Dear Carolyn: Common advice is that parents should let kids struggle through issues on their own, thus learning how to manage their friendships, issues, etc. However, there have been tons of letters from adults who say how damaged they are because they didn’t feel their parents protected them.
How does one navigate this? Or should parents simply resign themselves to being despised by their progeny? — Helicopter vs. Supporting
MYCENTRALJERSEY
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Dear Helicopter: It’s navigable, but resignation is a solid plan B.
Letting kids work things out is for the small(er), one-off problems: arguments with siblings or friends, a dismissive comment from an adult, difficult homework, bumps, bruises and burps from gorging on candy.
Protecting kids is for the big stuff: bullying by family or friends; a learning issue that makes homework crushing; verbal abuse from an adult; a buddy whose unstable or overindulgent household isn’t a safe place for your kid.
The common denominator is frequency. A child needs to learn how to handle hurt feelings from this or that social incident, for example, but can’t be expected to deal alone with the relentless attack of social aggression. Oopses, step back; oppression, step in.
And hugs in both cases. You don’t have to be cold to encourage resiliency.
You also don’t have to get it right every time. Sometimes you’re going to think it’s big when you’re really just overreacting, and sometimes you’re going to brush it off when it turns out to be something big.
When that happens, you pull out your best parental move of all: Apologize to your kid for getting it wrong. Nothing helps a child find the sweet spot where strength and frailty meet than demonstrating it for them yourself.
Or should parents simply resign themselves to being despised by their progeny?
I don't think it is "either/or". Sheesh. Why are people so afraid to let kids struggle with things? This week, we had a bit of water damage in the basement. I need to pull the insulation and put in some new ceiling tiles. I bought the stuff and handed it to my sons and said, here go watch a youtube video on how to put insulation in the ceiling and these tiles. Then, i walked away.
Well, i could hear my sons down there discussing how best to do this, blah, blah. And, then later, they said 'Hey mom, come down to the basement". They did a really good job!
I had to go out of town and DD wanted lasagna last week. She has never made it. She's 13. I gave her a run down on how to do. No recipe, i just briefly told her. Well, when i got home, there was lasagna. There are times i will ask them to do something and then I literally WALK AWAY. I will go upstairs to clean or something. Not because i don't want to help but because i want them to struggle a bit and figure things out for themselves. Kids want to feel a sense of competence. I make my kids feel like they can do anything they want to buy putting their mind to it, working hard and educating themselves.
Like the situation at school where they just do not feel safe or the kid who is drowning in a class and needs help or they are needing guidance with really big life choices.
I think it's more about those times they could end up in serious trouble of some kind. And it isn't about fixing the problem for them.
It's about coming along side of them and walking through it with them.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Well, there is a balance. Yes, there are times to swoop in and scoop them up. But, those are rare instances. If your child is constantly needing rescued from life, then your child has a problem coping. And, there is a different between giving guidance and figuring out everything for them.
Who is talking about swooping in or constantly rescuing?
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
