TOTALLY GEEKED!

ed11563 · Guru

Woman Still Angry At Family For Ignoring Childhood Trauma

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

You don't know what is going on, but I'm going to be pissed at you anyway.

Yep. Sounds like therapy is working to me.

Lindley · Guru

Therapy may be causing her to dig up her issues so she can deal with her pain. She needs to let her therapist know of her anger and help her process her feelings and work it out.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Look. I haven't had the best experiences with therapy.

But it seems to me, more often than not, it's more about finding someone to blame than accepting and moving on.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

She can't expect empathy from anyone when she hasn't told them the root cause.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Part of becoming an adult is realizing that your parents were flawed people too. That your parents had their own issues. That they had their own problems too and maybe weren't always the best they could be for their kids. And, part of being an adult is realizing that you cannot judge your parents using TODAY's standards for what happened decades ago. Ask yourself. Did my parents love me? Did they mostly act in my best interest? Were they the ones who were there for me for most of the issues in life? And yeah, maybe they dropped the ball at times. And, how were THEY raised as well? Their dynamics affect how they may have responded with regards to how they are raised.
If you want to heal, you need to FORGIVE. Forgive your parents for being less than perfect, for not maybe noticing what they did not notice. Maybe they should have. Who knows? It's past. The only time you have now is the time you have now with your mom. Do you want to spend that remaining time rehashing old wounds? What exactly do you think will be accomplished? If your mom says "I am sorry that i didn't do more" will that satisfy or not?
I would advise going to counseling and learning how to live for today. Not everything in life can be resolved in the way you wish it to be resolved.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

That was very well said, Gaga.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

I dont always hold therapy in high regard. I have a relative that has been in therapy for over 20 years with the same therapist. Going in, her ONLY problem was dealing with molestation by a family friend as a child. Since while still working on the molestation issues she has also graduated to morbid obesity, cutting, ER hopping for prescription abuse, asthma, fear of water, fear of riding shotgun, psoriasis, borderline hoarding, and a few other issues I can't think of off the top of my head. Things that she never had a problem with before. She loves her therapist and refuses to believe she enables her rather than helps her.

-- Edited by Cheerios4606 on Saturday 9th of January 2016 10:20:38 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Let me just be blunt and say that some people cling to these past traumas in order to have something to blame life's failures on.

Notice I said SOME and not ALL before anybody gets their panties all in a wad.

Cheerios4606 · Guru

Agree!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

My sister two of my sisters were raped by the son of a family friend of my parents. They told my parents. My parents told them to keep it quiet. They didn't want to lose the friendship.

sweet tooth · Member

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
My sister two of my sisters were raped by the son of a family friend of my parents. They told my parents. My parents told them to keep it quiet. They didn't want to lose the friendship.

Wow.

burns07 · Guru

My sister two of my sisters were raped by the son of a family friend of my parents. They told my parents. My parents told them to keep it quiet. They didn't want to lose the friendship.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

dear God--what sort of message does that convey to your precious children, your flesh and blood ? kuhryst!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I can see why you had to get away NJN.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I can see why you had to get away NJN.

Gosh, that's beyond terrible.

I would have cut them off, too.

How awful for your sisters, NJN. cry

Lindley · Guru

I'm so sorry njn.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I started to say my sister but my younger sister came out first. Made huge deal out of it. My parents tried to hush her. She developed an eating disorder for awhile. Then my older sister quietly came out and said the same thing happened. But by then the whole thing had been swept under the carpet. To this day my parents live their lives worried about what others think of them rather than what is.

I guess I'm kind of biased and I'll freely admit that. Seeing what my sisters went through was tough. I don't know what the mom in the OP is like but sometimes therapy does dredge up a ton of old crap. I'm not saying that there aren't people who wallow in therapy. There definitely are. The problem for this woman is she will probably not ever get the resolution she is hoping for. That should probably be the goal she shoots for.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

And thank you all. My family... Oy!

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I started to say my sister but my younger sister came out first. Made huge deal out of it. My parents tried to hush her. She developed an eating disorder for awhile. Then my older sister quietly came out and said the same thing happened. But by then the whole thing had been swept under the carpet. To this day my parents live their lives worried about what others think of them rather than what is.

I guess I'm kind of biased and I'll freely admit that. Seeing what my sisters went through was tough. I don't know what the mom in the OP is like but sometimes therapy does dredge up a ton of old crap. I'm not saying that there aren't people who wallow in therapy. There definitely are. The problem for this woman is she will probably not ever get the resolution she is hoping for. That should probably be the goal she shoots for.

NJN, the problem for this woman is...she NEVER told her Mom and family, and asked for their help, when it happened.

And now, years later, she wants to be mad at her Mom, for not reading her mind! confuse

This gal is in a heap of trouble.

It sounds like she wants to torture her Mom, who has cancer, and may not live much longer.

Over, a terrible experience that she never told her Mom about, that happened many years ago. cry

That sounds very sad, to me.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I understand all that FWM. But her mom may not ever respond to her the way she wants. I'm just saying she needs to be prepared for that. Even if her mom is horribly upset for her she still may not be able to give her the resolution she is hoping for.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't know how old this mother is or how old the daughter is but there was a time, a long time ago, that rape was just not talked about. The victim was victimized all over again. Blamed. The mother may be from that generation. Not excusing her at all. But if Abby is saying the mom was from a generation that eating disorders didn't really exist then the same would go for rape. Same generation I'm trying to say.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Therapists have done a world of good for me. When I first started going, I answered questions with one word. Later I began to talk, really talk...I can't tell you how much that helped.

That being said, I hope the OP can find a way to talk to her mother & come to some closure.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

Oh geez. Another "poor me" perpetual victim continually wallowing in their victimhood and blaming their parents for how crappy their life is.

FVCKING LET IT GO.

What is the point of telling your mother what a crappy mother she was? She can't go back and change it if she wanted to. What's an apology going to get you? That and thirty bucks will fill your car with gas.

If you don't want to have a relationship with her, then fine--doesn't sound like you'll have to worry about it very long, anyway.

huskerbb · Guru

Therapy may have its uses--but too many people don't even want to heal. They want someone to hold their hand, tell them what they want to hear (in this case, how sh!tty her mom was), and give them excuses to blame for their sh!tty lives.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

The girl never told anyone, so her mom wasn't necessarily a crappie mom.

Not telling anyone puts this squarely on her own shoulders.

It isn't her fault she was raped.

But it is her fault she didn't tell anyone.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
The girl never told anyone, so her mom wasn't necessarily a crappie mom.

Not telling anyone puts this squarely on her own shoulders.

It isn't her fault she was raped.

But it is her fault she didn't tell anyone.

From the OP:

They didn't know about the rape, but they knew about my eating disorder, and I'm sure they must have noticed my depressed mood. They simply looked the other way, and I was offered no help whatsoever.

flan

huskerbb · Guru

flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
The girl never told anyone, so her mom wasn't necessarily a crappie mom.

Not telling anyone puts this squarely on her own shoulders.

It isn't her fault she was raped.

But it is her fault she didn't tell anyone.

From the OP:
They didn't know about the rape, but they knew about my eating disorder, and I'm sure they must have noticed my depressed mood. They simply looked the other way, and I was offered no help whatsoever.
flan

She is assuming they knew--and she says they simply "must" have noticed her depressed mood. Hell, ALL teenagers have varying moods. They may not, in fact, have noticed.

ed11563 · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
The girl never told anyone, so her mom wasn't necessarily a crappie mom.

Not telling anyone puts this squarely on her own shoulders.

It isn't her fault she was raped.

But it is her fault she didn't tell anyone.

From the OP:
They didn't know about the rape, but they knew about my eating disorder, and I'm sure they must have noticed my depressed mood. They simply looked the other way, and I was offered no help whatsoever.
flan
She is assuming they knew--and she says they simply "must" have noticed her depressed mood. Hell, ALL teenagers have varying moods. They may not, in fact, have noticed.

When my kids were growing up (and sometimes still), I would ask each of them at least 3 times a week, "Is there anything I should know about?" followed by ... "Is there anything you want me to NOT know about?"

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And you would have gotten the typical eyeroll and no from me.

Teens can be moody. They can dress in all black, rarely come out of their room, rarely speak to you, listen to screamo and death metal and be perfectly fine.

They can participate in every activity, wear bright, cheerful clothes, have tons of friends, and be the life of the party and be in serious trouble.

And this can change in a heartbeat either way.

You can not expect someone else to know what you are going through if you don't open your mouth.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

lilyofcourse wrote:
And you would have gotten the typical eyeroll and no from me.

Teens can be moody. They can dress in all black, rarely come out of their room, rarely speak to you, listen to screamo and death metal and be perfectly fine.

They can participate in every activity, wear bright, cheerful clothes, have tons of friends, and be the life of the party and be in serious trouble.

And this can change in a heartbeat either way.

You can not expect someone else to know what you are going through if you don't open your mouth.

Exactly.

She's been holding a grudge against her Mom for years...because her Mom wasn't able to read her mind.

And now that her Mom is near death, she wants to punish her. cry

This gal has serious problems.

I feel sorry for her.

I feel even sorrier for her Mom, if she decides to go off on her.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Sometimes the signs are VERY obvious.

flan

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

flan327 wrote:
Sometimes the signs are VERY obvious.

flan

And sometimes, they're not.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Fort Worth Mom wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
And you would have gotten the typical eyeroll and no from me.

Teens can be moody. They can dress in all black, rarely come out of their room, rarely speak to you, listen to screamo and death metal and be perfectly fine.

They can participate in every activity, wear bright, cheerful clothes, have tons of friends, and be the life of the party and be in serious trouble.

And this can change in a heartbeat either way.

You can not expect someone else to know what you are going through if you don't open your mouth.
Exactly.
She's been holding a grudge against her Mom for years...because her Mom wasn't able to read her mind.
And now that her Mom is near death, she wants to punish her.
This gal has serious problems.
I feel sorry for her.
I feel even sorrier for her Mom, if she decides to go off on her.

Yes, exactly on both counts.

Parents are not perfect mind readers, they are not clairvoyant, and to hold a grudge against someone for years because they didn't guess you had issues is so immature it's mindboggling. This girl never grew up.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I call it the "rescue me" syndrome.

They just wait around for someone to notice and all the while they can't see they are doing this to themselves.

DemoniaD · Senior Member

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Part of becoming an adult is realizing that your parents were flawed people too. That your parents had their own issues. That they had their own problems too and maybe weren't always the best they could be for their kids. And, part of being an adult is realizing that you cannot judge your parents using TODAY's standards for what happened decades ago. Ask yourself. Did my parents love me? Did they mostly act in my best interest? Were they the ones who were there for me for most of the issues in life? And yeah, maybe they dropped the ball at times. And, how were THEY raised as well? Their dynamics affect how they may have responded with regards to how they are raised.
If you want to heal, you need to FORGIVE. Forgive your parents for being less than perfect, for not maybe noticing what they did not notice. Maybe they should have. Who knows? It's past. The only time you have now is the time you have now with your mom. Do you want to spend that remaining time rehashing old wounds? What exactly do you think will be accomplished? If your mom says "I am sorry that i didn't do more" will that satisfy or not?
I would advise going to counseling and learning how to live for today. Not everything in life can be resolved in the way you wish it to be resolved.

This! Many people should consider this, instead of holding on to anger and/or hate.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
I call it the "rescue me" syndrome.

They just wait around for someone to notice and all the while they can't see they are doing this to themselves.

And sometimes they literally CAN'T. Just having someone notice might make all the difference (I'm speaking from my experience).

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

It's too late for her mom to go back and change anything now so it's up to her to do something to help herself get over it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I call it the "rescue me" syndrome.

They just wait around for someone to notice and all the while they can't see they are doing this to themselves.
And sometimes they literally CAN'T. Just having someone notice might make all the difference (I'm speaking from my experience).
flan

Not everyone walks the earth with a cynical attitude looking for problems. You can't blame someone for not noticing what you were not willing to share. Talk about self-centered victim mentality (in general).

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I call it the "rescue me" syndrome.

They just wait around for someone to notice and all the while they can't see they are doing this to themselves.
And sometimes they literally CAN'T. Just having someone notice might make all the difference (I'm speaking from my experience).
flan
Not everyone walks the earth with a cynical attitude looking for problems. You can't blame someone for not noticing what you were not willing to share. Talk about self-centered victim mentality (in general).

I can only speak from MY experience. And it could not have been more obvious that I needed help.

flan

Cheerios4606 · Guru

Plus there is the "first child" thing. As a parent, you obviously dont know what you are doing and you are winging it 90% of the time, especially with the first kid. If this person was a first child, it is quite possible mom simply didnt understand the clues and didnt recognize something was more than a little off. I could even guess that she solisoted some friends and perhaps they told her not to worry about it, that it was just teen angst. Heck, I have told my first born straight up "I messed up here and here and here, and this is why child two is getting a different application to the situation".

Sad all around, but this gal needs to let her mother die in peace and stop insisting on extracting the whaling apology she obviously is demanding.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Sounds like she needs a better therapist.