TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Harriette: I Don't Want to Tell People I am the Mistress

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Um, is this really that difficult? How about, "we saw each other across the room, our eyes met, and the rest is history". Duh.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

It was terrible of her friend that did not know about the scandal to not think her friend had an affair with a married man and wonder how she met her husband. Awful, I say.

She doesn't want to talk about it because she knows it was wrong - she shouldn't be trying to make this about her "invasive" friend.

It would be like admiring a beautiful painting in someone's home, asking where they bought it, and being seen as rude because the person actually stole it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

But Gaga is right. They had to meet somewhere. Why is it so hard to say "We met at the bookstore" or the bar, or a conference......

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

This is the "classic". Oh, they should have KNOWN better than to ask me that insensitive question, blah, blah. You are magically supposed to have some foreknowledge that a certain issue is sensitive for someone else, when really it is just an innocent question of typical conversation.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

She just needs to wear a scarlet "A" for the rest of her life. It can be small & tasteful, maybe something with rubies.

Her friend was "grilling" her? And they have been married for 12 years?

It's never going to be "behind" her. If she can't talk about it, it's her issue.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I agree with flan. It's been 12 years and she can't deal? This one's on her. The friend wasn't doing anything wrong. And she wasn't asking about sexual status. It's as simple as "We met at work." "We met through friends." or something similar.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I hope the problem isn't that it was a friend's husband.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well, if it was with the friend's husband then I would assume she would know how they met!

Tinydancer · Guru

I think she meant A friends husband not THE friends husband.

FNW · Guru

I suspect her husband belonged to her previous friend (not the one asking the question, obviously). At any rate, a simple, "We met through a mutual friend" would be an easy answer.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

FNW wrote:
I suspect her husband belonged to her previous friend (not the one asking the question, obviously). At any rate, a simple, "We met through a mutual friend" would be an easy answer.

Of course, if I was her friend, and she told me that, and then I found out the truth, I wouldn't be her friend much longer.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

She doesn't need to include the scandalous part. They obviously met before they started the affair so that is where they met. Why do people make every situation so difficult?

FNW · Guru

I have a friend who met her late husband at her doctor's office. He was her doctor. They were both married to other people at the time. They ran off to Tahiti. When I met her, she had been married to her doctor husband for 18 years. I didn't judge her for that.

huskerbb · Guru

My best friend got together with his current wife while he was still married to the first one.

He knows my feelings on it, but at the end of the day, his friendship is more important to me than dying on that hill, and she's a nice person to me, so it's not something we dwell on.

I wasn't friends with his ex, so that factored in, too.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I think, and this is just my opinion, how the affair is thought of or presented makes a big difference.

Someone who seems proud of it, shows no signs of shame or remorse for being a cheater will never be a friend to me.

But if they are "hey, I know how it happened was wrong" then I can deal with that better.

Of course I have a deep seeded contempt for cheaters.

huskerbb · Guru

I guess to me it's like anything else. Do the other qualities of that person make up for their shortcomings?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
I guess to me it's like anything else. Do the other qualities of that person make up for their shortcomings?

Good point.

flan

FNW · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I think, and this is just my opinion, how the affair is thought of or presented makes a big difference.

Someone who seems proud of it, shows no signs of shame or remorse for being a cheater will never be a friend to me.

But if they are "hey, I know how it happened was wrong" then I can deal with that better.

Of course I have a deep seeded contempt for cheaters.

Right. My friend was so torn. She felt so guilty, but couldn't her her feelings. They fell in love over the phone.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Why can't she say "we met at work" or whatever and move the conversation along? How difficult is that?! Sheesh. Can people honestly not survive a single uncomfortable moment anymore?! It's not a micro aggression to ask how you met your spouse. Get over yourself!

WYSIWYG · Guru

My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

My guess is that LW was being all weird and evasive and friend got weirded out and kept asking questions. NOT friends fault, LW. Try not lying.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Just tell her you met at a key party.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

What's a key party?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Key party.

Pepole come in, all of one sex drops their keys in a bowl. During the evening the opposite sex take turns drawing out keys and going home with the owner of those keys.

It's part of swinging.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Alrighty then! Learned something new!

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Alrighty then! Learned something new!

Me too!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

It's been around forever. It's been the subject of a few crime shows. CSI was one.

chef · Guru

WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.

Amen!

Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!

I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.

I did. My DH cheated on his first wife. Not with me but with SS's mom. He was actively drinking at the time. When he gave up the drinking he got his life in order. He will tell you he doesn't regret what he did because he has a son who is the light of his life. He will also tell you he tried to make amends (part of AA) and realizes how wrong it was.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.

Yes, because, as much as people would like to believe the cliche, all cheaters are NOT the same.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.

I agree. How can you trust someone like that?

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

And while some do change.

More often than not, they just get better in hiding it.

Tinydancer · Guru

If you're a cheater of course you're not going admit that cheaters are more likely to cheat. It doesn't make you look good.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Let's not make extreme exaggerations. SOME people do change. And a lot depends on the circumstances.

When I was single I met many men who had been separated for a long time and the divorce was being drug out in court. I wouldn't date them but technically that IS cheating.

Tinydancer · Guru

What extreme exaggeration? It's a fact that people who cheat in their first marriage are more likely to cheat in their second marriage. I'm sorry that doesn't fit into your vision of cheaters but it's true none the less.

chef · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.
I did. My DH cheated on his first wife. Not with me but with SS's mom. He was actively drinking at the time. When he gave up the drinking he got his life in order. He will tell you he doesn't regret what he did because he has a son who is the light of his life. He will also tell you he tried to make amends (part of AA) and realizes how wrong it was.

I think if he wasn't drinking, he wouldn't have cheated.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Let's not make extreme exaggerations. SOME people do change. And a lot depends on the circumstances.

When I was single I met many men who had been separated for a long time and the divorce was being drug out in court. I wouldn't date them but technically that IS cheating.

Are you new here?

Every cheater is exactly the same...makes it easier on the peanut gallery.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

No one said that but carry on with your whitewashing of what they did.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
No one said that but carry on with your whitewashing of what they did.

They certainly did.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

Quote it then.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
Quote it then.

Because you can't actually read this thread?

I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

She didn't say ALL. You just have to justify don't you?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
She didn't say ALL. You just have to justify don't you?

Nope, most certainly not to YOU.

flan

chef · Guru

flan327 wrote:
chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.
Yes, because, as much as people would like to believe the cliche, all cheaters are NOT the same.
flan

Your point?

There's no cliche. If someone so glibly disregards their vows, they're not going to magically change. Remember, they once pledged undying loyalty to someone else too. They probably even told her/him that they would never cheat on her/him. Also, intent means a lot. Intentionally cheating on someone is disgusting. Intentionally being with someone you know is married or taken is worse. I can understand alcohol or drugs getting in the way of good judgement. I can understand making a bad judgement call once. I cannot understand willfully and continually stepping out on the one you claim you love. Break up with them/divorce them and let them move on rather than continuing to think their spouse/SO is truly theirs.

And y'know what? I've been cheated on. Three times. It HURTS. In one case, the other woman was someone I considered a friend. I now know she was a worthless waste of oxygen disguised as human. And yes, that's harsh. I don't care. I can give a pass to mistresses/male-stresses (I don't know what the male equivalent would be) who truly don't know that their sex buddy is taken. I cannot and will not give a pass to those who do know and do it anyway.

This is a subject near and dear to me, Flan. You will not change my opinion on this. You will never get me to approve of cheating. I've seen and experienced so much hurt caused by infidelity that I will speak out on it. Likewise, I know there is nothing I can say that will get you to change your opinion on cheating.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chef wrote:
flan327 wrote:
chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.
Yes, because, as much as people would like to believe the cliche, all cheaters are NOT the same.
flan
Your point?
There's no cliche. If someone so glibly disregards their vows, they're not going to magically change. Remember, they once pledged undying loyalty to someone else too. They probably even told her/him that they would never cheat on her/him. Also, intent means a lot. Intentionally cheating on someone is disgusting. Intentionally being with someone you know is married or taken is worse. I can understand alcohol or drugs getting in the way of good judgement. I can understand making a bad judgement call once. I cannot understand willfully and continually stepping out on the one you claim you love. Break up with them/divorce them and let them move on rather than continuing to think their spouse/SO is truly theirs.
And y'know what? I've been cheated on. Three times. It HURTS. In one case, the other woman was someone I considered a friend. I now know she was a worthless waste of oxygen disguised as human. And yes, that's harsh. I don't care. I can give a pass to mistresses/male-stresses (I don't know what the male equivalent would be) who truly don't know that their sex buddy is taken. I cannot and will not give a pass to those who do know and do it anyway.
This is a subject near and dear to me, Flan. You will not change my opinion on this. You will never get me to approve of cheating. I've seen and experienced so much hurt caused by infidelity that I will speak out on it. Likewise, I know there is nothing I can say that will get you to change your opinion on cheating.

I agree completely, chef. If wedding vows meant so little to them the first time, how could anyone trust they mean them the second or third time they say them?

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
She didn't say ALL. You just have to justify don't you?
Nope, most certainly not to YOU.
flan

No....lol. Not to me but to the whole world. I've heard the excuse and it's not really much of one.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Tinydancer wrote:
No one said that but carry on with your whitewashing of what they did.

I'm really not sure who you think I'm whitewashing. If it's the OP I don't know enough about the situation to even judge. Not my place. So there's no whitewashing going on there. If you're talking about flan I've made it ABUNDANTLY clear to flan how I feel about cheating. Both in public and in private. Just because I don't feel the need to publicly chastise her every single time a thread comes up about cheating doesn't mean I haven't made my opinion known.

Now, if everyone can carry on I have work to do. I'm busy needle pointing a Scarlet A.

Tinydancer · Guru

I was talking to flan but I know you like to make it all about you so...

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
chef wrote:
flan327 wrote:
chef wrote:
WYSIWYG wrote:
My answer would have been: Maybe if you don't want to tell people you were the Mistress, you shouldn't have been the Mistress.

But I do agree with the premise of Lady Gaga Snerd's first post. Keep it simple. Be honest but just don't volunteer any information they don't really need to know.
Amen!
Keep your paws off other people's spouses, people!
I don't understand why anyone would marry someone they know is a cheater. If he/she cheated on their spouse/SO, do you really think they're going to be faithful to you? They've already proven that vows and fidelity mean zilch to them.
Yes, because, as much as people would like to believe the cliche, all cheaters are NOT the same.
flan
Your point?
There's no cliche. If someone so glibly disregards their vows, they're not going to magically change. Remember, they once pledged undying loyalty to someone else too. They probably even told her/him that they would never cheat on her/him. Also, intent means a lot. Intentionally cheating on someone is disgusting. Intentionally being with someone you know is married or taken is worse. I can understand alcohol or drugs getting in the way of good judgement. I can understand making a bad judgement call once. I cannot understand willfully and continually stepping out on the one you claim you love. Break up with them/divorce them and let them move on rather than continuing to think their spouse/SO is truly theirs.
And y'know what? I've been cheated on. Three times. It HURTS. In one case, the other woman was someone I considered a friend. I now know she was a worthless waste of oxygen disguised as human. And yes, that's harsh. I don't care. I can give a pass to mistresses/male-stresses (I don't know what the male equivalent would be) who truly don't know that their sex buddy is taken. I cannot and will not give a pass to those who do know and do it anyway.
This is a subject near and dear to me, Flan. You will not change my opinion on this. You will never get me to approve of cheating. I've seen and experienced so much hurt caused by infidelity that I will speak out on it. Likewise, I know there is nothing I can say that will get you to change your opinion on cheating.
I agree completely, chef. If wedding vows meant so little to them the first time, how could anyone trust they mean them the second or third time they say them?

Well, considering I fall into this category I consider circumstances hope people learn from their mistakes. However, if you want to say that once a cheater always a cheater that's well and good. Now let's get to the people who never cheated before and will cheat when they get married. Life holds no guarantees.

chef · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Let's not make extreme exaggerations. SOME people do change. And a lot depends on the circumstances.

When I was single I met many men who had been separated for a long time and the divorce was being drug out in court. I wouldn't date them but technically that IS cheating.

I came across that a lot when I was single. I wouldn't date them either. I figured if I was worth the wait, they'd contact me when the divorce was final.

I also came across a disturbing number of guys who were attached and never said so. I got yelled at twice by different SOs for their "man" having my number in their phone. Yes, well, talk to him cuz he's cheating on you. I gave those two guys a blistering talking-to and immediately blocked their numbers.