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Post Info TOPIC: Husband needs to quit being a wimp
huskerbb


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Husband needs to quit being a wimp
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Q. My stepchildren and their mom’s family: I have raised my three stepchildren since they were very young. Their father and I will be married early next year. For Christmas this year, they asked me if they could call me “Mom.” (Until now they’ve called me a sweet nickname.) I was overjoyed and with their father’s blessing told them: Of course! Their late mother is not a taboo subject. We talk about her often. Still, when her family learned of it, they became very upset. Their grandma and uncle told them calling me “Mom” would be disrespectful to their late mother. The kids have been distraught ever since. My husband is angry but doesn’t want the kids’ relationship with their mom’s family to suffer. Neither do I. What should we do?

A: How awful that their relatives would try to guilt these children into loving you less, simply because they lost their mother years ago. I want to be sensitive to their pain—they lost a daughter and a sister—but badgering these children out of calling you “Mom” is no way to honor their dead mother’s memory. You are marrying their father. You are helping to raise them. For some of them, you will be the only mother they have ever known or can remember. If they want to call you their mother, it would be bewildering and unkind for their grandmother and uncle to insist otherwise. This calls for a gentle but firm touch on your husband’s part. He needs to explain to his first wife’s family that while he will always honor and cherish her memory, you are a very real part of his children’s life now. If they insist on tormenting your children when they call you their mother—and you are their mother—they cannot be around them. This is an issue they should work out in private with a grief counselor, not by policing the feelings of toddlers.



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huskerbb


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If the relationship with his late wife's family suffers due to this, it's on them, not him or his wife.

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NAOW


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huskerbb wrote:

If the relationship with his late wife's family suffers due to this, it's on them, not him or his wife.

 I agree. I hope he steps up for her and his children.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Moms come in all forms. They aren't always blood related.

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lilyofcourse


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I can understand the feelings but they shouldn't have said a thing to the kids.



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Charley Harper
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How are they trying to guilt the kids into loving the SM less? That is a stretch. They just don't want them calling her mom, which is stupid, thoughtless, and none of their business.

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I can understand the feelings of the deceased woman's family. Still, it's none of their business, really. They can continue to preserve the memory of their daughter/sister by sharing lovely stories of the woman with her children, and by supporting their father and new "mother". Otherwise, the memories they will have of their mother was that of a demeaning and controlling family from which she was from.

Sometimes people need to put their emotional IQs in check, and act from their brains, not their hearts.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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She has raised them since they were young, so what are they calling her now? As for the Inlaws, they don't get a vote. That is Dad's decision with his new wife. I would think the inlaws would be over joyed to have a stable, loving women who is loving and caring for their grandchildren. However, i wouldn't necessarily pile on dad. I don't think this situation is screaming "wimp" but i think it does show that he is a thoughtful and caring dad that he considers the impact it has on them. But, if that is what they wish to do, he needs to just tell them firmly that this is the way it is going to be. But, that in no way minimizes their biological mother and both he and his new wife make efforts to very much keep her memory and presence alive.

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Cheerios4606


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In-laws need to flick their love switch back to on. Geez!

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lilyofcourse


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I wonder about the circumstances around how LW came into their lives.



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It says she has raised them since they were very young and the mother is a "late mother" so she died. If the mom died the dad probably met someone who helped raise them. I don't see anything evil in it.

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Lindley


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I almost can see both sides. I do believe that if the kids chose to call her mom that is quite a honor and shows that she treated them as her own and she deserves the honor. The other family may fear that their daughter/sister would be forgotten and may still have some pain in their loss. That said it is still the kids right and there could be a come together about this. The husband/father should speak for his wife and with gentleness and diplomacy assure the late wifes/mother's family that his wife has loved and cared about their grandchildren like they were hers and he is going to honor their wishes and even though they will call her mother that does not take away the memory and love they have for their late mother and how blessed they are to have the love of two moms.

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lilyofcourse


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

It says she has raised them since they were very young and the mother is a "late mother" so she died. If the mom died the dad probably met someone who helped raise them. I don't see anything evil in it.

 I'm wondering when they met.

Before or after the mother died? If after, how soon after?

 

Not looking for evil.

Looking for context and dynamics. 

How did the mom die?

Was it quick or a long illness?

What was the relationship with the husband and the in laws?

 

I think it could help explain the attitude. 



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

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huskerbb


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I don't see what difference it makes. What his first wife's family wants is not paramount here.

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Fort Worth Mom


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lilyofcourse wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

It says she has raised them since they were very young and the mother is a "late mother" so she died. If the mom died the dad probably met someone who helped raise them. I don't see anything evil in it.

 I'm wondering when they met.

Before or after the mother died? If after, how soon after?

 

Not looking for evil.

Looking for context and dynamics. 

How did the mom die?

Was it quick or a long illness?

What was the relationship with the husband and the in laws?

 

I think it could help explain the attitude. 

Well, the LW didn't mention any of these things.

Just that she's been raising them, for years, along with the Dad.

Her future in-laws should be jumping with joy, that the children love this gal enough, to want to call her Mom.

And instead, they are trying to guilt the kids into not calling her Mom.

Shame on them.cry 



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lilyofcourse


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I understand both sides.

Just curious.

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Charley Harper
Nobody Just Nobody


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I don't get the impression that the step mom (new mom) did anything "wrong". When kids are young and they're biological mother is gone it's a normal thing for them to call the new mom, mom. I understand the family not wanting them to forget their biological mother but it doesn't sound like she's trying to make them forget her. It doesn't sound like the new mom is attempting to "replace" her.

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lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

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No. I don't think so either.



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
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