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Post Info TOPIC: Seeking a cease-fire with stepmother
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

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Seeking a cease-fire with stepmother
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http://www.stltoday.com/lifestyles/relationships-and-special-occasions/columns/carolyn-hax/seeking-a-cease-fire-with-stepmother/article_33c0c8fa-756b-5b48-9ddc-4a1c8e2d0988.html

 

Dear Carolyn • My stepmother has been in my life for 20-plus years, since I was a high school junior. She and I have never gotten along well and have had some really terrible fights. I love my dad, but he’s exceedingly conflict-avoidant and says only, “I don’t want to take sides.” So we realized many years ago that we cannot really be around each other much, and I see my dad solo only.

My brother is getting married in a few weeks. My stepmother contacted me to ask if we could agree not to fight at this wedding. If we pull it off, it will literally be the first time in 20-plus years we have been in the same room without raising our voices.

I have not responded yet because I’m not sure what I’m promising or whether it’s achievable. My dad considers the silent treatment just as hostile as fighting, so not saying anything to each other might backfire.

What are some ways I can be in the same (small, intimate) venue with someone I despise for several hours, when pretty much everything she does is the kind of behavior that makes us get into fights in the first place?

— Wedding Armistice

Answer • She “makes us get into fights”?

No. That stops here.

She could be evil incarnate and still a fight with her involves some degree of choice on your part — to react to her, to engage with her, to raise your voice. Unless my math bone is broken, you’re pushing 40. You can’t summon the resources to let a remark go unchallenged? Craft a few neutral responses? Force yourself to, if not sympathize, understand Stepmom a little? Bite on a stick? For your brother’s sake?

Getting along isn’t luck, it’s a skill. Some people require more of our skills than others, sure, and some even prove themselves unworthy of our best efforts. I’m not suggesting you cuddle.

So here’s my advice in two parts. Part 1, for the wedding, pack a whole lot of want-to. You can choose the basics from what I listed above — a few neutral phrases when she says or does things that trigger you, like “Huh, I hadn’t thought of that” or “Interesting.” You can also excuse yourself to get some air or a refill or to say hi to Whatserface.

Part 2, maybe to start pre-wedding but really for the future, please devote focused attention — even counseling — to the difference between reacting based on your emotions, and acting based on empathy and boundaries. Understand what is and isn’t your business, and engage/disengage accordingly.



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ed11563


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She needs more advice on dealing with difficult people:

 

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=%22How+to+deal+with+difficult+people+without+becoming+one%22

 

 



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Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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She needs to realize she is a big part of the problem. Her step-mother extended an olive branch for the wedding and she's not sure she can do it. Honey, that's YOU, not the step-mother. Grow the fvck up - your daddy married someone that wasn't your mother. Time to get over it.

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Seriously what is there to even fight About? I don't get it. People seem to enjoy creating a lot of drama for themselves. Just live your life. Let her live her life. She doesn't have to like, care or know about what you do and vice versa. Yeah, she's with your dad, but consider that is perhaps better than him living and aging alone.

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lilyofcourse


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Her dad should've put a stop to it 20 yrs ago.

LW needs to grow up.



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Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

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Lawyerlady wrote:

She needs to realize she is a big part of the problem. Her step-mother extended an olive branch for the wedding and she's not sure she can do it. Honey, that's YOU, not the step-mother. Grow the fvck up - your daddy married someone that wasn't your mother. Time to get over it.

 Yeah, I don't get this.  Her SM couldn't have lived with her more than two whole years at the most.  Sure she probably hated her.  But it's not like she had to live with her for years and years and years.  Time for HER to grow up and stop blaming her SM for everything.



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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
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flan327


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I like this:

Getting along isn’t luck, it’s a skill. Some people require more of our skills than others, sure, and some even prove themselves unworthy of our best efforts.

flan

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Drink. Not get drunk. Just have enough to take the edge off where you don't care. My friend and I call it LBD. Little bit drunk.

If that doesn't work for you, smile and say, "hello, it's been a long time. Nice to see you." Then go off and do your own thing. Enjoy the other guests, and make it special for your brother.

That's what I have done when faced with an adversary in a public or private setting.

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