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Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Carolyn: Newly single mom worries about lost time with son

huskerbb · Guru

Well, that's the magic of divorce. Every choice comes with consequences. Maybe this was absolutely the best decision, maybe it wasn't so much her choice as her husband's--but the fact remains that this is a consequence of that--and like the author says, plenty of other working parents do it, single or not.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, there is a new normal to adjust too. But, i tell people who are on the verge of divorce to really think about what their new daily life will be like. You will now have 3 days a week or more when you are not tucking your kids into bed. To really THINK about that and then decide if they can work on the marriage or to dissolve it. Those who really think about not having their children in their daily lives for days, weeks, months, it often is a lightbulb moment.

But, she needs to realize that by going to work, she is still teaching her child a lesson. A lesson on the value and importance of work. That mommy has to go to work to provide and that is important. The child is still learning from mom .

Tinydancer · Guru

I'm finding it hard to have sympathy as I've worked my whole adult life. Even when the kids were little. Sure it would be nice to be a stay at home mom and at least she got to experience it for a while. Suck it up buttercup.

FNW · Guru

I didn't find her letter offensive as apparently Carolyn did. However, I agree with husker in that this is the consequence/result. And she's not alone.

Even though my parents never divorced, my father worked 3 jobs at one point so that we could have a nice home, cars, etc. So he wasn't home as much. But that's the way it was, and my mom was a SAHM, so that made up for it. I knew nothing different, and have wonderful childhood memories of family outings, etc., that included my father. So while he may not have tucked me into bed each night, he was able to make time for us.

I have the luxury of working from home a couple days a week. Even so, I put the boys in preschool. Not because I didn't want to spend time with them, but because I thought they would benefit from peer interaction, and develop better social skills. And the boys have learned that when you are grown up, you have responsibilities. And that means being a productive member of society. And paying the bills. But I never missed a field trip (that I was permitted to attend) or a performance. I think a lot of employers these days are more conscious of work/life and the balance that needs to be made to make an employee more productive.

And if she really worried about spending more time with her child and having a messy house, perhaps she should make a decision to get rid of the pet.

huskerbb · Guru

FNW wrote:
I didn't find her letter offensive as apparently Carolyn did. However, I agree with husker in that this is the consequence/result. And she's not alone.

Even though my parents never divorced, my father worked 3 jobs at one point so that we could have a nice home, cars, etc. So he wasn't home as much. But that's the way it was, and my mom was a SAHM, so that made up for it. I knew nothing different, and have wonderful childhood memories of family outings, etc., that included my father. So while he may not have tucked me into bed each night, he was able to make time for us.

I have the luxury of working from home a couple days a week. Even so, I put the boys in preschool. Not because I didn't want to spend time with them, but because I thought they would benefit from peer interaction, and develop better social skills. And the boys have learned that when you are grown up, you have responsibilities. And that means being a productive member of society. And paying the bills. But I never missed a field trip (that I was permitted to attend) or a performance. I think a lot of employers these days are more conscious of work/life and the balance that needs to be made to make an employee more productive.

And if she really worried about spending more time with her child and having a messy house, perhaps she should make a decision to get rid of the pet.

Great post.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Part of her new normal is understanding that her life has to change. Some things have to rise to the top, like work and now some things might fall by the wayside like keeping the house so tidy.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I have found when you have less time, you choose what's more important.

I may have had to choose a game of hide and seek or doing the dishes. The dishes are going to be there after the game.

I remember mom and dad talking about who was going to do what when I was going up.

As a single mom, there was no discussion. I just did it.

It is a hard transition to go from married to single parent.

But it's just what has to be done sometimes.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

She needs to quit whining and feeling sorry for herself and figure it out.

I worked full time in jobs that were very UN-flexible and I managed to make it to everything my kids wanted me at. It can be done - figure it out. Your house isn't as clean as you wished? Stop writing in to advice columnists, really pay attention to what you spend your time at home doing, and figure it out. Sheesh. Problem solve people. Quit whining and feeling sorry for what your situation is and figure out how to get what you want. Make a plan and execute it. And if it doesn't work, revaluate your priorities and make a new plan. Holy cow. People are so helpless.

Hijack: at work I have a woman who works for me who came storming into my office with news of the latest "crisis". I calmly walked her through some solutions. She said "you are a problem solver. I am just a whiner". Yes. Yes you are. How do people even live like that? Be your own hero and fix it.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I'm going to get flamed but I can relate to her. Nurses aren't allowed flexibility. I missed so darn much of my kids growing up. And the bosses don't even want you to be sick much less take off for a field trip. That's one reason I really enjoy having my time with SS. It kind of makes up for the time I lost with my own.

FNW · Guru

I think it depends on where you work, NJN. The peds nurses have told me the same thing you mentioned. But my neighbor, an OR nurse who works at the hospital, has a lot more flexibility. She was able to reduce her hours and days over the summer to spend more time with her son. I'm sure there are times when she can't, like with snow days. But some how she managed time off this summer. And she has been able to volunteer for field trips and field day at school, too.

Tinydancer · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I'm going to get flamed but I can relate to her. Nurses aren't allowed flexibility. I missed so darn much of my kids growing up. And the bosses don't even want you to be sick much less take off for a field trip. That's one reason I really enjoy having my time with SS. It kind of makes up for the time I lost with my own.

No flames from me. You did what you had to do even if it was hard. The LW was lucky to have the time she did to stay home with the kids. Now it's time for her to work just like the rest of us who couldn't afford to stay home.

FNW · Guru

I think we should just do the best we can and try not to be hard on ourselves.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

FNW wrote:
I think it depends on where you work, NJN. The peds nurses have told me the same thing you mentioned. But my neighbor, an OR nurse who works at the hospital, has a lot more flexibility. She was able to reduce her hours and days over the summer to spend more time with her son. I'm sure there are times when she can't, like with snow days. But some how she managed time off this summer. And she has been able to volunteer for field trips and field day at school, too.

Yes, I'm sure it does vary depending on where you work. There are trade offs. Like being an office nurse. You're more likely to have weekends and holidays off. Unfortunately, they make significantly less money. And school nurses are a great way to have the same schedule with your kids. But again, the pay is so crappy that if you're a single mom trying to make ends meet it won't be enough. Most school nurses I know don't make much more over minimum wage.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

I really needed to read this thread today.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Tignanello wrote:
I really needed to read this thread today.

What's going on, Tig?

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Tignanello wrote:
I really needed to read this thread today.
What's going on, Tig?

Evaluating my choices and options; lifestyle values play a big part.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I used to feel really guilty when I couldn't be at every little thing for my kids. I mean, I've had to choose which kid's event I was going to attend cause they were the same day.

The day I got out of the hospital after my heart attack, my mom guilted me into going to a middle school football game my daughter was cheering at.

We, as moms, expect way too much out of ourselves and then we turn that on other moms and it's just a vicious cycle.

My epiphany came when one of my kids said, "I don't expect you to go, I wouldn't go if it was required".

That's when I started asking if they wanted me there.

The important things? Yeah. Go.

The field trips, meh. You've usually been to them already anyway.

Lindley · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think it depends on where you work, NJN. The peds nurses have told me the same thing you mentioned. But my neighbor, an OR nurse who works at the hospital, has a lot more flexibility. She was able to reduce her hours and days over the summer to spend more time with her son. I'm sure there are times when she can't, like with snow days. But some how she managed time off this summer. And she has been able to volunteer for field trips and field day at school, too.
Yes, I'm sure it does vary depending on where you work. There are trade offs. Like being an office nurse. You're more likely to have weekends and holidays off. Unfortunately, they make significantly less money. And school nurses are a great way to have the same schedule with your kids. But again, the pay is so crappy that if you're a single mom trying to make ends meet it won't be enough. Most school nurses I know don't make much more over minimum wage.

My daughter is a rn. She made good money working in the hospital. She said the same thing you said about working in a doctors office or school nurse. Also you have to be real sick to get off. She has been a stay at home mom while overseas but is looking forward to going back to work when they come back.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lindley wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think it depends on where you work, NJN. The peds nurses have told me the same thing you mentioned. But my neighbor, an OR nurse who works at the hospital, has a lot more flexibility. She was able to reduce her hours and days over the summer to spend more time with her son. I'm sure there are times when she can't, like with snow days. But some how she managed time off this summer. And she has been able to volunteer for field trips and field day at school, too.
Yes, I'm sure it does vary depending on where you work. There are trade offs. Like being an office nurse. You're more likely to have weekends and holidays off. Unfortunately, they make significantly less money. And school nurses are a great way to have the same schedule with your kids. But again, the pay is so crappy that if you're a single mom trying to make ends meet it won't be enough. Most school nurses I know don't make much more over minimum wage.
My daughter is a rn. She made good money working in the hospital. She said the same thing you said about working in a doctors office or school nurse. Also you have to be real sick to get off. She has been a stay at home mom while overseas but is looking forward to going back to work when they come back.

Yep. I couldn't afford, as a single mom, to work in a doctors office or as a school nurse. But I did what I had to. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with your kids or go to their activities. Some women make other women who want that feel like they are less of a woman because they don't JUST want to work for the almighty dollar. It's a normal feeling. The hardest thing mothers face is always feeling like they didn't make the right choice. And if you tell me you never doubted yourself as a mother I'm going to call you a liar.

Lindley · Guru

I think all women sometime are to hard on ourselves. My dd worked the night shift so she could spend more time with her dd and more money but wouldn't be able to as a single mom. I was a working mother but to be quite honest I had no desire at all to go on a field trip with my kids class. I did all the programs but was more then happy to miss the field trip. I don't think my kids missed me.

-- Edited by Lindley on Friday 4th of December 2015 07:38:25 PM

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

You ladies are right, we are too hard on ourselves as women. But one of the things that helped you ladies get through it was your ability to make a darn decision and not wallow in self pity. The OP needs to get over it and deal with it already. Being sad about it does no good. Make a decision and make a plan. Quit whining and get on with it.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I'm noticing a theme to your posts MM.

Dealing with whiny people at work?

Tis the season.

Lindley · Guru

Believe me lily we all know someone who whines.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
I'm noticing a theme to your posts MM.

Dealing with whiny people at work?

Tis the season.

They are not people of action. I detest that. Like the OP, shut the frick up and DO something about it. Whining doesn't solve anything.

huskerbb · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
You ladies are right, we are too hard on ourselves as women. But one of the things that helped you ladies get through it was your ability to make a darn decision and not wallow in self pity. The OP needs to get over it and deal with it already. Being sad about it does no good. Make a decision and make a plan. Quit whining and get on with it.

I'd like to more about the circumstances of their divorce.

Who filed for it? Why?

If it was the husband that dumped her or was cheating or whatever--then I have more sympathy.

If it's more her fault and/or decision--then I don't. What did she think it would be like?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Mellow Momma wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I'm noticing a theme to your posts MM.

Dealing with whiny people at work?

Tis the season.
They are not people of action. I detest that. Like the OP, shut the frick up and DO something about it. Whining doesn't solve anything.

*slow clapping*

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lindley wrote:
Believe me lily we all know someone who whines.

Oh I know.

It's just MM left almost the exact same post on two threads within minutes of each other.

Figured she was half venting about something she was dealing with at work.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Lindley wrote:
Believe me lily we all know someone who whines.
Oh I know.
It's just MM left almost the exact same post on two threads within minutes of each other.
Figured she was half venting about something she was dealing with at work.

Or there was a common theme in the threads in general.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yeah.

It was funny is all.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
You ladies are right, we are too hard on ourselves as women. But one of the things that helped you ladies get through it was your ability to make a darn decision and not wallow in self pity. The OP needs to get over it and deal with it already. Being sad about it does no good. Make a decision and make a plan. Quit whining and get on with it.

I don't think it is all whining. I think she is genuinely concerned about her ability to give her kid enough time. And, with the big life changes of not having dad home with him as well, she is worried that her child is hurting. Nothing wrong with that. But, yes, she has to get on board with her new normal.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

"I want to be my son's primary caregiver and now I will never have that" and "I cry when I think of the field trips I won't be around for". That's whining to me. It's definitely wallowing in self pity.

She doesn't say she is worried about how to make ends meet as a single mother. No concern over whether he is safe in their neighborhood/school or has enough to eat. She needs to shut up and deal. She could have it SO much worse. And maybe this isn't what she had planned, but most of life is unplanned. So instead of crying over field trips that you won't go on, how about sitting down with the facts and making a plan ?! I absolutely hate women like this who are so caught up in thier own idea of what "perfect" is that they cannot function enough to find a way to make the imperfect, perfect. Sounds like she has a hefty dose of privilege here as well.

I don't care why she got the divorce. It's irrelevant actually. Where you are now is important but focusing on how you got here is only holding you back. Focus on the present and on making it the best you can make it. Mourning for what will never be is a waste of time and energy.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
You ladies are right, we are too hard on ourselves as women. But one of the things that helped you ladies get through it was your ability to make a darn decision and not wallow in self pity. The OP needs to get over it and deal with it already. Being sad about it does no good. Make a decision and make a plan. Quit whining and get on with it.
I don't think it is all whining. I think she is genuinely concerned about her ability to give her kid enough time. And, with the big life changes of not having dad home with him as well, she is worried that her child is hurting. Nothing wrong with that. But, yes, she has to get on board with her new normal.

Divorce almost always causes some hurt to the children. It's not the bed of roses so many people think it is before they take that step.

There are consequences for every choice--changing jobs, moving across the country, adding to the family, divorce, whatever... If you don't feel the benefits of that choice outweigh the consequences, then you shouldn't do it. If you felt that the benefits did outweigh the consequences, then mitigate those consequences the best you can and move on.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There are plenty of two parent households that don't get to all the stuff kids do.

So to put more pressure on a single parent is absurd.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:
"I want to be my son's primary caregiver and now I will never have that" and "I cry when I think of the field trips I won't be around for". That's whining to me. It's definitely wallowing in self pity.

She doesn't say she is worried about how to make ends meet as a single mother. No concern over whether he is safe in their neighborhood/school or has enough to eat. She needs to shut up and deal. She could have it SO much worse. And maybe this isn't what she had planned, but most of life is unplanned. So instead of crying over field trips that you won't go on, how about sitting down with the facts and making a plan ?! I absolutely hate women like this who are so caught up in thier own idea of what "perfect" is that they cannot function enough to find a way to make the imperfect, perfect. Sounds like she has a hefty dose of privilege here as well.

I don't care why she got the divorce. It's irrelevant actually. Where you are now is important but focusing on how you got here is only holding you back. Focus on the present and on making it the best you can make it. Mourning for what will never be is a waste of time and energy.

That's fine but should she just say 'Life's tough. Suck it up JR?".

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Should Carolyn say that to the OP? Hell yes. Should the mother say that to her kid? No. She is in no place to say that. She need professional help if you ask me. She is paralyzed by what will never be instead of enjoying what she has, which is custody of her son and plenty of time to see him. She needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and "mourning field trips" and start giving her son the best life she can.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

She also gives no indication that the child is bothered at all. The entire letter is all about HER. Again, no concern about making ends meet, or for their safety. She must not be in a bad neighborhood and they have enough to eat. She is doing ok. She need to focus on what she HAS and not what she doesn't have. Shoot - I don't have a personal jet. I could spend my days mourning for the private flights I will never take with my kids or I could move on. She should do the same.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Why so hard on her? It doesn't say she is running around whining to the world. It's a big life change. She is struggling. So, she writes for her advice. What is so wrong with that? Compared to most of the letters written, this seems like a legit question. Yes, she SHOULD move on. And, I think she will. She even says that she understands this logically and that is her new normal. And, it is going to take her some time before she gets that this her new life. Not sure what is wrong with that.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Why so hard on her? It doesn't say she is running around whining to the world. It's a big life change. She is struggling. So, she writes for her advice. What is so wrong with that? Compared to most of the letters written, this seems like a legit question. Yes, she SHOULD move on. And, I think she will. She even says that she understands this logically and that is her new normal. And, it is going to take her some time before she gets that this her new life. Not sure what is wrong with that.

Honestly I think mourning lost field trip opportunities is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. She need to be greatful for what she has and quit wallowing in self pity. People had issues with the fat sandwich letter writer - I have issues with this mother who is spending her time feeling sorry for herself instead of making a new life for her child. Grow up already! I was always taught that no matter how hard you think you have it,someone else has it harder. So be greatful for what you have. She needs to get the memo on that.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

She sees his childhood slipping away.

He is 5. She has plenty of childhood left! More than 2/3 of it left in fact! Quit wasting it by mourning the damn field trips and figure out how you can make your situation better!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, yeah, he's 5. She can make new memories. But, I don't think it is as "ridiculous" as you keep saying. She no doubt got married intending to have a life long partner and family. Most people do. Divorce is very painful and difficult. So, you can keep insulting her I guess but I don't really see the point of that.