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ed11563


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Parents Still Worry About Kids Even After They've Grown Up
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Parents Still Worry About Kids Even After They've Grown Up

By Abigail Van Buren 10 hours ago Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: At least "Renee in Oregon" (Sept. 10), who asked her adult daughters for their friends' phone numbers, cares enough to want someone to call if her adult children don't respond. I didn't regard her request as nosy or overbearing, simply so she'd have a "just in case" number. Renee's daughters sound like ungrateful brats who don't care anything about worrying their parents.

I'm thankful my four adult children will text me in response to my call to let me know they are OK. I have never had a problem getting a contact number from them for a neighbor or friend. Two of them offered the information without my asking.

I have only had to call a contact once. Thank goodness it was only a matter of a stolen phone, not a sick or injured child. I'm blessed my kids understand that it's not to get in their business, but a logical safety issue. -- LUCKY DAD IN KENTUCKY

DEAR LUCKY DAD: I'm glad for you. The response from readers about Renee's letter was varied, and it was informative to read their perspectives:

DEAR ABBY: Thanks for your answer to Renee. It validated my whole life as a daughter of a domineering mother.

She is 92. I'm 62 and live 40 miles from her. I have a full-time job, take care of a small farm and still, after my weekly visit, have to call her to let her know I got home OK.

She also asks for my friends' phone numbers. I give her inaccurate ones so she can't pester them. My office knows to not put her calls through. I have asked her to call my cell, leave a message and I'll call her back when I am on break.

When I was younger, if she couldn't reach me by phone, she would call the police and the ERs, send my poor father to my house to look for me, or call my veterinarian to have him make a farm call -- just to be sure I hadn't been ax-murdered.

The negative effect this has had on our relationship is profound. I have tried repeatedly to explain it to her, but she has never "gotten it," so I have created barriers in order to maintain boundaries. She has a number she can call for her in-home care providers, so if her need is real, she can get help -- and there's always 911. I refuse to exist just for her to engulf. -- PURPOSELY CHILDLESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes parents do need a contact person for emergencies. At what point should a person have to contact the police?

Years ago, parents here in Northern California didn't hear from their adult son for a week or two. They thought he was with his live-in girlfriend. She thought he had gone to see them. Sadly, his body was found stuffed in an irrigation pipe weeks later. He had been robbed and murdered.

Hopefully, Renee's three daughters are close enough to have regular contact with each other and can call their parents on a regular timetable to check in and assure them all is well. -- CALIFORNIA MOM

DEAR ABBY: Telling Renee she was the reason her daughters moved so far away and don't answer her calls was unnecessarily hurtful. You have no idea why her daughters are so distant.

A better option would have been to suggest she approach her kids because she is concerned as their mother and they live so far from her. Rather than a list of their friends, she should ask each of them if there's someone close to them she might use as an emergency contact. -- ANGIE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters. If I asked them for this information, they wouldn't hesitate to hand it over. I think that's because my approach with my girls has always been, the more I stay out of their lives, the more they tell me. I empathize with Renee and sincerely hope she learns to back off. -- NO PROBLEMS HERE



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I can remember one time, when i was 30, my mom called me to unplug the microwave because it was strorming. I was like, "mom, I am 30, i got this". lol

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lilyofcourse


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That's what parents do.

Because no matter how old we get, they have more life experiences and wisdom than we do.

I still tell my kids to take a jacket.

My mom still tells me to take a jacket.

When you love someone, you take care of them.

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I never unplugged anything during a storm. Are we supposed to?

My mom & I still text or PM each other to let each other know we reached our destination. She gives my phone number to her friends and neighbors, JIC something happens to my parents and the neighbors can reach me. Before they moved back here, I gave my parents' number to my friends, JIC. It's what mature people who care do.



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lilyofcourse


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We will unplug the computer sometimes if there is a lot of lightening. But with the surge protectors, I don't if it is necessary.

We also unplug everything when we go out of town for more than a couple days.

Once, we came back and the computer had "updated" and was fried.

You could smell it, it was so hot.

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Scary! We do use a lot of surge protectors, but not on things like kitchen appliances or lamps. My laptop is not on a surge protector either.

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chef


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My family and I let each other know when we make it home if it's real late or the weather is bad. It's just something we do. We also let each other if we're going to be out of town. I've never thought anything of it.

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TrudyML


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The Queen Mother called last night complaining I hadn't checked in. Umm, call me. Ugh!

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I always check in with my Mom. My brother often stops by to check in on her. It's what family does.

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huskerbb


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I remember that letter. It wasn't just a mother who wanted to get in touch once in a while. It was a mother who DEMANDED that her daughter answer the phone RIGHT NOW--and if she hadn't, she would have immediately called all the "emergency" contact numbers she had and bothered all of that poor woman's friends.



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flan327


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Well, there is a huge difference between worrying about your adult child and nagging about petty things.

flan

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I call mom once a week.

DS is lucky to hear from us some weeks...

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huskerbb


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flan327 wrote:

Well, there is a huge difference between worrying about your adult child and nagging about petty things.

flan

 But ALL parents think their worries are legitimate--even if they aren't.  This woman worried EVERY DAMN DAY over NOTHING.  The fact that her daughter wouldn't answer the phone at WORK--likely because she couldn't--meant in mom's mind that she was in danger.

It's best not to feed into such ridiculous paranoia. 



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Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
flan327


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huskerbb wrote:
flan327 wrote:

Well, there is a huge difference between worrying about your adult child and nagging about petty things.

flan

 But ALL parents think their worries are legitimate--even if they aren't.  This woman worried EVERY DAMN DAY over NOTHING.  The fact that her daughter wouldn't answer the phone at WORK--likely because she couldn't--meant in mom's mind that she was in danger.

It's best not to feed into such ridiculous paranoia. 

 I'm not reminding my grown son to put on a coat, as was suggested upthread.

flan



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My parents would ask for phone numbers of friends. They even managed to get a hold of a couple even though I never gave it to them. Dad had a boundary issue....
I can totally understand saying no!

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FNW wrote:

Scary! We do use a lot of surge protectors, but not on things like kitchen appliances or lamps. My laptop is not on a surge protector either.

 Install a whole house surge protector on your electrical box.



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Parents will always worry about their kids, no matter how old the kids get, until the parent gets too old to take care of themselves and then they worry their kids won't want them anymore.

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ed11563


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
FNW wrote:

Scary! We do use a lot of surge protectors, but not on things like kitchen appliances or lamps. My laptop is not on a surge protector either.

 Install a whole house surge protector on your electrical box.

We had a lot of electrical work done shortly after we moved in, the electrician added a surge protector at our electric meter. 

I don't use surge protectors per se, they're part of the Uninterruptible Power Supplies. Quick count ....

16 . Lamps in the living room and basement are plugged into their own UPS's .

All the computers, the TVs and cable boxes and related recorders, phone modem and internet modems

 

what else, what else ...



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