Helaine, I’ve been dating a guy exclusively for a couple of months, and it’s going really well. We’ve both said we see potential for a serious relationship. The only issue is he won’t tell me how much money he makes. I know everyone has different comfort levels around money, but I talk about my salary very openly, as do most of my friends. On a philosophical level, I’m in favor of pay transparency as a way for people (especially women) to know how much they’re worth and avoid being underpaid. (For what it’s worth, he and I work in the same field, but his position is more senior.) On a practical level, I would love to know how much he earns for the sake of fairness when it comes for paying for dates. We’ve taken turns paying for things, but he’s spent more on dates than I have, and I’d be more comfortable with that knowing for certain that he earns, say, one and a half times as much money as I do. And, frankly, I’m just curious. Is it just too soon for me to expect this kind of openness?
First, let’s level. It’s me, not the salary fairness police. I don’t believe you want to know what your beau earns because you feel squeamish about the check. More likely, it’s because you took a leap by sharing your salary, and he didn’t share back. You’re unhappy about that. Now you want to know if you’re right to feel that way, if you’re overreacting, or if this is a sign that something isn’t quite right.
You’re comfortable revealing your salary after a couple of months, but your boyfriend might not be.
Like you, I believe in salary transparency. But your boyfriend isn’t a colleague or a good friend. You’re comfortable revealing your salary after a couple of months, but he might not be. It sounds like the two of you have a decent, informal arrangement for the moment. That he pays more tells me he likely does earn more than you, and that he likes you well enough to spend some of that money on you. For now, that’s great!
That’s not to say this situation should go on endlessly. And where exactly that magic moment of salary disclosure should take place, I can’t precisely say. It depends on the relationship, how serious it is, and when it crosses from promising to long term. Then you’ll have a right to know his salary. I suspect this will come up naturally sometime in the next few months. If it hasn’t and you’re still dating at, say, six months, then you could raise the issue directly. At that point, I think you’re justified in saying something like, “I told you my salary, but you never told me yours. Why not?”
Please write back and let me know how it goes. I’m a yenta that way.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Yeah it's a little early for it to be any of her business. It's not like he's cheaping out on dates & she has a reason to be concerned that he will not carry his own weight if the relationship progresses.
I have several problems with this. First, it's too soon to be discussing salaries. She's oversharing. He's not. Good for him. Second, why is she paying for their dates? It seems the reason she wants to know how much he makes is so that she can "make sure" he's paying his pro rata share of the dates according to his salary. Where is the romance in that? My guess is she is wondering why she's even paying at all? Call me old fashioned, but if a man is interested in a woman he should be courting her, not splitting the bill.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I would wonder if he like someone said was being cheap. Then again I would not longer be dating him if he were cheap....I did my time with losers like that. Let him court her and pay.
My sweetie never lets me pay....I have to get the check on the sly if I want to pay.
I concur that is none of her beeswax at this point!
DH never let me pay. I think I offered to "help" the first two dates. Then dropped it and let him be a man.
So she's for equal rights. Good. She can open her own damned door and pay her own way.
I believe in equal rights in the work place. And in voting. But as far as relationships, each gender has their role. While it evens out, it's not equal in ALL areas. Stop emasculating men and she might actually find herself, oh, I don't know, happy and cared for.
I, too, am guessing she is for equal rights.
And therefore wants to know his salary so she can compute the dates down to kind of percentage for each of them to pay. Just a thought.
If I was seeing this woman, I think I might run away very quickly......
I still don't know how much DH makes. I have a general idea, but no specifics. He does the taxes.
When he first approached me about marriage, he told me he made good money so he could take good care of me. I told him I didn't care how much money he made, if he was mean I'm out. He's been the nicest guy I've ever met.
I still don't know how much DH makes. I have a general idea, but no specifics. He does the taxes.
When he first approached me about marriage, he told me he made good money so he could take good care of me. I told him I didn't care how much money he made, if he was mean I'm out. He's been the nicest guy I've ever met.
I have no idea what the groom to be has. I hear about multiple properties, stock, bonds, etc. But I never prod on. Listening to him I gather he is worth millions but that isn't my money. And I will pay for a dinner. I can tell he has pulled back from people over the issue so I just stay out of it.
I still don't know how much DH makes. I have a general idea, but no specifics. He does the taxes.
When he first approached me about marriage, he told me he made good money so he could take good care of me. I told him I didn't care how much money he made, if he was mean I'm out. He's been the nicest guy I've ever met.
You don't know? I think that it is important to know when you are planning to get married. Yes, if they get to the point of being engaged, then they should both be open books. How one handles finances is very important in the success of a marriage. And, you should know how your future spouse spends and saves and if they are carrying a lot credit card debts or student loans. It is important information. I would not be willing to marry someone who wasn't going to be All In and completely disclose everything about their finances.
He tells me, but it's an approximate because he gets bonuses, and they vary. I tell him if I'm spending too much to let me know. So far he hasn't said anything. We are both careful but like to splurge every now and again. We discuss big purchases, like the swimming pool, a car, or remodeling/landscaping beforehand.
