DEAR ABBY: I've been estranged from my three siblings, their spouses and their families for 35 years -- my choice. There has been no correspondence, and I have seen them only at our parents' funerals.
Since we are all in our 80s, I anticipate there will be funerals for us in the next decade. If I go first, there is no problem. However, I'm considering not attending their funerals or those of their spouses. My grown children say I MUST attend because I'm their brother. I'm concerned that I might be a distraction or there could be a confrontation. Besides, I still remember what caused my estrangement and I just don't want to see them. I know I'm stubborn, but am I wrong? -- TO GO OR NOT TO GO
DEAR GO OR NO: I disagree with your children. People attend funerals to pay their respects to the deceased and/or comfort the family who has suffered the loss. If, after 35 years, you show up at the funeral, you could, indeed, be a distraction -- unless it has been so long that nobody recognizes you.
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It's pretty sad that people will keep a feud going for a lifetime. As for being a "distraction" , get over yourself. Yeah, people would be surprised to see you but nothing wrong with paying respects. We seem to have lost the notion of paying respects. There are endless reasons to not attend a funeral. However, if you didn't care anything about them in life, then i guess don't go.
Now I REALLY want to know what caused that falling out.
Pick one of the stupid "Dear whomever" letters we've had and insert it into this one.
Probably something really stupid and petty.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
Some kind of abuse, usually.
Not always. I have seen a lot of people who are estranged over the most petty crap.
They may never have been close. It may not have really been the kids. They might have had a big age gap, and one ran from the parents as soon as they were able and never looked back.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
Some kind of abuse, usually.
I guess, but to remove yourself from the whole family?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
People are so entitled now that if someone "offends" them, they are offended for life. We dont' know how to let bygones be bygones anymore. People dont' know how to forgive anymore or how to be gracious in life. People don't give other people the space to be who they are and hold their own opinions and have their own ways about them. Someone must be and do like us, or we can't abide it anymore.
I am betting it is something that would seem stupid and petty to us versus abuse. Somebody got jealous or was mommy's favorite or whatever and the sibs took this and ran with it.
People are so entitled now that if someone "offends" them, they are offended for life. We dont' know how to let bygones be bygones anymore. People dont' know how to forgive anymore or how to be gracious in life. People don't give other people the space to be who they are and hold their own opinions and have their own ways about them. Someone must be and do like us, or we can't abide it anymore.
Anymore? You act like this is new. People have been doing it forever. I know of a brother that refused to ever speak to his brother again because when he arrived at Ellis Island way back when, he changed his long, difficult Polish name to a shorter, anglicized version.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It seems that people are very quick to end relationships nowadays. Oh, you don't see eye to eye with your spouse at all times, then get a divorce. Your friend offends you in some way, unfriend them! And, on and on.
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
Some kind of abuse, usually.
I guess, but to remove yourself from the whole family?
People who have close families do not understand when others just don't care. Not everyone considers "family" sacred - it's often thought of as an accident of birth. They go out and make new families of their choosing.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
People are so entitled now that if someone "offends" them, they are offended for life. We dont' know how to let bygones be bygones anymore. People dont' know how to forgive anymore or how to be gracious in life. People don't give other people the space to be who they are and hold their own opinions and have their own ways about them. Someone must be and do like us, or we can't abide it anymore.
Anymore? You act like this is new. People have been doing it forever. I know of a brother that refused to ever speak to his brother again because when he arrived at Ellis Island way back when, he changed his long, difficult Polish name to a shorter, anglicized version.
Well, yeah, the LW is 80 so it isn't new, lol. I just think people are more inclined that way now.
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
Some kind of abuse, usually.
I guess, but to remove yourself from the whole family?
People who have close families do not understand when others just don't care. Not everyone considers "family" sacred - it's often thought of as an accident of birth. They go out and make new families of their choosing.
Ok then, why the angst over attending a funeral that has even happened yet?
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
Some kind of abuse, usually.
I guess, but to remove yourself from the whole family?
People who have close families do not understand when others just don't care. Not everyone considers "family" sacred - it's often thought of as an accident of birth. They go out and make new families of their choosing.
Ok then, why the angst over attending a funeral that has even happened yet?
Because her family is guilting her.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I can not imagine that. What on earth could cause a tear in the family that big?
But no, don't go.
I'm of the mind that if you don't care enough to be in contact when alive, don't play family when dead.
Some kind of abuse, usually.
Not always. I have seen a lot of people who are estranged over the most petty crap.
They may never have been close. It may not have really been the kids. They might have had a big age gap, and one ran from the parents as soon as they were able and never looked back.
The age gap must not be too big--it says they are all in their 80's.
I find it sad when siblings are not close. My siblings are all among my best friends. My dad and his siblings were very close (and the rest of them still are, only dad is gone). I wouldn't describe my mom and her siblings as overall particularly "close"--but they have decent relationships and certainly are not estranged.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Gs brother got into an argument with his father 20 some odd years ago. Left the house and never spoke to his father again. Gs dad tried many times to reach out, but brother refused to acknowledge him in any way.
Dad died a couple of years ago. All that brother said to G was "Sorry for your loss". That was that.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
If I never saw or talked to my sister again, I wouldn't care. Really. We are TOTALLY different, nothing in common whatsoever. Which reminds me, I have to call her today to discuss moving my mother. *sigh*
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Gs brother got into an argument with his father 20 some odd years ago. Left the house and never spoke to his father again. Gs dad tried many times to reach out, but brother refused to acknowledge him in any way. Dad died a couple of years ago. All that brother said to G was "Sorry for your loss". That was that.
Unless there was mental illness involved, it must have been a really important argument.
Or is was "the straw that broke the camel's back"
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
