Dear Carolyn: When my husband is in a bad mood, he becomes very short and snippy to me. He sometimes specifically tells me that he’s not annoyed at me, just generally, so it’s clear that there’s nothing I can really do. Regardless, it makes me feel upset and uncomfortable and continues to affect me for some time after I talk to him. It feels personal even though it’s not. I need to work on my own reactions here, right? Because I can’t change his? How do I do that?
— Upset
DETROIT FREE PRESS
Middle-aged man wants his mother to pay for his wedding
It doesn’t sound as if you’ve gotten all the way to the I-can’t-change-him-I-can-only-change-me wall. Have you said to him, for example, that intellectually you know it’s not about you when he’s snippy to you, but it still affects you emotionally? Have you said to him — assuming you believe this — that you get that his snippiness isn’tabout you, but you think you deserve a better effort on his part to manage his bad moods?
Taking moods out on other people occasionally is inevitable, but if it’s just his way of being in a bad mood and happens regularly, then that’s pretty adolescent behavior. If you pose this to him not as a matter of your sensitivity, but instead as a “There’s got to be a better way” entreaty, then maybe he’ll be willing to take a look at his actions.
It’s also possible that you can implement a strategy or even a code — when he’s this way, he says to you outright that it’s one of those times, and then you both default to a prepared bad-mood ritual: He goes for a long walk, or you leave him alone for 30 minutes to decompress. Having a set role to play can take a lot of pressure off both of you, ideally feeding you fewer opportunities to take things personally.
If he’s being a weenie to you regularly and refuses even to tweak his behavior, then going into this in depth with a therapist, just for you, might help you figure out where and how to draw the line for your own health.
DETROIT FREE PRESS
Sister worries former doormat’s still not assertive enough
Re: Snippy husband: My husband was like this, too, but he would also shout at me and then get confused as to why I was taking it personally. So we came to the agreement that he could shout as much as he wanted so long as the first thing was, “I’M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU OR UPSET WITH YOU I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT.”
Now I feel better, he feels better, and it doesn’t end in tears and a fight. It usually ends in ice cream and a few episodes of our favorite TV show. It also reduces the time he spends upset because he was able to just get it all out.
You can't make someone else happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. So, just do your thing. However, spouses have a responsibility to not be miserable all the time. He needs to figure this out. Does he need a half hour to decompress after work, have a beer or just take a nap? If so, fine, have some space to have your moment. But, then he has to make an effort be pleasant.
When I'm in a bad mood, someone wanting to "talk" doesn't help.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
No kidding. So no one is ever allowed to be in a bad mood once in a while? If you have a bad day at work, that can never show through for even a little while?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
No kidding. So no one is ever allowed to be in a bad mood once in a while? If you have a bad day at work, that can never show through for even a little while?
Of course it can. You just can't act that way all the time. I know some women married to some pretty pissy type husbands who seem angry all the time.
