Q. God. A problem?: So, I was raised in a highly religious home. I married when I was young and we were both deeply devout at the time of our wedding. We have young kids and have attended our church for a long time. We live in a small community where the religion is the communal culture and it influences everything that goes on. However, I’ve reached personal conclusions about the religion that are fundamentally at odds with the religious culture and doctrines. I’ve not told anyone about my current thinking, not even my spouse. I worry that doing so, along with leaving the religion, will result in the loss of my family, friends, and business associates, and turn everything inside out. How should I approach this major life issue?
A: That all depends on when you feel ready to begin turning things inside out. You’re right in that this will change things, likely permanently, although I hope your friends and family will be able to listen to your thoughts without dismissing or rejecting you. It will be a challenge, particularly with your spouse, to let him in on a process that’s already led you out of your shared religion, since he may not have seen it coming.
Ask yourself what you are and aren’t willing to do. While you personally no longer believe in your former religion, are you comfortable staying in an environment where most people are? Would you rather live elsewhere? Will it bother you if friends and colleagues continue to assume you’re religious? Would you be able to share your beliefs with your children, or would your husband try to insist you keep it a secret from them? Know what it is that you need before you have the conversation. That’s not to say that compromise and mutual understanding isn’t possible, just that you need to know your own limits before raising the topic. Don’t worry about the outcome: You can neither predict nor control how your friends and family will react to your beliefs. All you can do is be honest about what you think. Start with your husband; be honest, be gentle, answer questions, but don’t apologize for anything, because you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know what the future looks like for you, but I can promise you whatever happens as a result of your honesty will be better than years of feigned religious enthusiasm to please everyone around you.
__________________
The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
When I was in Temple High School, our senior rabbi told us (class of about 15) that many times in his life, HE had questioned is faith, questioned whether God exists.
He told us that's not unusual, that it's okay to question anything and everything.
I think this writer should give herself permission to use her church (is it a church? I hope it's not a mosque, because the rules are different), as a social place.
I think she might find that a lot of other people have the same thoughts she has, the same lack of belief, or have had in the past.
But I certainly understand that telling people what she's thinking could be very risky.
__________________
The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Your Faith doesn't grow on its own. Yes. Questioning is good.
I have found that the more I put in to my Faith, the more I get out.
We each are given a portion of Faith from the beginning. Small as a mustard seed.
As with any seed, we have to plant it, water it, feed it, care for it and protect it.
And it grows when we stand on Faith when it seems there is nothing there.
I think the OP needs to get into the word. Go back and do the first works over. Recommit to her Faith.
God will meet us anywhere. We just have to call out to Him.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Either way, there is a lot at stake here. Imagine you are the spouse. For your entire married life, you believed that your partner shared your faith. You raised your children in that faith to this point.
It's pretty important to get this stuff ironed out before marriage. Sure, people can change their minds--but again, that comes with risks. Marriages have ended for far less.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
That's a strange way to start that letter. "God" is not the problem. Lack of faith and how friends and family will treat the letter writer is the issue. Why start with "God. A problem"? To those of us that believe, God is never "a problem", God is usually "an answer".
That's all I've really got on this one. I agree with huskerbb. There's a lot at stake, I just don't know what advice would work though.
First thought - move out of Utah and cultivate relationships that don't revolve around the church.
- Mellow Momma
____________________________
Where did you get Utah from? I know of many small towns in the Southeast where the Church is more central to general life than any other aspect of town life.
First thought - move out of Utah and cultivate relationships that don't revolve around the church. - Mellow Momma
____________________________
Where did you get Utah from? I know of many small towns in the Southeast where the Church is more central to general life than any other aspect of town life.
It seems like a Mormon type shunning is what the OP is describing. Family, friends and business associates would all shun him if he left the religion. Sounds a bit cult-y to me.
And in a lot of those Southern towns, there is a family where the dad doesn't believe and doesn't go to church and no one shuns the family. They may whisper about him but they don't shun the rest of the family.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Either way, there is a lot at stake here. Imagine you are the spouse. For your entire married life, you believed that your partner shared your faith. You raised your children in that faith to this point.
It's pretty important to get this stuff ironed out before marriage. Sure, people can change their minds--but again, that comes with risks. Marriages have ended for far less.
I read it again.
This was part of the answer: Start with your husband, but that assumption could be wrong.
Well, let's follow this through. Ok, he/she has decided she no longer believes. I actually read this thinking it was a he but it isn't clear either way. SO this means what exactly? That she has to leave her husband? Go stand on a box in front of the church and tell people they are being foolish? Pack up and move away from her home and family? Make some big pronouncement to friends and family? Uproot her children's lives?
First step is to understand that questioning is normal. And, maybe she is going to walk away from faith. Or, not. But, if so, then that is her choice. However, does she really need to uproot her entire life and the lives of her family in response to that? However, if you don't believe, then of course, you don't want to keep up some pretense pretending either.
So, i think she should have a talk to her spouse. Discuss what is going on. And, maybe she just needs to take a break from so many church activities. She can support them going but maybe she just needs to take a step back. ( to go out into the wilderness, so to speak). And, taking a step back might just mean not being there every time the doors open. Maybe not go on Wed night and Sunday school and every church event, etc. ON the other hand, why not still go to Sunday worship with your family? What is that going to hurt? It's family time as well and make it about that. After Church, go out for lunch or put on a nice Sunday family dinner, which makes the day special. Church is only for an hour and she can sacrifice an hour a week for her family. And, listen with a fresh set of ears. Maybe you don't believe the particular doctrines. However, there is no doubt that the messages of Jesus and the Bible can have application and value in anyone's life. The "do unto others" and many other teachings can add value to your life even if you don't believe.
