TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dear Abby - my husband spends time at ex's house with his children.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

OK - if you marry someone who has children with someone else, you have to realize they will HAVE TO see each other.

I see nothing unreasonable about this situation. The ex goes and runs errands, he is doing something that benefits his kids. In fact, it's probably the only real alone time he has with the kids w/o his former or current wife.

I agree with Prudie - he married an insecure woman. Now they need to talk about that, so she can overcome those feelings.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I don't think it is mid-week bonding time she is concerned about. I think she is jealous that he is spending time at Ex's home. She needs to get over it.

For the record the last guy I dated did the same thing. He worked near where his Ex lived. On Wednesday nights he went to her house after work to see his boys. Sometimes he took them out to eat or whatever but a lot of the time he just hung out with them there.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lexxy wrote:
I don't think it is mid-week bonding time she is concerned about. I think she is jealous that he is spending time at Ex's home. She needs to get over it.

For the record the last guy I dated did the same thing. He worked near where his Ex lived. On Wednesday nights he went to her house after work to see his boys. Sometimes he took them out to eat or whatever but a lot of the time he just hung out with them there.

I actually think it's GOOD. Gives the parents time to talk about any issues, concerns, just casually discuss their children. And I'm sure the parents getting along has helped the kids adjust better to the divorce.

huskerbb · Guru

I really don't think that bonding time with his kids is her motivation for raising a stink about this.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Why are the kids not sleeping at dad's house on these nights? When parents have visits during a school night it is usually an overnight visit.

Ohfour · Hooker

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Why are the kids not sleeping at dad's house on these nights? When parents have visits during a school night it is usually an overnight visit.

G didn't. He had them on Monday and Thursday nights, (and every other weekend), but they had to be at their mom's at a certain time. I think it was 8:30...

Tinydancer · Guru

It depends on the visitation agreement. They can be anything as long as they agree.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Why are the kids not sleeping at dad's house on these nights? When parents have visits during a school night it is usually an overnight visit.

My ex said he did have them overnight on Wednesday when they were little but once they were school age it was just too complicated in the morning for everyone so he just visited at their Mom's house for the evening.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Why are the kids not sleeping at dad's house on these nights? When parents have visits during a school night it is usually an overnight visit.

I don't know many where the kids sleep at the other parents on the school night. It's just more difficult for everyone.

FNW · Guru

Why is it again he needs to be the one to help them with their homework? I think the kids sound like they might be trying to get their parents back together.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

FNW wrote:
Why is it again he needs to be the one to help them with their homework? I think the kids sound like they might be trying to get their parents back together.

Huh? It doesn't say he's helping with their homework. It says they prefer to stay at home to do it b/c they have hours of homework and going to Dad's is disruptive during the week. So he goes there.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

FNW wrote:
Why is it again he needs to be the one to help them with their homework? I think the kids sound like they might be trying to get their parents back together.

It is his mid-weekly visit. There teacher isn't going to say oh no homework tonight since Dad is coming. I assume Mom handles the homework the remaining weeknights.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

These nights at his house, what's new wife doing to help?

If he is the only one doing anything, of course it'll take longer.

And why can't the kids do homework while dinner is cooking?

I see nothing wrong with things now really. But it seems something else could be done.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lexxy wrote:
FNW wrote:
Why is it again he needs to be the one to help them with their homework? I think the kids sound like they might be trying to get their parents back together.
It is his mid-weekly visit. There teacher isn't going to say oh no homework tonight since Dad is coming. I assume Mom handles the homework the remaining weeknights.

I have long thought that teachers should not give homework on Wednesdays. For many, it is church night, and for many others, this exact visitation issue. It's also mid-week, and would give kids either a night off, or a chance to catch up, if necessary.

I think one night off a week from homework wouldn't kill anyone.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

We have stand visitation and get SS one night a week. But he has to be returned at a certain time in the evening. We don't take him on the week night just for this reason. However, she doesn't follow the regular visitation either and we have liberal visitation with him.

This situation came up just the other day on my step parenting board. The mom, dad, and step mom were all out to eat with the daughter. The daughter decided she wanted to eat only pico de gallo with a spoon. Both the mom and the step mom corrected her. The dad said let her eat it if that's what she wants. The step mom was wanting to know if she was right or wrong for siding with the bio mom. THAT was the advice that she asked for. The advice given was this, don't go out to eat with the ex, your husband should not go out to eat with the ex, you're all confusing that poor girl by getting along. She'll think her parents are getting back together. Exes shouldn't socialize or be anywhere near each other.

So I really think society at large forces this issue on people. When I tell people that I get along with DH's ex, for the most part, they always issue me a warning. Watch your back. There's this weird notion out there that these situations can't work. Maybe the new wife is wondering about this.

It says he RECENTLY remarried. I know at the beginning of my marriage I would not have liked him spending time in her house alone without me. Now it wouldn't bother me. Also, she could just be wanting to spend time with him. He needs to find out just exactly why she is insecure. If he loves her and wants the marriage to work he also has to figure out this part of it as well as his role in his kids lives. New marriages with kids involved are a different beast and require extra work. He can't just discount her feelings because he thinks they're stupid. Even if they are. If they are recently married she may be feeling like she's trying to find her footing and her way in this new marriage. Being a step parent is the hardest job. You are required to do all the work a regular parent does but get none of the credit. She may be wanting to establish a relationship with these kids and feels like this is hindering that. Is that realistic? Maybe, most likely not. But it needs to be talked about. Plus, if he told her, "Hey my kids don't want to be here during the week..." it's easy for some to hear, "My kids don't want to be around you."

Maybe she could stop in during that time. Bring a casserole she's made or something she picked up. Depending on how the ex feels maybe she could eat with them. If not she could just pop in and say hi, here's dinner.

They do need to work this out and fast.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
FNW wrote:
Why is it again he needs to be the one to help them with their homework? I think the kids sound like they might be trying to get their parents back together.
It is his mid-weekly visit. There teacher isn't going to say oh no homework tonight since Dad is coming. I assume Mom handles the homework the remaining weeknights.
I have long thought that teachers should not give homework on Wednesdays. For many, it is church night, and for many others, this exact visitation issue. It's also mid-week, and would give kids either a night off, or a chance to catch up, if necessary.
I think one night off a week from homework wouldn't kill anyone.

My kids never had homework on Wednesday nights. It's still a thing here...

FNW · Guru

I agree with NJN.

WYSIWYG · Guru

This man's wife needs a reality check. She also needs to work on her insecurities. He's not over there to boink the ex, he's there to be with his kids and he does it there instead of his house to make it easier on them because of their homework load.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

WYSIWYG wrote:
This man's wife needs a reality check. She also needs to work on her insecurities. He's not over there to boink the ex, he's there to be with his kids and he does it there instead of his house to make it easier on them because of their homework load.

Wow, really judgmental. Unless you've been the new wife then you have no clue.

WYSIWYG · Guru

I don't see my previous post as overly judgmental, based on the available facts, as reprinted in the OP.

You may, however, see my answer differently, and that's fine.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Yes I do. Blended families are different. It's always a tight rope walk. You may see her as an insecure biotch but the husband better damn well find out why she is feeling insecure or he's going to have divorce number two on his hands.

Yes, he needs to be with his kids when they need him but he also has a responsibility to his marriage. They have just RECENTLY married. It appears shortly after they got married HIS behavior changed and he wanted to go to the exes to spend time with the kids. While that may be perfectly reasonable he needs to help her understand why. She is probably looking to find her footing in the new marriage. Just saying she needs a reality check is not the answer.

FNW · Guru

Once again, I agree with NJN. It's his job to make his wife feel secure.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dealing with an ex is part and parcel of marrying a man with children from a prior relationship. She knew that going in. I do not see where he has done anything wrong, so I think it is her job to support his relationship with his kids in the best way possible that makes sense.

FNW · Guru

Would you feel that way if he went on a vacation with the ex-wife, you know, to make it a family vacay?

He can still be a devoted father, but there are boundaries.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I just don't think he's understanding her POV no matter how trivial it may seem to some. I've been living this exact life for seven years so I have some insight to how it works. According to the letter he was bringing the kids to his house and then he RECENTLY got married and now the kids want to stay at their house and he complied. While I have no problem with the change in the arrangements you also have to look at it from her side of view. They just recently got married and now he wants to spend one night a week at his ex wife's house with his kids. This is a new change very early on in their marriage. He changed the status quo. Did he even talk to her about it? It DOES involve her too. She's probably struggling to find her "place" in the family unit. Every couple has different boundaries and rules that work for them. (Some never learn to get along.) The point is that now she is also a part of this family and it seems as if she wants to be more of a part of it. He has two choices here. He can tell her to grow up and ignore her which will most likely just fuel the insecurities and make her more resentful or he can talk to her and find a way to work with her. Maybe she simply feels left out. Maybe he's exhausted on the night he comes home from being with the kids and checks out emotionally and she's a new bride waiting to share her day with him. Yeah, maybe not. No one knows why she's insecure. Not even him because he hasn't taken the time to find out. And therein lies the problem. Not him spending time with the kids but finding out from her why it bothers her. He'd better talk this out with her or he'll be getting divorce number two. These issues don't just resolve themselves. And they are less likely to resolve themselves if it is ignored.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

FNW wrote:
Would you feel that way if he went on a vacation with the ex-wife, you know, to make it a family vacay?

He can still be a devoted father, but there are boundaries.

That is a flat out stupid comparison. This is a couple of hours at her house with children present. Of course there are boundaries. But babysitting the kids in his ex's house while she runs errands to make it easier on the kids during the week isn't one of them. And if THAT makes his wife insecure, maybe she shouldn't have married a man with an ex-wife.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

My question is, if he can make dinner and start homework and spend time with them at the ex's, why not at his house?

It's just strange.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

lilyofcourse wrote:
My question is, if he can make dinner and start homework and spend time with them at the ex's, why not at his house?

It's just strange.

Because he has to have them home at a certain time and the travel time interferes with Homework time which means they get to bed later. I totally get it. I just don't get why he just doesn't keep them overnight at his house and bring them to school in the morning.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lawyerlady wrote:
FNW wrote:
Would you feel that way if he went on a vacation with the ex-wife, you know, to make it a family vacay?

He can still be a devoted father, but there are boundaries.
That is a flat out stupid comparison. This is a couple of hours at her house with children present. Of course there are boundaries. But babysitting the kids in his ex's house while she runs errands to make it easier on the kids during the week isn't one of them. And if THAT makes his wife insecure, maybe she shouldn't have married a man with an ex-wife.

Father's do not babysit, they merely be a parent and do their duty as a parent.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
My question is, if he can make dinner and start homework and spend time with them at the ex's, why not at his house?

It's just strange.
Because he has to have them home at a certain time and the travel time interferes with Homework time which means they get to bed later. I totally get it. I just don't get why he just doesn't keep them overnight at his house and bring them to school in the morning.

Ok. I guess.

But yeah, why can't they stay overnight?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

So they get married and right after they get married he changes all the rules without even discussing it with her. Just makes the decision and does it. Yeah, I can see where this is all her insecurities. Nope, communication doesn't seem to be a problem at all.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
FNW wrote:
Would you feel that way if he went on a vacation with the ex-wife, you know, to make it a family vacay?

He can still be a devoted father, but there are boundaries.
That is a flat out stupid comparison. This is a couple of hours at her house with children present. Of course there are boundaries. But babysitting the kids in his ex's house while she runs errands to make it easier on the kids during the week isn't one of them. And if THAT makes his wife insecure, maybe she shouldn't have married a man with an ex-wife.

Exactly. Dumb comparison. He's NOT going on vacation with her. That is an ENTIRELY different proposition. He's not even spending a lot of time over there. It's ONE night a week for a few hours, at most. Even if he gets there at 4 (if they are home from school by then and don't have after-school activities, and if his work schedule allows him to be there that early)--they would have to undoubtedly be in bed by 10 or before, so we are talking 6 HOURS at most. Then there are days that they don't have school and it's not an issue.

She needs to drop it.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So they get married and right after they get married he changes all the rules without even discussing it with her. Just makes the decision and does it. Yeah, I can see where this is all her insecurities. Nope, communication doesn't seem to be a problem at all.

Where do you even get that? There is NOTHING in the letter to suggest this arrangement wasn't the norm before the marriage.

Your pre-conceived notions are clouding your objectivity.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 13th of February 2016 05:28:59 PM

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

It says he RECENTLY married and that his kids want to do their homework at their mom's. That's in the letter.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
It says he RECENTLY married and that his kids want to do their homework at their mom's. That's in the letter.

But it does NOT say the homework thing wasn't happening before the marriage. That is NOT stated in the letter.

I think from the wording that the arrangement with the kids and the ex has been going on longer than the marriage--although it doesn't specifically say that, either.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

It doesn't specifically say the second part. The way I read it the arrangements changed after they got married. But it does not say either way. Still, they have RECENTLY gotten married.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
It doesn't specifically say the second part. The way I read it the arrangements changed after they got married. But it does not say either way. Still, they have RECENTLY gotten married.

No, it doesn't specifically say EITHER WAY--but, the fact that he describes his marriage as recent-but does not describe the homework arrangement that way would be indicative that the arrangement between he and the ex has been going on longer than the marriage.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
FNW wrote:
Would you feel that way if he went on a vacation with the ex-wife, you know, to make it a family vacay?

He can still be a devoted father, but there are boundaries.
That is a flat out stupid comparison. This is a couple of hours at her house with children present. Of course there are boundaries. But babysitting the kids in his ex's house while she runs errands to make it easier on the kids during the week isn't one of them. And if THAT makes his wife insecure, maybe she shouldn't have married a man with an ex-wife.
Father's do not babysit, they merely be a parent and do their duty as a parent.

They kind of do in when they don't have custody and are only doing visitation. You know that.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
My question is, if he can make dinner and start homework and spend time with them at the ex's, why not at his house?

It's just strange.
Because he has to have them home at a certain time and the travel time interferes with Homework time which means they get to bed later. I totally get it. I just don't get why he just doesn't keep them overnight at his house and bring them to school in the morning.
Ok. I guess.
But yeah, why can't they stay overnight?

If travel time is part of the issue - that's probably an issue in the morning, too.

FNW · Guru

I think he needs to budget his time on that one weeknight better. The kids say by the time he picks them up and makes dinner.....okay, have something ready and waiting for them to eat when they get home. Invest in a crockpot. Maybe new-wife can have dinner ready, to make it easier for everyone. Maybe father is not picking them up timely. Step it up, and pick them up when he's supposed to. Talk to them in the car about their homework. Find out how much they have and get organized so that when they hit his door, they know exactly what they need to do. Get home, wash up, eat dinner, and do homework. It's not rocket science, but it does take a little discipline and organization.

Sure, it might be easier on him to just flop at his ex's house, and the kids love it because he's there and it's reminiscent of when they were a family all living in the same house. But he is the parent and he has a new wife, so it doesn't look like mommy & daddy are getting back together any time soon.

Ugh. This is why I never dated someone with children. And I hope I never find myself in this kind of predicament.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

FNW wrote:
I think he needs to budget his time on that one weeknight better. The kids say by the time he picks them up and makes dinner.....okay, have something ready and waiting for them to eat when they get home. Invest in a crockpot. Maybe new-wife can have dinner ready, to make it easier for everyone. Maybe father is not picking them up timely. Step it up, and pick them up when he's supposed to. Talk to them in the car about their homework. Find out how much they have and get organized so that when they hit his door, they know exactly what they need to do. Get home, wash up, eat dinner, and do homework. It's not rocket science, but it does take a little discipline and organization.

Sure, it might be easier on him to just flop at his ex's house, and the kids love it because he's there and it's reminiscent of when they were a family all living in the same house. But he is the parent and he has a new wife, so it doesn't look like mommy & daddy are getting back together any time soon.

Ugh. This is why I never dated someone with children. And I hope I never find myself in this kind of predicament.

Those are really good points.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think he needs to budget his time on that one weeknight better. The kids say by the time he picks them up and makes dinner.....okay, have something ready and waiting for them to eat when they get home. Invest in a crockpot. Maybe new-wife can have dinner ready, to make it easier for everyone. Maybe father is not picking them up timely. Step it up, and pick them up when he's supposed to. Talk to them in the car about their homework. Find out how much they have and get organized so that when they hit his door, they know exactly what they need to do. Get home, wash up, eat dinner, and do homework. It's not rocket science, but it does take a little discipline and organization.

Sure, it might be easier on him to just flop at his ex's house, and the kids love it because he's there and it's reminiscent of when they were a family all living in the same house. But he is the parent and he has a new wife, so it doesn't look like mommy & daddy are getting back together any time soon.

Ugh. This is why I never dated someone with children. And I hope I never find myself in this kind of predicament.
Those are really good points.

I agree. Something needs to change. Blended families are just a different beast altogether. I wouldn't trade mine for the world but it ha challenges. Ups and downs. Heartache and tears. I read this letter to my DH and the first words out of his mouth were The husband needs to wake up. Something is wrong and he needs to address it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

FNW wrote:
I think he needs to budget his time on that one weeknight better. The kids say by the time he picks them up and makes dinner.....okay, have something ready and waiting for them to eat when they get home. Invest in a crockpot. Maybe new-wife can have dinner ready, to make it easier for everyone. Maybe father is not picking them up timely. Step it up, and pick them up when he's supposed to. Talk to them in the car about their homework. Find out how much they have and get organized so that when they hit his door, they know exactly what they need to do. Get home, wash up, eat dinner, and do homework. It's not rocket science, but it does take a little discipline and organization.

Sure, it might be easier on him to just flop at his ex's house, and the kids love it because he's there and it's reminiscent of when they were a family all living in the same house. But he is the parent and he has a new wife, so it doesn't look like mommy & daddy are getting back together any time soon.

Ugh. This is why I never dated someone with children. And I hope I never find myself in this kind of predicament.

What kind of jobs do some of you have? Let's say he gets off promptly at 5:00. Take into consideration a standard 30 minute commute to get to the ex's place, get the kids, get to his house. Then, if his wife works, they are getting home at the same time, and need to make dinner. MAYBE it's ready by 6:30, probably closer to 7. Meanwhile, the kids are getting some homework done. They eat, and do more homework until about 8:30 when it is time to head back home. We're talking 2 - 2.5 hours at his house, with an hour or so running around.

It's a waste of a lot of time, especially when the ex often uses the time to go out. He has more time with his kids, and it's not so hectic if he just goes there.

huskerbb · Guru

FNW wrote:
I think he needs to budget his time on that one weeknight better. The kids say by the time he picks them up and makes dinner.....okay, have something ready and waiting for them to eat when they get home. Invest in a crockpot. Maybe new-wife can have dinner ready, to make it easier for everyone. Maybe father is not picking them up timely. Step it up, and pick them up when he's supposed to. Talk to them in the car about their homework. Find out how much they have and get organized so that when they hit his door, they know exactly what they need to do. Get home, wash up, eat dinner, and do homework. It's not rocket science, but it does take a little discipline and organization.

Sure, it might be easier on him to just flop at his ex's house, and the kids love it because he's there and it's reminiscent of when they were a family all living in the same house. But he is the parent and he has a new wife, so it doesn't look like mommy & daddy are getting back together any time soon.

Ugh. This is why I never dated someone with children. And I hope I never find myself in this kind of predicament.

"Budget" 5 hours or so better? Ridiculous.

This IS the "budget". Saves travel time, for sure.

FNW · Guru

I suspect the weekday visitation was arranged around their schedules so that everything would be "doable." Budgeting time better is each's responsibility. And it was the children's idea to bring dad over to mom's house.

huskerbb · Guru

FNW wrote:
I suspect the weekday visitation was arranged around their schedules so that everything would be "doable." Budgeting time better is each's responsibility. And it was the children's idea to bring dad over to mom's house.

Everything is "doable". The wife is just being a baby about it.