DEAR AMY: My stepsister “Hannah” and I are both 23 years old. She just texted me to tell me that she hates my mother. She asked me to tell my mother to leave her father.
My mother can be hard to deal with sometimes but is still a very loving and great person (in my opinion).
My relationship with my stepsister has been OK throughout the years. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have listened and been supportive when she has had problems. I am often afraid to voice how I feel about our relationship because she can be unstable.
However, I don’t appreciate her bad-mouthing my mother. I feel like we are adults and need to deal with people as adults. She has put me in a very difficult position. I love my mother and I am protective.
I told Hannah, “You can’t talk to me about my mother like that, OK?” and she got very upset. She felt that she should be able to confide in me. I don’t want to interfere in her relationship with my mother. I’d rather be Switzerland and tell them both to figure this out on their own. This relationship with my stepsister is just so mentally draining. She takes, takes, takes — and never gives. This just makes me feel guilty because of her mental instability. Any advice?
Switzerland
DEAR SWITZERLAND: I agree with your reactions and instincts. “Hannah’s” challenges have an impact on you — and it’s important for you to be sensitive and compassionate — but that does not mean that she should have a free pass to trash your mother to you, or ask you to interfere in your parents’ marriage. Her illness is not an excuse for this behavior.
You should explain to her, “I have a tough time when you criticize my mother. I would feel a similar way if someone criticized you — I want to be loyal to you both.”
You should counsel Hannah to talk to her father and make sure to keep him in the loop about how she’s feeling. If you suspect that she is in a spiral over this (a definite possibility), talk to your parents to strategize how to help her. You don’t need to pass along her unkind statements, but you should let them know you are concerned.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
First of all, you just tell her "Mom is an ADULT and HER life is HER business". So, her mom's business is not her business. Unless dad is abusive or something and you want to support mom getting out.
Just because someone tells you to Jump doesnt' mean you have to jump. You don't have to get involved in other people's drama when they try to draw you in. You don't have to become responsible for whatever angst someone else is feeling who wants to heap that on you. Live your life and your sister is going to run her mouth with all her anxiety ridden dramas and you simply do not have to Play.
