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ed11563


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But I’m miserable. Why?
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I'm at a Christmas party. The people are gracious, the food is scrumptious, the wine is fantastic, and so is the music.

But I’m miserable. Why?

Because in my mind, this is what's playing in a loop: You should be happy. You should be grateful. You should be thankful.

Should be. For many folks, the holidays are a beautiful time of year. A time of rest, connection with loved ones, and celebration. But let's be real: that doesn't mean it's all mistletoe and cheer.

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The holidays can also be a time of grief, family tensions, loneliness, and facing our own imperfections.

For me, the holidays are brutal because my brother and several friends died this time of year. Since this is traditionally a time of remembrance, I find it doubly hard to bring my heart into the present. Even though I'm surrounded by people at this Christmas party, I feel lonely. Worse: I feel like it's not OK to have these feelings.

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Image by Tarang hirani/Flickr.

I know I'm not the only one.

One of my close friends was abandoned by her husband in December, and she's reminded of his betrayal every time the holidays roll around. She actually loves Christmas, but that pain is always awakened in the holiday season.

Even if you haven't experienced a major loss, we're all hit with a set of assumptions and expectations this time of year. That we should black out our calendars for holiday events with people we may not be all that excited to see. That we should be available to participate in activities that can be really draining. That we should spend money. Lots of money. And, all the while, that we should be full of joy.

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Image by jpellgen/Flickr.

So what if you're not? What if, like my friend, you’re feeling lonely and hurt? What if, like me, you're aching in grief as you remember the loss of someone beloved?

If this is a difficult time of year for you, understand that you're not alone. The holidays are in no position to create a happy ending where none exists.

Which is why I want to offer these four suggestions to those who need them:

1. Turn off the Christmas carols if you're not in the mood, and don't go to that party if you don't want to.

Because you don't have to get into the holiday spirit. You don't have to feel the way others tell you to feel. You only need to care for yourself and offer yourself to others as best you can.

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The fact is, trying to repress your true feelings and appear cheery and grateful when you're actually suffering doesn't really work. Psychologist Iris Mauss conducted a series of studies in which she found that the more value people placed on feeling happy, the less happy and more lonely they were likely to be. Research also shows that focusing on attaining happiness by fulfilling materialistic desires — a holiday pastime — can increase the risk of depression, can decrease the quality of relationships, and can mean less happiness in the long run.

Go ahead and feel what you need to feel. It's better for you.

2. If you're grieving, understand that the pain associated with it is perfectly natural.

Grieving hurts so vividly because it’s a wail of aching love, repeated to infinity. In this wailing is an opportunity to acknowledge our losses and remember those who have been taken from us. It's also an invitation to stand in solidarity with those who have experienced similar pain, without shame.

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Image by Melvin E/Flickr.

3. If the season is making you feel lonely, give yourself permission to be brave enough to reach out to someone.

You might be embarrassed and feel the desire to self-isolate. The tendency to hide can explode amid the holidays because there's so much pressure to appear "perfect." We're brought face-to-face with our imperfections, and this couldn't be more true than with our relationships. Many people have strained or disconnected relationships with their families. Others find that, as the holidays approach, many of their friends aren't really there for them.

Reach out so someone who can be there for you. Just one person. That friend who seems to get you even though you rarely see her? Give her a call. That teacher who stood by your side when your world was falling apart? Reach out to him.

4. If there isn't a specific person you want to reach out to, don't be afraid to choose to be alone with intention.

Spending time in silence can actually cultivate confidence. It can allow you to observe your emotions more objectively and teach you the value of learning to enjoy your own company, instead of buying into the assumption that there's something inherently wrong with spending time alone.

Step into nature and allow it to inform you. Journal your wounds onto the page. It can be hard, I know. But if you choose to stand in your brokenness, it will begin to lose some of its power over you.

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None of these activities will make your pain go away, but they will ensure you have the space you need to grieve safely and in a spirit of love.

If we'd just allow ourselves to be brave enough to express how we're really feeling, this season could be a time for authentic connection and healing.

This brings me back to that Christmas party: I remember seeing a friend of mine in the corner, nursing a drink, looking terribly uncomfortable. Her eyes conveyed a deep pain she was clearly trying to mask. I could have approached her and acknowledged her. I could have offered her my presence by standing with her in silence. But I didn't. At the time, I was too self-absorbed and nervous.

If I could do it again, I'd tell her exactly what I'd be much more confident in saying now: the truth.

I'd tell her I hated being at the party, and that every day in the Christmas season is profoundly painful for me. I wouldn't try to make her feel great by pretending to feel great.

I'd try to make her feel loved by being vulnerable. By feeling what I need to feel and being who I can't help but be. And you can, too.



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lilyofcourse


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I think people put too much expectations on themselves and others.

The party doesn't have to be some big meaningful moment. The season doesn't have to be more meaningful than any other.

Just be IN the moment.

Don't wonder when the spirit will hit you. Just enjoy being.




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flan327


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One of the first Quaker services I attended was a "Blue Christmas" service.

The holidays are hard on many people, more than most of us realize.

flan

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flan327 wrote:

One of the first Quaker services I attended was a "Blue Christmas" service.

The holidays are hard on many people, more than most of us realize.

flan

I miss my parents. Christmas isn't the same without them. 



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flan327


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weltschmerz wrote:
flan327 wrote:

One of the first Quaker services I attended was a "Blue Christmas" service.

The holidays are hard on many people, more than most of us realize.

flan

I miss my parents. Christmas isn't the same without them. 

 I'm sorry. As many people here know, I wasn't close to my mother.

flan



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weltschmerz


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I was very close to mine. I miss her terribly, and it's more acute during the holidays.

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flan327


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weltschmerz wrote:

I was very close to mine. I miss her terribly, and it's more acute during the holidays.

 I understand. How long has she been gone?

flan



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weltschmerz


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My dad, about 6 years. My mom, 5.
They always made Christmas very special. They had a big house up north in the woods, with roaring fireplaces, wonderful food, and a Santa who would mysteriously arrive every time my dad would "go to the store".

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weltschmerz


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Our Santa had a heavy Russian accent.
"Ho, Ho, Ho! Verr you goot leetul childruns?"

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flan327


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weltschmerz wrote:

Our Santa had a heavy Russian accent.
"Ho, Ho, Ho! Verr you goot leetul childruns?"

 Thanks for sharing that.

What wonderful memories!

flan



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weltschmerz wrote:

My dad, about 6 years. My mom, 5.
They always made Christmas very special. They had a big house up north in the woods, with roaring fireplaces, wonderful food, and a Santa who would mysteriously arrive every time my dad would "go to the store".

  Sounds wonderful! 



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We lose people. It's a fact of life. I've lost a brother and a good friend who died at 23. I've lost my father. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.

I miss them all the time.

However, I think it's somewhat your responsibility to not "dwell" on those losses all the time--and ESPECIALLY during the holidays.

What fun would Christmas be if I were moping around mourning the loss of my dad and brother the entire holiday season?

Loss is a part of life--but life goes on. I have children and, now, a grandchild. They deserve to experience some magic for Christmas and not have everyone depressed around them.

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Every Christmas eve I can remember, my pawpaw and uncle would play their guitars.

I have a picture of the last time pawpaw ever played his guitar.

It was Christmas eve, 2012. He died the following April.

I miss him more every year.

But I know he would not want any of us to be sad.

Missing someone is completely normal.

Allowing that to take away from the living is wrong and hurtful to everyone.







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lilyofcourse wrote:

Every Christmas eve I can remember, my pawpaw and uncle would play their guitars.

I have a picture of the last time pawpaw ever played his guitar.

It was Christmas eve, 2012. He died the following April.

I miss him more every year.

But I know he would not want any of us to be sad.

Missing someone is completely normal.

Allowing that to take away from the living is wrong and hurtful to everyone.





 I think you have to remember and keep this a happy time for the next generation.  Sometimes you have to set your pain aside for a day and let others have their parades.



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lilyofcourse


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Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.



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lilyofcourse wrote:

Every Christmas eve I can remember, my pawpaw and uncle would play their guitars.

I have a picture of the last time pawpaw ever played his guitar.

It was Christmas eve, 2012. He died the following April.

I miss him more every year.

But I know he would not want any of us to be sad.

Missing someone is completely normal.

Allowing that to take away from the living is wrong and hurtful to everyone.





 OR...the people who LOVE you will understand.

flan



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lilyofcourse wrote:

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

 Amen!



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Flan, there is a time to stop the Misery Parade at EVERY occassion. Sometimes in life you put on a brave front, FOR THE SAKE of OTHERS. Depression is a selfish bastard. Don't let it rob your family and friends of their joy. For the KIDS, this is THEIR time. Their time of happy memories and fun. When MIL was alive, she was miserable for every holiday. Yes, it was painful to be a widow. And, my mom was a widow too. That doesn't mean your pain isn't real. It just means that you choose for ONE day to be unselfishly set it aside for the happiness of others, even if you have to pretend.

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

Every Christmas eve I can remember, my pawpaw and uncle would play their guitars.

I have a picture of the last time pawpaw ever played his guitar.

It was Christmas eve, 2012. He died the following April.

I miss him more every year.

But I know he would not want any of us to be sad.

Missing someone is completely normal.

Allowing that to take away from the living is wrong and hurtful to everyone.





 I think you have to remember and keep this a happy time for the next generation.  Sometimes you have to set your pain aside for a day and let others have their parades.

 I agree, Lily and LGS.

I miss my Grandpa. He died July 1, 2014. I had a 4th of July party planned and knew Grandpa would come back just kick my rear if I cancelled the party so it went on as planned. Christmas last year was weird without him but this year it was back to normal. Grandpa absolutely hated anything being different on his account so the best way to honor him is to go on with life. He would smack each and every one of us if we wallowed in sadness.



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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Flan, there is a time to stop the Misery Parade at EVERY occassion. Sometimes in life you put on a brave front, FOR THE SAKE of OTHERS. Depression is a selfish bastard. Don't let it rob your family and friends of their joy. For the KIDS, this is THEIR time. Their time of happy memories and fun. When MIL was alive, she was miserable for every holiday. Yes, it was painful to be a widow. And, my mom was a widow too. That doesn't mean your pain isn't real. It just means that you choose for ONE day to be unselfishly set it aside for the happiness of others, even if you have to pretend.

 Well said!



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flan327


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From the OP:

Go ahead and feel what you need to feel. It's better for you.

flan

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flan327


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lilyofcourse wrote:

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

 

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

 

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

 But YOU don't get to tell me when it's MY turn to laugh & MY turn to weep.

There are too many variables & they differ from person to person.

flan



-- Edited by flan327 on Friday 25th of December 2015 12:06:08 PM

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flan327 wrote:

From the OP:

Go ahead and feel what you need to feel. It's better for you.

flan

 Yeah, better for YOU.  Everyone else be damned.



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flan327


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

From the OP:

Go ahead and feel what you need to feel. It's better for you.

flan

 Yeah, better for YOU.  Everyone else be damned.

 Dramatic much?

flan



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flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

From the OP:

Go ahead and feel what you need to feel. It's better for you.

flan

 Yeah, better for YOU.  Everyone else be damned.

 Dramatic much?

flan

 How is that creating drama? 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I really don't get what you are saying? So, sulk, cry and complain or what?

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Some can't see past the end of their own noses. No one else matters.

I think, and this is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt, when you stop concentrating on your own sadness and start concentrating on another's joy, it begins to help your own mood.



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Some people wish to hold on to misery as if it's their dearest friend. It's not. Depression is a miserable companion! Stop putting it front and center in life. People do not have to become their illness. It doesnt' have to define your life and every moment of it unless you put it in the driver's seat.

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ed11563


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Some people wish to hold on to misery as if it's their dearest friend. It's not. Depression is a miserable companion! Stop putting it front and center in life. People do not have to become their illness. It doesnt' have to define your life and every moment of it unless you put it in the driver's seat.

Clearly you think depressed people have a choice. "Get over it." Right, like that helps. cry

 



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I dont.

But there is a difference between being depressed and having the holiday blues.



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lilyofcourse wrote:

I dont.

But there is a difference between being depressed and having the holiday blues.

 Oh really, Dr. Lily?

no

flan



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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I dont.

But there is a difference between being depressed and having the holiday blues.

 Oh really, Dr. Lily?

no

flan

 Yes, really.

What is wrong with you?

no



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flan327


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chef wrote:
flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I dont.

But there is a difference between being depressed and having the holiday blues.

 Oh really, Dr. Lily?

no

flan

 Yes, really.

What is wrong with you?

no

 On Christmas? Really? Don't you have something better to do?

Lily has said before that if you're depressed, you just need to "get over it."

flan



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ed11563 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Some people wish to hold on to misery as if it's their dearest friend. It's not. Depression is a miserable companion! Stop putting it front and center in life. People do not have to become their illness. It doesnt' have to define your life and every moment of it unless you put it in the driver's seat.

Clearly you think depressed people have a choice. "Get over it." Right, like that helps. cry

 

 I didnt say that at all.  I have written a lot about depression.  



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I dont.

But there is a difference between being depressed and having the holiday blues.

 Oh really, Dr. Lily?

no

flan

 There are different types of depression.  You know that flan.



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flan327


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Why, yes, I do indeed.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is another type.

flan

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Some people actually enjoy being pissy at Christmas. You can feel depressed and gloomy but that just makes others not to want to be around you and it compounds the problem. Sure they'll understand because they love you but they will also be resentful that they couldn't enjoy the day as much because you (general you) wouldn't at least try to be happy for them.

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Well, ok, so someone decides to act pissy and gloomy all day. How exactly has that improved their life one iota to do so??? They want to hold on to these feelings like some God given right. Ok, fine. So, hold on to them. What have you gained to do so?

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Then you end up writing to an advice column whining about why no one invites you to Christmas.

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well, ok, so someone decides to act pissy and gloomy all day. How exactly has that improved their life one iota to do so??? They want to hold on to these feelings like some God given right. Ok, fine. So, hold on to them. What have you gained to do so?

 I don't know that they necessarily "decide" to act that way. You can't turn your feelings on and off like a light switch.

And, if a person does try to put on a happy face & fails...they may end up feeling worse.

flan



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flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well, ok, so someone decides to act pissy and gloomy all day. How exactly has that improved their life one iota to do so??? They want to hold on to these feelings like some God given right. Ok, fine. So, hold on to them. What have you gained to do so?

 I don't know that they necessarily "decide" to act that way. You can't turn your feelings on and off like a light switch.

And, if a person does try to put on a happy face & fails...they may end up feeling worse.

flan

So, it isn't worth the "risk" of trying to be pleasant for one day?



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flan327


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I didn't say that.

flan

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Or they could end up feeling better just by trying.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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ed11563 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Some people wish to hold on to misery as if it's their dearest friend. It's not. Depression is a miserable companion! Stop putting it front and center in life. People do not have to become their illness. It doesnt' have to define your life and every moment of it unless you put it in the driver's seat.

Clearly you think depressed people have a choice. "Get over it." Right, like that helps. cry

 

 I have never said that.  And, you don't get to define my positions or opinions for me.  I have talked about this extensively.   However, there are some people who LOVE their depression and treat it like their most intimate lover.  They embrace it.  It becomes who they are and wish to be in the world.  There is a point where you have to realize that it is a Son of a bitch trying to rob you of your best life.  Until  then, you can keep on inviting it into your bed if you wish.  Some people don't want to change it.  The wrongs inflicted on them in the past are now so important to them, that they will throw away their entire future to hold on to that.  That's a shame but that is their life.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Tinydancer wrote:

Or they could end up feeling better just by trying.

 We can't have that! 



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Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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My father died on Christmas Even when I was 16. I had to MAKE myself stop hating Christmas after a while. Amazingly, it was spending Christmas in Japan, which is TRULY depressing, that made me count my blessings and enjoy Christmas when I returned to the States.

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flan327


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Lawyerlady wrote:

My father died on Christmas Even when I was 16. I had to MAKE myself stop hating Christmas after a while. Amazingly, it was spending Christmas in Japan, which is TRULY depressing, that made me count my blessings and enjoy Christmas when I returned to the States.

 I did not know that, LL. I'm so sorry.

flan



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Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

My father died on Christmas Even when I was 16. I had to MAKE myself stop hating Christmas after a while. Amazingly, it was spending Christmas in Japan, which is TRULY depressing, that made me count my blessings and enjoy Christmas when I returned to the States.

 I did not know that, LL. I'm so sorry.

flan

 Thank you.  As I grew up, I remembered all the Christmases we spent together, and it helped, b/c my father would not have wanted a scrooge for a daughter.  He loved Christmas.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I didn't know that either LL and i am very sorry. That is very difficult at such a young age.

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lilyofcourse


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Sorry, LL.

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