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Post Info TOPIC: How to 'un-announce' a pregnancy
Nobody Just Nobody


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How to 'un-announce' a pregnancy
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http://www.stltoday.com/lifestyles/relationships-and-special-occasions/columns/carolyn-hax/how-to-un-announce-a-pregnancy/article_4fdae4ee-9501-58bc-b347-dce7827a0aa4.html

 

Dear Carolyn • I found out that I miscarried earlier this week at a routine office visit. This was quite a shock because we had two ultrasounds before this showing a strong heartbeat and that the baby was growing correctly. While we hadn’t announced publicly, we had told family and close friends.

We now are in the unfortunate process of “un-announcing” and I have found that many of our family and friends are trying to figure out why this happened. My family and my in-laws have been blessed with many easy pregnancies and never a pregnancy loss. When we explain that it was most likely chromosome abnormalities and things we had no control over, which is what our doctors said, people find it hard to believe and start suggesting things we (or specifically I) did — my weight, my exercise, my autoimmune diseases.

I am having a hard enough time dealing with the loss and the physical aspect of the miscarriage; I really don’t want to hear their theories — theories that my doctors all said specifically did not cause this.

Do you have any suggestions on what to say to let them know that this is off the table, that it was not my fault, and blaming me is absolutely not productive?

— Un-Announcing Pregnancy

Answer • They’re dealing with your grief by blaming you?

And yeah, that’s what it’s called when you attribute a miscarriage to some trait or behavior of the mother. Surely you’ve heard or thought some of these?: She’s exercising too much, she’s overweight, she’s too skinny, her diet’s too restricted, she’s too stressed out and if she’d just relax/slim down/eat real food/relax then it would happen.

People, please — don’t do this.

I realize not everyone is informed on miscarriage rates and causes because the lucky ones have no reason to get informed — but when they allow their ignorance to hurt someone, then it does reflect poorly on them, even when it’s intended as a show of concern.

Certainly some theorizing is just that, an effort to help or just to say the right thing. But when 30 seconds of thought would likely tell a theorizer, “Hmm, if I link it to her autoimmune disease, then that could be seen as blaming her and that’s the last thing she needs,” that claim doesn’t fly as an excuse.

Do not, do not, do not try to explain, even if it’s just to quote your doctors. They explained chromosome abnormalities to help you process the information, not to give you something to feed your critics.

I’m sorry for your loss.



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ed11563


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The only reasonable thing to say to someone after a miscarriage is "I'm sorry for you loss."

What she can say to the ones who blame her, is,

 

"Go fvck yourself."

or

"You don't know how nasty it is to say that to someone who's lost a baby."

 

 



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ed11563


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I read decades ago, that the miscarriage rate in humans is about 25%.



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flan327


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Yeah, I learned the hard way not to announce my pregnancy before the second trimester.

flan

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ed11563


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Maybe the best way to un-announce a pregnancy is to

tell the relative who's the biggest blabbermouth, and tell her or him to spread the word. AND tell them that you don't want anyone to call you about it.

 

 



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lilyofcourse


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I had to tell people about my miscarriage.

I don't even remember what any of them said.

People say stupid things.



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Lindley


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People who would say crap like that to a mother who just lost her baby ought to be tarred and feathered. My daughter had such a hard time emotionally after her miscarriage.

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FNW


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Been there, done that. My hairdresser asked how my pregnancy was going and I said it was gone, I lost the baby. She immediately started asking me what I had done to cause it. I found a new hairdresser.

A very simple, "please, I am heartbroken about this. I do not want to talk about it." Then either walk away, ending the conversation, or if on the phone, tell them you are going to go grieve" and hang up.

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Have hubby tell people, and insist that she doesn't want anyone to talk about it.

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Lindley


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FNW wrote:

Been there, done that. My hairdresser asked how my pregnancy was going and I said it was gone, I lost the baby. She immediately started asking me what I had done to cause it. I found a new hairdresser.

A very simple, "please, I am heartbroken about this. I do not want to talk about it." Then either walk away, ending the conversation, or if on the phone, tell them you are going to go grieve" and hang up.

  I'm so sorry that happened  to you FNW, your hairdresser  sounds like a jerk.



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ed11563


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FNW wrote:

Been there, done that. My hairdresser asked how my pregnancy was going and I said it was gone, I lost the baby. She immediately started asking me what I had done to cause it. I found a new hairdresser.

A very simple, "please, I am heartbroken about this. I do not want to talk about it." Then either walk away, ending the conversation, or if on the phone, tell them you are going to go grieve" and hang up.

What did you do wrong? Um, you started a baby with your husband. Let's see her make something out of that. (What a jerk.) 

 

An accident attorney once asked me what I could have done different and avoided the collision with his client. I told him I could have stayed at home as a hermit all my life, or not driven anywhere near where his client drove, but neither of those choices was reasonable.

 



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flan327


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You know, the worst response I got was when a good friend of ours said nothing. I just can't imagine hearing some of those hateful comments...

flan

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chef


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I was deathly afraid of miscarriage. One of many reasons I didn't post publicly about my pregnancy. My mother had so many health problems due to pregnancy that I was afraid I would follow in her footsteps. Thankfully, I had a healthy pregnancy.

The only person in my family who would make a rude comment had I miscarried would've been FIL. He would've blamed me and told me it was all my fault and I killed his grandbaby.

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flan327


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chef wrote:

I was deathly afraid of miscarriage. One of many reasons I didn't post publicly about my pregnancy. My mother had so many health problems due to pregnancy that I was afraid I would follow in her footsteps. Thankfully, I had a healthy pregnancy.

The only person in my family who would make a rude comment had I miscarried would've been FIL. He would've blamed me and told me it was all my fault and I killed his grandbaby.

 What an ugly person. I'm glad his son has been able to change.

flan



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FNW


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Horrible, chef, horrible.

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Lexxy


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What reasonable person would ever say such horrible things to a grieving mother?

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just Czech


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Good grief, stupid people award to that hairdresser. So sorry that happened to you, FNW.

We also lost a baby. No one was that unkind to us.

Say your sorry for the loss or shut up.

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ed11563


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Lexxy wrote:

What reasonable person would ever say such horrible things to a grieving mother?

The key word here is "reasonable". 



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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
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