Dear Prudence, I was recently asked by a professional acquaintance to be the best man at his wedding. I’m very surprised by the request, as he and I only talk once or twice per year about work, and I do not consider him to be a personal friend. I would feel gross while pretending my way through a wedding I have zero personal investment in. But I also wonder if this person had no one else to ask. I think of how awful that must feel and wonder if going might be a random act of kindness for a relative stranger. And to a lesser extent, I worry about burning a bridge that could be useful for me professionally in the future. Can I say no? And if so, how?
—Not
I can’t imagine that being best man in a near-stranger’s wedding would somehow end up a professional stepping-stone for you.It’s certainly sad that you appear to be the closest male friend this man has, but that’s no reason to join his wedding party. He could have you on the hook for party planning and wedding talk for months if you say yes. If you’re interested in being kind to him because he seems lonely, ask him out for coffee and talk about something besides work; don’t rent a tux and pretend you two are best friends. Tell him that while you’re honored by his request, you don’t think you’re the right person for the job and wouldn’t be able to do the role justice, given your busy schedule. (If you don’t have a busy schedule, get one.) There will be other professional opportunities that won’t involve planning a bachelor party for a man you barely know.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I'd probably at least have a beer with the guy and see what his story is.
Maybe he lives a long way from his hometown and his friends can't make it. Maybe he has no siblings.
I wouldn't agree to do it in the spot, but I'd at least give him the courtesy of the beer.
Being a best man isn't nearly the obligation being a maid of honor is.
I agree with Husker.
I had a coworker who was always hyper, talked a mile a minute, and told me at one point I was his best friend ...
which was kind of scary, since I was nice to him when we interacted, saved his bacon with customers a couple of times, and avoided him when I could ...
If he had asked me to do something like this, it would have been a bit awkward.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Best man is basically a show up and give the first toast job and that is it. I would do it for just the pleasure of making sure he has someone nice at his side.
Best man is basically a show up and give the first toast job and that is it. I would do it for just the pleasure of making sure he has someone nice at his side.
He's also supposed to throw the bachelor party.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Best man is basically a show up and give the first toast job and that is it. I would do it for just the pleasure of making sure he has someone nice at his side.
He's also supposed to throw the bachelor party.
Easy, take the guy to a bar or a strip club. Just the two of them, since the guy doesn't seem to have any friends.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Best man is basically a show up and give the first toast job and that is it. I would do it for just the pleasure of making sure he has someone nice at his side.
He's also supposed to throw the bachelor party.
Easy, take the guy to a bar or a strip club. Just the two of them, since the guy doesn't seem to have any friends.
You'd probably have to use your friends. But, it's not like most guys need an excuse to look at bewbies and drink beer.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I don't know. I guess it is his choice if he wants too or not. If this is a small wedding and not some big expensive deal, then maybe he could stand in. Or maybe he just believes they are much better friends on his end. Hard to tell. I mean, why not do something nice? I don't think he is obligated to throw a bachelor party. It isn't some requirement to have one.
Being in a wedding is not cheap. If it's a simple wedding or something he can easily afford, then not a big deal. But he shouldn't have to stretch financially to be nice.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Being in a wedding is not cheap. If it's a simple wedding or something he can easily afford, then not a big deal. But he shouldn't have to stretch financially to be nice.
I agree. As I said, his choice. He can choose to do it or not. There is nothing wrong to say No.
Being in a wedding is not cheap. If it's a simple wedding or something he can easily afford, then not a big deal. But he shouldn't have to stretch financially to be nice.
It's not that expensive for a guy. $100-150 for a tux. Maybe a few hundred for a bachelor party. Show up. That's about it.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Being in a wedding is not cheap. If it's a simple wedding or something he can easily afford, then not a big deal. But he shouldn't have to stretch financially to be nice.
It's not that expensive for a guy. $100-150 for a tux. Maybe a few hundred for a bachelor party. Show up. That's about it.
Well who knows? Might make some new friends in the process too. There are worse ways to spend your time and a few bucks.
