Q. Moving out on my children: I’m a 44-year-old single woman with two children ages 23 and 20. I have raised them on my own since they were both born. Currently we all live together in a flat owned by my parents, who live in the unit underneath us. I pay the rent as well as all of the bills for me and my children. My daughter works part time and is a full-time student. My son works full time but doesn’t make all that much and has a car and insurance payments. I have never lived on my own and now that my children are grown I feel nothing is, or should be, holding me back. However, I still feel guilty about moving on—even though I’d only be 30 minutes away and would still contribute to their expenses for the next few years. They could rent out the spare bedroom and have more than enough to live on. I still feel like I would be abandoning my children, but I desperately need my own space and need to start living for myself. I love my children dearly and we have a great relationship—I don’t want to jeopardize that in any way. Please help.
A: Is all you need my permission? You have it. You are not abandoning your children; they are long past the age of abandonment. Move out. I hope you have a wonderful time in your own place.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well, honestly, she needs to realize that they are may act like they have been abandoned. If they have an entitled mentality then they may make her out to be the "bad guy". So, get ready. But, absolutely, move out. Time for them to stand on their own 2 feet. Yeah, if the daugther is in school, then she might need to still subsidize that. Let the sibs figure it out for themselves on how to survive. The longer she waits, the less likely it is that they actually will.
I'm more concerned about her abandoning her parents with this. She rents a place from her parents for her and her kids, then decides to move out and leave the grandparents with the job of evicting those kids if they don't pay. That's not right. They are not going to want to kick out the kids, and are the kids really going to pay after being coddled by their mother for years. She needs to start with making them pay rent NOW. And that might motivate them to move.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I'm more concerned about her abandoning her parents with this. She rents a place from her parents for her and her kids, then decides to move out and leave the grandparents with the job of evicting those kids if they don't pay. That's not right. They are not going to want to kick out the kids, and are the kids really going to pay after being coddled by their mother for years. She needs to start with making them pay rent NOW. And that might motivate them to move.
I'm more concerned about her abandoning her parents with this. She rents a place from her parents for her and her kids, then decides to move out and leave the grandparents with the job of evicting those kids if they don't pay. That's not right. They are not going to want to kick out the kids, and are the kids really going to pay after being coddled by their mother for years. She needs to start with making them pay rent NOW. And that might motivate them to move.
That's a good point.
She also says she will continue to help with their expenses for the next few years.
Plus, she mentions that the kids could rent out her bedroom, to help pay the bills.
It doesn't sound like she's going to leave the kids high and dry, to me.
I'm more concerned about her abandoning her parents with this. She rents a place from her parents for her and her kids, then decides to move out and leave the grandparents with the job of evicting those kids if they don't pay. That's not right. They are not going to want to kick out the kids, and are the kids really going to pay after being coddled by their mother for years. She needs to start with making them pay rent NOW. And that might motivate them to move.
That's a good point.
She also says she will continue to help with their expenses for the next few years.
Plus, she mentions that the kids could rent out her bedroom, to help pay the bills.
It doesn't sound like she's going to leave the kids high and dry, to me.
She's still going to help them.
She just wants to live by herself.
The student? Ok. The adult with a full time job? It's really time to cut the cord, mom.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I remember when we left my son in fl. For school when he just turned 19. I cried so hard when he shut his apartment door and we wrote into our car. I felt like we were abandoning him. He did fine.
The grandparents might run that risk with anyone. Her kids are old enough to take care of themselves.
That is up to them It's not up to her to decide it for them.
That is true. So she will not doubt give the grandparents ample notice and it can be their decision whether or not to keep renting to them.
You don't have to take care of adult children endlessly so someone else doesn't have to make a difficult decision. I honestly don't know why the LW needed advice here.
Whether she should leave her adult children depends on the "child." Sometimes tiny birds need a little nudge to fly from the nest. But not before they are ready. Her one child works full-time but does not make much. Is it enough to live on? If not, he needs to find a job he CAN live on and soon. She should let him know this, and provide a deadline. Does the student make enough to support herself while going to school? The LW indicated she would continue to provide some financial support. Will it be enough? Are they mature enough to handle independence? Yes, they should be. However, should is not always the same as could.
I think this is a discussion she should have with her children rather than Prudie.
I definitely think she needs to give them fair warning. Like you have 6 months to get a full time job.. some kids will never be ready unless they have to be. My sister is point and case.
