I know this is a shock but lots of us aren't living our lives with the goal of getting into "Ivy League" schools. Who Cares!

I wouldn't call it tough love. Neither do her girls. They had a balanced life. Do your work, get good grades. I had a friend who told me it was his 'job' to do well in school, get a good part time job, join activities. Worked for him.

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?
By AMY CHUA
Updated Jan. 8, 2011 12:01 a.m. ET
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

Amy Chua with her daughters, Louisa and Sophia, at their home in New Haven, Conn. ENLARGE
Amy Chua with her daughters, Louisa and Sophia, at their home in New Haven, Conn. ERIN PATRICE O'BRIEN FOR THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

Advertisement

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

IDEAS MARKET

The Tiger Mother Responds to Readers

Chua's Daughter Sophia Explains What Life is Really With her 'Tiger Mom'

An Asian Father's GIft: Permission to Fail

Ms. Chua answers questions from Journal readers who wrote in to the Ideas Market blog.

All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.

When it comes to parenting, the Chinese seem to produce children who display academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success - or so the stereotype goes. WSJ's Christina Tsuei speaks to two moms raised by Chinese immigrants who share what it was like growing up and how they hope to raise their children.
MORE PARENTING VIDEOS

Teaching Math to Spark Creative Thinking

Can Bilingualism Make Preschoolers Smarter?

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

JOURNAL COMMUNITY


What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

From Ms. Chua's album: 'Mean me with Lulu in hotel room... with score taped to TV!' ENLARGE
From Ms. Chua's album: 'Mean me with Lulu in hotel room... with score taped to TV!' CHUA FAMILY
As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

Newborn Amy Chua in her mother's arms, a year after her parents arrived in the U.S. ENLARGE
Newborn Amy Chua in her mother's arms, a year after her parents arrived in the U.S. CHUA FAMILY
First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Sophia playing at Carnegie Hall in 2007. ENLARGE
Sophia playing at Carnegie Hall in 2007. CHUA FAMILY
Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

READ MORE

A Cartoonist on Tiger Parenthood
In China, Not All Practice Tough Love
The Juggle: Are U.S. Parents Too Soft?
Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

"You can't make me."

"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

I am in disbelief after reading this article.

—James Post

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

—Amy Chua is a professor

I mean she is their mother and she can make whatever rules she wants. But, some of the above is just silly. You can't be in a school play?

A lot of Chinese kids kill themselves because their parents demand perfection.

Be #1 in EVERY subject? Yeah, sure.

DD is in 8th grade. She brought home her schedule for next year. There are some electives she can take. From Intro to Engineering to Choir to Painting to Accounting. Maybe Mrs Chua should tell me which one is "better" and how DD's life will be ruined if she picks the wrong one.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

---

weltschmerz wrote:

---

A lot of Chinese kids kill themselves because their parents demand perfection.

---

   Well, i think one point is that you aren't going raise the next Bill Gates in China.  If you are spending 2 hrs a day on the piano, that is 2 hrs a day you aren't spending doing something else that may be more your forte.

---

 Ever hear of Jack Ma, Wang Jianlin or Robin Li?

I'm not seeing your point.

weltschmerz wrote:

---

A lot of Chinese kids kill themselves because their parents demand perfection.

---

 Ok well a lot of America kids kill themselves too so what is Your point?

I have a friend who is Chinese. His mother was a tiger mom. He was glad for it.

Dd wants to take painting so she can take painting.

FNW wrote:

---

Hard to believe, I know.

---

Next you'll tell us you've done keg stands!   

I didnt say it would be her career.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

---

weltschmerz wrote:

---

A lot of Chinese kids kill themselves because their parents demand perfection.

---

 Ok well a lot of America kids kill themselves too so what is Your point?

---

 I would guess that, with American kids, the cause would be bullying.

Kids aren't robots that you can program.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

I wish she would just go away...

flan

---

 Who?

---

 Amy Chua

flan

chef wrote:

---

I'm a bit of a tiger mom with DS. I believe he can do whatever he sets his mind to. I push him to figure things out on his own, to reason through a problem and find a solution, to be independent, etc. I do help him but he has to at least try first before I'll step in. And, after I've shown him enough times, I stop doing whatever it is for him. I know when he's capable of doing something and just doesn't want to. I love seeing the smile on his face when he figures something out.

When he starts school, I will demand that he do his best. I don't need an A. As long as he does his best, I'm good. I won't accept laziness though. I don't expect him to excel at everything. I do expect that he do his personal best.

I do want to be clear that we do NOT insult DS. We don't believe in insulting children. We do believe in instilling confidence in DS and making sure his self-esteem is solid but we do not coddle him. He's a very resilient, very confident boy at age 2. I'm excited to see how this early confidence will play out as he gets older and chooses a career path.

-- Edited by chef on Thursday 28th of January 2016 11:01:30 PM

---

 You are also using common sense & moderation. I don't see either present in the OP.

flan

Personally, I am not a Tiger Mom, nor am I a Helicopter Mom. I am just Mom.

Some situations call for tough love. Buck up, pick up, keep going, press harder. Some situations call for a hug and snuggling. Not sure about the All or Nothing type approaches. For the most part, I think kids are great and kids want to RISE to the challenges in front of them. Today, we treat kids as if they are idiots. They can and WILL do what you ask of them. You should expect that kids can do things for themselves. On the other hand, you have the parents who live their own lives and sense of worth through their children and their children's accomplishments. That is also wrong in my opinion. I have 3 kids who are 3 completely different people. I expect their efforts. I expect them to strive. But, i am not going to put all thress into a cookie cutter mold and decide they all have to spend 2 hours a night playing the piano.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Well, her kids are happy, healthy successful and well-adjusted. You might not agree with or like her parenting style, but it worked for them.

I laugh, though, because I let DD11 do all of that stuff, and she still has straight A's and chooses to play the piano.

---

 Yes, it DID work for them. My worry is that other parents will try to copy her style & end up with miserable, rebellious kids. If a kid WANTS to practice a musical instrument, or shoot  hoops or read for hours a day, that's different.

flan

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Well, her kids are happy, healthy successful and well-adjusted. You might not agree with or like her parenting style, but it worked for them.

I laugh, though, because I let DD11 do all of that stuff, and she still has straight A's and chooses to play the piano.

---

 Yes, it DID work for them. My worry is that other parents will try to copy her style & end up with miserable, rebellious kids. If a kid WANTS to practice a musical instrument, or shoot  hoops or read for hours a day, that's different.

flan

---

 Well, it's certainly not going to work if someone suddenly decides to become a Tiger mom when her kids are 10.  It's something one would have to start from babyhood.

Any mother who takes a hand made birthday card from her child's hands and says "this isn't your best work. You can do better" and hands it back to the child for a re-do is a stone cold b!tch. Sorry. That isn't behavior I would accept from anyone in my life. But from a mother to a child - no. Hell no.

I expect my children to put forth their best effort all the time. We joke that in our house we only have one rule - maximum effort. That's all. The results are what they are but you MUST put forth your maximum effort. Sometimes my kids try and get a B. That's fine by me.

We have a lot of Asian students here. They all run themselves ragged trying to be the best in every class. But there can only be one "best". So the kids who end up not having the highest grade in class end up in the psychologists office every time. They develop OCD, they quit eating, they don't get enough sleep, they are terrified of their parents' reactions. I don't want my kids living like that. One of them said to DD "you are lucky your mom loves you so much. My mom only loves me if I get perfect scores. Sometimes I just need her to be a mom, not a boss". That's sad.

This whole concept of "the best" gets kind of stupid. What defines "the best"? If think we need to get rid of being "the best" and instead focus on being "YOUR best". Big difference. Obviously we want kids to put forth their best efforts. But, there is a lot more to life and being a good person than being "the best" at school, sports or whatever. I dont' want my daughter to be someone else's best, i want her to be HER best.
For instance, my daughter is a very good basketball player. She can be HER best. When she is at her best, she helps the team win games. But, the team will not win games if other players are also not their best. The high scorer is not necessarily the "best" player. It requires team work. It requires someone unselfishly passing the ball to the open man who has a better chance of scoring. There is a lot of excellence game play that others might not see that coaches absolutely see. We see assists. We see someone setting a great screen for the dribble drive. We see "the best" that is going on that doesn't necessarily show up in the newspaper.
The same with being "the best". Being "the best" may mean putting your own interests above the interests of the team or the collective goal. When you play at YOUR best, you are playing as a team, helping the team, but not looking solely to pad your own stats.

And, this whole notion of "i need to go to the BEST school, drive the BEST car, have the BEST house, have the BEST kids', what does that even mean? I guess i am very satisfied to live a "small town life". I like the small town. My kids can go to State U. I don't have some burning desire for them to go to an Ivy League school. That isn't what our lives are about. I want my kids to be good people. To work hard, be productive citizens but also be a part of the community and do good unto others. I want them to have a sense of gratitude about life and world and not be shoving people out of the way just for their own interests. Yes, be strong. Stand up for yourself. Take the high road. Require more from yourself. But, it just seems the whole Tiger thing is about MOM.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

It is not wrong to want your kids to do THEIR best and expect it of them. That doesn't necessarily mean they will BE the best in everything, but they should do what they can do to succeed. We have a slacker generation - it isn't going well.

---

 I agree.  We treat kids like morons.  Like they are weak, stupid, inept and incapable.  Then we wonder why they have low self esteem so then we try to pat them on the back for doing nothing but sitting on the couch scratching their behinds.  Kids actually WANT to succeed.  Kids WANT to work and challenge themselves and learn.  But, they are so coddled for so long, then it becomes ingrained that nothing is to ever be required of them.  If you simply tell kids that they need to do something and get OUT of their way, you would be surprised.  Years ago when the kids were little, i had a grueling day at work.  I was tired, so was DH.  We walked in and said, kids, your turn to cook and serve dinner.  They were like Whaatt??  They hadn't yet done it start to finish.  So, i just said "FIGURE IT OUT".  Then, DH and I went upstairs to watch TV.  I said call us when dinner is ready.  Then i could hear them talking among themselves.  My daughter would run up and ask us should I do this or that?  I said, look you are capable.  Figure it out and don't bug me again till supper is ready.  

 And, lo and behold, they can do it!  lol