EAR MISS MANNERS: I am spending the holidays with my boyfriend's family for the first time. I asked my boyfriend what his family dinners are like, and he mentioned that after dinner the women clean and the men talk and watch sports on TV.
These outdated gender roles go against both of our beliefs. I don't mind helping clean, but it bothers me that the men will just be sitting around.
My boyfriend says it bothers his sisters too, but that no one has done anything about it. He offered to say something, but I know he really doesn't want to and is just doing it to make me happy.
What should I do? I don't want his family to think I'm rude by not cleaning, but I also don't want to encourage something that I don't believe in.
GENTLE READER: So, as a first-time visitor and non-relative at a family event, you could snap off the television set and order the men to the kitchen. It wouldn't do anything to spread your beliefs, but at least you would never again have to worry about the dynamics of this particular family.
Guests have no business acting as reformers. Still, Miss Manners supposes that you expect her to devise a more subtle way to plant the idea of change in this family, because of the possibility that you might someday join it. All right, all right.
One would be to ask the sisters, "Don't any of you want to watch the game?" and, if anyone says yes, to say, "You go ahead; I'll cover for you here. Or maybe you could send one of them in, in case anyone wants to join us."
Another would be to persuade your beau to insist upon helping clean up, and insisting equally forcefully that his mother go out and relax.
Either way would begin to suggest the idea of after-dinner division by interests, rather than by gender.
How about "when in Rome....do what the Romans do". Is it a big fraking deal to do some dishes? Actually it is kind of fun and a good way to bond with the women of the family. Sheesh.
I would rather the men watch the game instead of getting in the way. Like LGS said it is a great bonding time. My daughters friend in high school went to a boyfriends house for dinner and there the women eat last and never with the men. She just loaded up her plate and sat with her boyfriend. Even though I would think that is silly I would respect their home but would make sure that they understand that at my home everyone will eat at the same time.
She'll learn that the easiest way to do anything is with the men in another room.
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If she can get boyfriend to help, awesome--but I doubt that will get any other guys off the couch.
If she and sisters want to stage some boycott--have at it, but that would probably leave mom to do it alone.
There are things you can change, and things you can't.
Well, her thinking that she has to change them in the first place is VERY presumptous. SHe can do it differently in HER home. SHe doesn't get to run someone elses.
I would rather the men watch the game instead of getting in the way. Like LGS said it is a great bonding time. My daughters friend in high school went to a boyfriends house for dinner and there the women eat last and never with the men. She just loaded up her plate and sat with her boyfriend. Even though I would think that is silly I would respect their home but would make sure that they understand that at my home everyone will eat at the same time.
Oh hell no.
First, I am not the hired help. I eat when everyone else is eating and I eat with my spouse. I will help you clean up or help you cook, but DH will do the one I don't. I usually help cook or set the table and DH cleans up.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
If she wants to challenge the status quo, she should plop herself down on the couch with the boys and ask the man-of-the-house "So, is cleaning up 'women's work', or are you going to help?". She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
If she wants to challenge the status quo, she should plop herself down on the couch with the boys and ask the man-of-the-house "So, is cleaning up 'women's work', or are you going to help?". She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
I think that is a bad idea. I doubt it would really change anything. Sometimes there are things that just can't be changed. She can do whatever she wants when she is the host.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
If she wants to challenge the status quo, she should plop herself down on the couch with the boys and ask the man-of-the-house "So, is cleaning up 'women's work', or are you going to help?". She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
By all means. Go to someone else's home. Make it all about YOU and your agenda. You are "right" and they are wrong so die on it.
If she wants to challenge the status quo, she should plop herself down on the couch with the boys and ask the man-of-the-house "So, is cleaning up 'women's work', or are you going to help?". She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
By all means. Go to someone else's home. Make it all about YOU and your agenda. You are "right" and they are wrong so die on it.
He admitted this:
She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
And, they would say Good Riddance! If she thinks she is going to control the extended family of her spouse, well good luck with that one! Lol
Hopefully she'll realize that she does not set the rules for their house.
flan
Well, she can either join in with a good spirit an attitude. She can playfully attemt to get her BF to help which kind of sets a new tone. She can go plop herself on the coucn and declare "I don't do dishes" or she can just decide that the archaic cavemen of this family aren't her style.
If she wants to challenge the status quo, she should plop herself down on the couch with the boys and ask the man-of-the-house "So, is cleaning up 'women's work', or are you going to help?". She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
By all means. Go to someone else's home. Make it all about YOU and your agenda. You are "right" and they are wrong so die on it.
He admitted this:
She should also brace herself for the possibility of never being invited over again.
flan
I know, but it's not all about her. Every family has their flaws. Her boyfriend undoubtedly wants to see his family, so her making a snit over this would not be good.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Even if she hosts, she couldn't change it. Usually the host doesn't ask anyone to clean up, they accept what help is offered (if they want), and if only the women offer then what is she going to do about it? Demand the men clean?
