the core.
He rarely spoke of that time of war. His sister did not know he was a sniper until a few years ago. I have always thought it was sad that they lacked communication with each other. And I know it stemmed back to that time of their lives.
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Why would anyone in their right mind - let alone a younger woman - go to work in Dubai? Safe?? Oh, yeah... I only hope she does not get a dose of reality while she is there or, worse, marry a devout Muslim because she falls in love with him... Believe she would have a hard time leaving if she married...
Why would anyone in their right mind - let alone a younger woman - go to work in Dubai? Safe?? Oh, yeah... I only hope she does not get a dose of reality while she is there or, worse, marry a devout Muslim because she falls in love with him... Believe she would have a hard time leaving if she married...
Because some young people are naive and think they are invincible and it won't happen to me, and blah, blah, blah. They lack wisdom.
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I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Why would anyone in their right mind - let alone a younger woman - go to work in Dubai? Safe?? Oh, yeah... I only hope she does not get a dose of reality while she is there or, worse, marry a devout Muslim because she falls in love with him... Believe she would have a hard time leaving if she married...
Because some young people are naive and think they are invincible and it won't happen to me, and blah, blah, blah. They lack wisdom.
Which is proven by the fact that she keeps lying to her parents!
I would be sad if DS lied to DH and I about something this big. Not so much because of the lie but because he felt that he couldn't tell us something so big. We want him to feel comfortable telling us anything and everything. If he doesn't feel comfortable coming to us with something, we've failed as parents.
Oh, no, no, no. Japan freaks parents out. And they are horrible when they visit - I watched many friends go through that culture clash. When I lived there, I met my mom in Hawaii for a vacation - so much better. Really.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I could see lying about a trip. I used to keep alot from my parents because Dad was very controlling and I didn't want to be harrassed leading up to said trip. He thought I needed permissiom. Um no sorry Dad....
I would have told them the truth about moving though. Geesh.
Though I might have waited until the last minute again....to not be hassled for weeks leading up to it.
So many questions about how she maintained the lie for 8 months. How do they communicate where there is no clues about location? Anyway, what a stupid thing to do.
I would say that with contract renewal coming up, now would be the time to make a move to the truth, tell her parents she is going to renew her overseas teaching, but is going to Dubai. Maybe they'll never find out about "Japan."
