DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married three years. It has been rocky since year two. She's a great mother to our kids, especially the one who is medically challenged. We have broken up twice so far, and are now back together. However, because of my job, we live in different states.
Bottom line: I'm no longer sure this is the right relationship for me. She goes to school full time while I work a ton of overtime to support two households. We hardly see or spend time with each other. She has said she would rather me work and not see me so that everything gets paid. I feel she's more about the money than the marriage. What do you think? -- UNHAPPILY MARRIED IN BALTIMORE
DEAR UNHAPPILY: You and your wife both appear to be carrying a heavy load. For the sake of your children, it would be nice if your marriage could be resuscitated. However, not every marriage can be -- and the arrangement you have now is clearly not working for you.
If your wife actually feels that she would rather not see you so that everything gets paid, then I think she has made her feelings clear. The marriage no longer exists; it's a financial arrangement. For that, you both have my sympathy.
He just wants to throw in the towel? Doesn't sound like the have really given their marriage a chance. Sometimes you have to be apart or do what you have to do to get your marriage going. And, living in different states is assanine. It's been 3 yrs. Why didnt she just go to college in whatever state he is living in and live as a family? That's absurd. However, if she is close to being finished, then suck it and finish. Then, she needs to move where he is, move in together and function like a real family and get some counseling.
Paying the bills is a necessity, especially if they have a medically challenged child, and it sounds like she handles that burden alone while going to school full time. I sounds like it's a sucky life, but they should really try making some changes to make it less sucky before throwing in the towel.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Paying the bills is a necessity, especially if they have a medically challenged child, and it sounds like she handles that burden alone while going to school full time. I sounds like it's a sucky life, but they should really try making some changes to make it less sucky before throwing in the towel.
Yeah, I'm not sure what he is saying. Does he NOT think things should be paid?
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
And does he not realize that divorce is not going to stop him from supporting two households? She could possibly get alimony and she'd definately get child support.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Instead of getting advice from a columnist they should go to a Marriage counsoler to help them get this sorted out. Just because she said she would rather get the bills paid doesn't mean she doesn't want to be married to him.
Instead of getting advice from a columnist they should go to a Marriage counsoler to help them get this sorted out. Just because she said she would rather get the bills paid doesn't mean she doesn't want to be married to him.
Seriously. I love my husband completely. But if the choice to support our family was him working tons of overtime to pay the bills vs. not working and being desitute - I'd prefer the working thing.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
They obviously spent some time together if they have been married 3 years & have kids (plural). They need counseling if they have already broken up twice in that short amount of time.
At least 2 kids in 3 years, one with challenging medical conditions AND the mother goes to school full time and lives alone as a single parent, basically. I am sorry but I think she deserves a freaking medal and the OP sounds like a total selfish idiot. Besides paying the bills, what is he contributing to the family?!?! Not emotional support, not day to day logistical support with appointments etc, nothing !!!
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I would like to know why they are living apart. That's ridiculous.
My husband and I lived apart our first year of marriage. He got a job in Georgia while I was still in law school in Michigan. You can't transfer the last year, so we lived apart. Maybe she can't transfer schools or it will slow down graduation. Maybe her child's doctor is there and they don't want to change.
NJN's husband takes him away for weeks at a time. Sometimes you have to go where the work is.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Yes, My dad worked away from home most of my life as a child. Both my dad and mom liked the town I grew up in and better cost of living and a better place to raise kids. He was almost always home on the weekends.
My dad lives and works in another state during the week. That's where his job took him, so they have made it work. He comes home every Friday night and leaves Sunday night. They have been doing it for 15+ years. Yes, it seems silly to an outsider, but it's works for our family
If that's the case and they are doing it for valid logistical reasons, he needs to STFU about it! They chose to do this, so he needs to deal. Or else work to fix it. That is only part of the issue. The wife is doing ALL the heavy lifting here and he is whining about it.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
If that's the case and they are doing it for valid logistical reasons, he needs to STFU about it! They chose to do this, so he needs to deal. Or else work to fix it. That is only part of the issue. The wife is doing ALL the heavy lifting here and he is whining about it.
I'm going to say it: we don't know the whole story. We don't know what the split of work is other than she is the daily caregiver for the kids.
I love my mother, but she does almost nothing around the outside during the week when my dad isn't home. So his whole weekend is jam packed with all the stuff around the house. Now, since I've been back, I do as much as I can. But I still feel bad that he really has little down time.
If that's the case and they are doing it for valid logistical reasons, he needs to STFU about it! They chose to do this, so he needs to deal. Or else work to fix it. That is only part of the issue. The wife is doing ALL the heavy lifting here and he is whining about it.
I'm going to say it: we don't know the whole story. We don't know what the split of work is other than she is the daily caregiver for the kids.
I love my mother, but she does almost nothing around the outside during the week when my dad isn't home. So his whole weekend is jam packed with all the stuff around the house. Now, since I've been back, I do as much as I can. But I still feel bad that he really has little down time.
I assume she cleans the inside of the house and raised the kids - which is why the outside was his responsiblity, and that status quo just remained after the kids were grown.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think he threw in the line about the money to make it seem like his wife is money hungry or just using him. I don't think he has any idea how much work she is doing to take care of multiple kids and go to school full time. He is in for a reality check if they split up and he has to start taking the kids part of the time on his own along with financially supporting them.
The OP has a medically challenged child and the husband rarely sees them. She is going to school full time, had at least 2 kids in 3 years...what the heck else is he doing?!?! Doesn't sound like he does anything for them besides pay the bills - which is HUGE! But he is not noticing what she is doing to contribute. He acts like the financials are all that makes up a household. And that is simply not the case. Frankly, by telling her husband to just work to pay the bills, she has removed a huge burden from his back and he should be greatful that she is dealing with it all on her own and isn't bugging him to get to appointments etc.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I think he threw in the line about the money to make it seem like his wife is money hungry or just using him. I don't think he has any idea how much work she is doing to take care of multiple kids and go to school full time. He is in for a reality check if they split up and he has to start taking the kids part of the time on his own along with financially supporting them.
If he would. He works in a different state and complains about having to support his family. Anyone else see a deadbeat dad in the making?
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think he threw in the line about the money to make it seem like his wife is money hungry or just using him. I don't think he has any idea how much work she is doing to take care of multiple kids and go to school full time. He is in for a reality check if they split up and he has to start taking the kids part of the time on his own along with financially supporting them.
If he would. He works in a different state and complains about having to support his family. Anyone else see a deadbeat dad in the making?
