DEAR HARRIETTE: My adult son constantly invites my husband and me to come to his music performances. He is independent now, but he seems to have held onto the elementary notion of wanting his parents to come to his shows. We have just moved four hours away, so we could theoretically see a weekend show, but this requires the funds and willpower. We have watched him play the flute for over 20 years, and as parents, we are ecstatic that he seems to have found his passion in music. However, he pouts and stomps when we tell him that we will not be able to make a performance. I have not told my husband how my son responds when I say we cannot come, so my husband assumes our son is all right with this change. How do I come clean to everyone about my son's exhausting behavior? He is much closer to 30 than 20, and he needs to let his parents off the hook. -- No More Shows, Shreveport, Louisiana
DEAR NO MORE SHOWS: It's time for you to share the burden of this experience with your husband. Tell him about your son's strong reaction to your absence whenever that happens. Talk openly with your husband about how you can remain supportive of your son while also giving him and you the space for him to be independent. Creeping closer to 30 can be a daunting time for some. Yes, your son should be able to live his life independent of yours, but if you have always supported his pursuits, not showing up now, after you have moved, may feel like a blow to him. Your job is to remind him of how much you love him, even as you put your foot down and say you can't come every time. Sadly, you did not confront his tantrums effectively when he was a child. You have to do it now.
