Q. Should I tell my husband?: I’ve been married for close to 10 years, and I’ve never told my husband I was molested by a school janitor when I was 6. I repressed the memories for a very long time and have only shared them with my therapist. I’m struggling over whether to tell my dear husband. I’m still coming to terms with this myself and trying to figure out how this fits into who I am. I think I want to tell him, but I’m scared of how our relationship may change; I realize that’s probably more a reflection of my own fears. I know he loves me and have no doubt that he will do his best to be supportive and loving. He also knows something is wrong but is used to me keeping things close to the vest. My therapist supports my decision either way. What do you think?
A: I think you should give yourself permission not to tell him. That’s not to say you shouldn’t tell him, but even though he will respond in a loving and supportive way, you do not have to tell him. He still knows you well and loves you deeply. If this is something you choose to keep between yourself and your therapist for the rest of your life, you will still have a strong, supportive marriage. If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason. You’re already working with a therapist; if it makes you feel safer and more comfortable not to introduce this knowledge to your marriage for now, don’t do it.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Q. Re: Should I tell my husband?: As someone who was also molested, I’m so sorry for what happened. I think you need to tell your husband if you expect to have an open, emotionally intimate relationship. Bring him to a therapy session if you’d feel better having your therapist present. If you don’t tell your husband, not only will the molestation stand between you, but it will mean you don’t trust him enough to share this problem with him. You didn’t have control over being molested; you have control over telling him.
A: That’s a great idea—if and when you do decide to tell your husband, having your therapist mediate the conversation could be extremely helpful.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
It's tough, and I think the advice was pretty good--I think is she doesn't want to tell, though, she needs to be prepared to keep the secret, and not let it greatly affect her life.
10 years of marriage is already passed. Another 10 years won't help him take the news better. It's also unfair if it is affecting her life and marriage in tangible ways and he has no idea why--or the wrong idea.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Well, it wasn't important enough to tell him by now, why tell him at all?
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