TOTALLY GEEKED!

huskerbb · Guru

Here's where it starts

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Abby gave her good advice.

Dump him now.

huskerbb · Guru

Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Abby gave her good advice.
Dump him now.

She absolutely did--but I'm betting abby isn't the only one who has given her that advice, yet she is still looking for a different answer. What she wants is someone to be on her "side", or at least the side of what she thinks she wants to do.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb in saying that her parents and friends have told her numerous times to get rid of him, but she hasn't. Now she feels isolated because nobody "understands" or some other such nonsense. She doesn't like his behavior, she knows deep down it's not right--but I'm betting she's made a hundred excuses for him about it, maybe even going so far as to thinking she "provokes" his behavior.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

I bet her parents don't have a clue.

SHe probably hides it, and this type makes it a point to not bond with the family or friends.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
I bet her parents don't have a clue.

SHe probably hides it, and this type makes it a point to not bond with the family or friends.

Yeah, doesn't sound like her parents know. But it also doesn't sound like she's madly in "love" with him either. She knows something is amiss or she wouldn't have written in.

Tinydancer · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Abby gave her good advice.
Dump him now.
She absolutely did--but I'm betting abby isn't the only one who has given her that advice, yet she is still looking for a different answer. What she wants is someone to be on her "side", or at least the side of what she thinks she wants to do.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb in saying that her parents and friends have told her numerous times to get rid of him, but she hasn't. Now she feels isolated because nobody "understands" or some other such nonsense. She doesn't like his behavior, she knows deep down it's not right--but I'm betting she's made a hundred excuses for him about it, maybe even going so far as to thinking she "provokes" his behavior.

Lot of times they are quite charming in front of others. The family thinks the guy is wonderful until it's too late. It's not always so cut and dry as you'd like to think it is. Of course these women think they are in love. When they figure it out it's often very difficult to get away and even when they do the animals will come and kill them and their families. I say the best way to help these women is to make it easier for them to leave and to enforce the protective orders much more quickly. These guys get away with it for so long they eventually think they can do whatever they want.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She needs to dump him. Her parents may or may not know. SHe should talk to her parents and listen.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Open communication between kids and parents has to start when they are little.

And parents have GOT to set the example.

Caitlyn was starting to spend time with a guy. A couple dates and she brought him to meet me. And they went to a church outing.

She said he wouldn't really try to talk to her friends. Kept trying to get her away from them. And on the way home he told her she shouldn't be hanging around with them. That she didn't need them.

She said she laughed at him, pulled into a store parking lot and put him out of the car.

She was done with him.

Why was she able to recognize and shut down a potential disaster?

Because I did everything I could to make sure she has a strong since of self worth and respect.

And a back bone.

Parents don't understand how important it is to make sure their kids can and do speak up for themselves.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

It is important to teach your daughter that she deserves to be treated better and that being treated like that is not acceptable.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I agree.

And it helps when there is a positive role model teaching them how a man should treat a woman.

I'm so thankful my dad has been that for Caitlyn.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And he has been that for my boys too.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Sometimes they have to learn it. And, it takes them awhile to come to that realization.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Abby gave her good advice.
Dump him now.
She absolutely did--but I'm betting abby isn't the only one who has given her that advice, yet she is still looking for a different answer. What she wants is someone to be on her "side", or at least the side of what she thinks she wants to do.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb in saying that her parents and friends have told her numerous times to get rid of him, but she hasn't. Now she feels isolated because nobody "understands" or some other such nonsense. She doesn't like his behavior, she knows deep down it's not right--but I'm betting she's made a hundred excuses for him about it, maybe even going so far as to thinking she "provokes" his behavior.
Lot of times they are quite charming in front of others. The family thinks the guy is wonderful until it's too late. It's not always so cut and dry as you'd like to think it is. Of course these women think they are in love. When they figure it out it's often very difficult to get away and even when they do the animals will come and kill them and their families. I say the best way to help these women is to make it easier for them to leave and to enforce the protective orders much more quickly. These guys get away with it for so long they eventually think they can do whatever they want.

You aren't going to get a protection order because he hates it when you log on to facebook.

huskerbb · Guru

People are big on personal responsibility--except when it comes to this.

You can't control anyone else--but you CAN control how you react to things, how you handle certain situations, etc...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Protection orders are worthless.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Protection orders are worthless.

A piece of paper hasn't stopped a fist, yet--or a bullet.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nope. They give a false sense of security.

burns07 · Guru

the writer knows this behaviour is wrong, else she wouldn't have asked abby--these are the kind of situations where a parent or older brother/uncle needs to get involved--bullys typically fold when challenged and this kid is just a bully

Lindley · Guru

burns07 wrote:

the writer knows this behaviour is wrong, else she wouldn't have asked abby--these are the kind of situations where a parent or older brother/uncle needs to get involved--bullys typically fold when challenged and this kid is just a bully

I agree. My dad would have had no problem putting a bully in his place if he felt that I was in danger. On second thought my mother would have been more dangerous if a boy was being a bully to any of us.

Tinydancer · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Abby gave her good advice.
Dump him now.
She absolutely did--but I'm betting abby isn't the only one who has given her that advice, yet she is still looking for a different answer. What she wants is someone to be on her "side", or at least the side of what she thinks she wants to do.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb in saying that her parents and friends have told her numerous times to get rid of him, but she hasn't. Now she feels isolated because nobody "understands" or some other such nonsense. She doesn't like his behavior, she knows deep down it's not right--but I'm betting she's made a hundred excuses for him about it, maybe even going so far as to thinking she "provokes" his behavior.
Lot of times they are quite charming in front of others. The family thinks the guy is wonderful until it's too late. It's not always so cut and dry as you'd like to think it is. Of course these women think they are in love. When they figure it out it's often very difficult to get away and even when they do the animals will come and kill them and their families. I say the best way to help these women is to make it easier for them to leave and to enforce the protective orders much more quickly. These guys get away with it for so long they eventually think they can do whatever they want.
You aren't going to get a protection order because he hates it when you log on to facebook.

Where did I say that? Sorry big dog . Are you following me around just to say stupid crap? You act like you know what you're talking about but I'll just wait for flan to come tell me what you meant. If you don't need her protection maybe you need to have at least an idea about what to do because shaming them so you feel so much smarter isn't working now is it?

Tinydancer · Guru

burns07 wrote:

the writer knows this behaviour is wrong, else she wouldn't have asked abby--these are the kind of situations where a parent or older brother/uncle needs to get involved--bullys typically fold when challenged and this kid is just a bully

This is what they need. If these losers know that someone will make them answer for their savagery then they might think twice.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
It is important to teach your daughter that she deserves to be treated better and that being treated like that is not acceptable.

Absolutely!

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Nope. They give a false sense of security.

They certainly do.

huskerbb · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
Abby gave her good advice.
Dump him now.
She absolutely did--but I'm betting abby isn't the only one who has given her that advice, yet she is still looking for a different answer. What she wants is someone to be on her "side", or at least the side of what she thinks she wants to do.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb in saying that her parents and friends have told her numerous times to get rid of him, but she hasn't. Now she feels isolated because nobody "understands" or some other such nonsense. She doesn't like his behavior, she knows deep down it's not right--but I'm betting she's made a hundred excuses for him about it, maybe even going so far as to thinking she "provokes" his behavior.
Lot of times they are quite charming in front of others. The family thinks the guy is wonderful until it's too late. It's not always so cut and dry as you'd like to think it is. Of course these women think they are in love. When they figure it out it's often very difficult to get away and even when they do the animals will come and kill them and their families. I say the best way to help these women is to make it easier for them to leave and to enforce the protective orders much more quickly. These guys get away with it for so long they eventually think they can do whatever they want.
You aren't going to get a protection order because he hates it when you log on to facebook.

You replied to me, first, so you are the one doing the following.

You are also the one who seems to think that protection orders are some sort of "solution" here. They rarely are.

huskerbb · Guru

burns07 wrote:

the writer knows this behaviour is wrong, else she wouldn't have asked abby--these are the kind of situations where a parent or older brother/uncle needs to get involved--bullys typically fold when challenged and this kid is just a bully

Your first point is well taken. They see the huge red flags in front of them--but don't want to do what they know they need to.

As to your second point--yes--but that doesn't always work. Often, she will defend the boyfriend and make excuses for him, and Lord knows she won't always listen to dear old dad. In other cases, like the one we had on the thread the other day, the boyfriend shot the father when, or just after, he helped her move out.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

My parents' favorite boyfriend of mine was the one who treated me the worst. But he sure acted like a perfect gentleman in front of them, and everyone else. He had it all - popular, good looking, athletic, good grades, had a part time job and his own car. But he was the most controlling jerk I ever dated. For years they asked about him and what he was doing. They would just die if they knew what he was really like. Some guys hide it from everyone - and that makes it so much harder to leave. No one believes you that he is anything less than perfect and they think you are nuts for walking away.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There is deception that happens.

My ex was not what I thought he was when we married. He was never controlling are had any kind of red flags. The only thing I didn't really care for was his putting his mom before everything.

It was after I got pregnant that he began to change.

But it was little things. Not wanting to come home. Or not wanting to leave once he got home.

He got jealous. I don't know why, but he did.

It wasn't until after I kicked him out that I learned about the drugs.

He didn't go balls to walls crazy till much later. After we had been divorced for a good 5-7 years.

The way I see it, we dodged a bullet. Quite literally.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Tinydancer wrote:
burns07 wrote:

the writer knows this behaviour is wrong, else she wouldn't have asked abby--these are the kind of situations where a parent or older brother/uncle needs to get involved--bullys typically fold when challenged and this kid is just a bully
This is what they need. If these losers know that someone will make them answer for their savagery then they might think twice.

This is very true. My ex would suddenly stop his crap when DS was around. Well that is, until the ex dug out his sledge hammer and went after DS.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
My parents' favorite boyfriend of mine was the one who treated me the worst. But he sure acted like a perfect gentleman in front of them, and everyone else. He had it all - popular, good looking, athletic, good grades, had a part time job and his own car. But he was the most controlling jerk I ever dated. For years they asked about him and what he was doing. They would just die if they knew what he was really like. Some guys hide it from everyone - and that makes it so much harder to leave. No one believes you that he is anything less than perfect and they think you are nuts for walking away.

Why didn't you tell them?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

A lot of dating is under surreal conditions. Like maybe you are both in college. That isn't really like real life. Certainly not like having a home, kids, mortgage, etc. So some women can't always see what is to come. And, people change. Some for the better and some for the worse. Yes, try to pick well from the start. But, i know lovely couples who WERE lovely couples until years later one of them cheats, or gets caught up in substance abuse or something like that. It happens.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
A lot of dating is under surreal conditions. Like maybe you are both in college. That isn't really like real life. Certainly not like having a home, kids, mortgage, etc. So some women can't always see what is to come. And, people change. Some for the better and some for the worse. Yes, try to pick well from the start. But, i know lovely couples who WERE lovely couples until years later one of them cheats, or gets caught up in substance abuse or something like that. It happens.

Sure, it can happen.

But in THIS case, the LW sees the bad behavior--but does anyone truly think she's going to leave him? The answer is obvious, but she hasn't done it so far and I'm far less than optimistic she will.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
My parents' favorite boyfriend of mine was the one who treated me the worst. But he sure acted like a perfect gentleman in front of them, and everyone else. He had it all - popular, good looking, athletic, good grades, had a part time job and his own car. But he was the most controlling jerk I ever dated. For years they asked about him and what he was doing. They would just die if they knew what he was really like. Some guys hide it from everyone - and that makes it so much harder to leave. No one believes you that he is anything less than perfect and they think you are nuts for walking away.
Why didn't you tell them?

Not sure actually. At the time, I was super private and didn't tell my parents anything. I was more private than most teenagers. I am not sure I would have told them much of anything unless I really was forced to.

And now, if I told them about him, there would be a lot of explaining to do and I just don't see the point in dredging it all up.

WYSIWYG · Guru

This is a good reason for parents to teach their girls to NOT want "the bad guy" as a boyfriend. The LW in the OP can plainly see the problem in front of her, but at the same time she's completely blinded to it because of "lurve" (I hate that term, but it fits).

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

WYSIWYG wrote:
This is a good reason for parents to teach their girls to NOT want "the bad guy" as a boyfriend. The LW in the OP can plainly see the problem in front of her, but at the same time she's completely blinded to it because of "lurve" (I hate that term, but it fits).

What are talking about? The bad guy is hot.

You just have to be more kick-butt than he is.

For those who don't know, there are bad guys and then there are guys that are bad.

The key is to know how to tell the difference.

WYSIWYG · Guru

I don't think it's worth the risk to take the chance and be wrong about whether he's a "bad guy" or a "guy that is bad". What's so horrible for women about dating a guy that treats a woman like a lady?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Some girls love the risk of running off with bad boys and getting into trouble with them. They'd do anything for the thrill of being with a bad boy. Don't understand it myself but some do.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Very true.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

WYSIWYG wrote:
I don't think it's worth the risk to take the chance and be wrong about whether he's a "bad guy" or a "guy that is bad". What's so horrible for women about dating a guy that treats a woman like a lady?

Cause a bad guy can still treat you like a lady.

A guy that's bad wont.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Look.

I'm just playing for the most part.

But there is a small degree of truth in that.

A guy that is bad is not going to do anything but make you miserable.

He is going to hurt you and you're going to end up in some kind of trouble.

A bad guy will be the one who may push you out side your comfort zone, but he isn't going to hurt you.

Bad boy, music is a little too loud, stays out a little too late, maybe he drives a little too fast or plays in a garage band or rides a bike or jumps out of planes.

A guy that's bad lies, cheats and steals.

See the difference?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I'll stick with my good guy.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
This is a good reason for parents to teach their girls to NOT want "the bad guy" as a boyfriend. The LW in the OP can plainly see the problem in front of her, but at the same time she's completely blinded to it because of "lurve" (I hate that term, but it fits).
What are talking about? The bad guy is hot.
You just have to be more kick-butt than he is.

For those who don't know, there are bad guys and then there are guys that are bad.
The key is to know how to tell the difference.

I think there is a lot of truth to that. Doesn't mean either one is a good idea to date, but we are talking controlling behavior here that could potentially lead to abuse and just because someone likes to break rules or whatever doesn't neceassarily make them an abuser.