Dear Carolyn: My dad and I were never close. He worked a lot and did not spend time with us growing up. My parents divorced when I was a teen and I “chose” my mom and had little relationship with him for years.
Dad is now remarried and lives across the country. My son is graduating from high school this spring and my dad wants to know if his attendance is “required.” He said he would rather save the money and give it to my son for his gift. I have one sibling who lives in the same state but also hardly ever comes around. If my dad comes, my sibling and his spouse are likely to come. If not, they probably won’t either. We have a very small family so without them here it is a big absence.
I told my dad we would like him to come as he is important to us and it is a big milestone. He still asked point-blank if that means he has to do it. If I tell him it is his decision, he says, “No, you need to tell me what is expected of me.”
Last year we were in a similar situation over my younger son’s first Communion and I said he needed to come. He did and all seemed to go well.
I know he needs to make his own decision, but he doesn’t seem to accept that as an answer.
— J.
DETROIT FREE PRESS
Grandma verbally abuses granddaughter over career choice
Yes, he needs to make his own decision — and he actually made it. He decided not to go unless you tell him to.
That’s not what you want to hear, obviously, and it is no doubt painful for you that he doesn’t want to show up for his own reasons.
But dwelling on that and, more important, holding out hope that he will someday become the kind of father who takes the initiative to be involved in your life — well, that just sounds like inviting him on a regular basis to keep re-breaking your heart.
This is the father he really is: He will show up if you tell him to. Hardly cuddly and supportive, but it’s not nothing, either. It also gives you a level of logistical control that is almost unheard of in dealing with family.
So give yourself permission to use it guilt-free. Figure out how important his presence is to you, in itself or as bait for your brother — think pragmatism, not Principles of Things — then give him his assignment accordingly: “Yes, you need to be here”; “No, you’re free to stay home,” guilt-free for him, too.
I think it's more evident that he has given her the space she asked for.
He worked a lot. Ok. A LOT of father's worked a lot. That's just the way it use to be. It didn't mean they didn't care. It meant they worked to provide for the family.
His parents divorced and she "chose" her mom and then she "chose" to have little to do with him. I'd say she helped create the situation they are in. And yes, she was a child. But a child old enough to make that choice. And in the years following, to continue making that choice.
It doesn't seem like anything other than him leaving it up to her. Do you want me there or not. He is willing to go. It doesn't seem like he is making excuses NOT to be there. He is simply giving her an option.
She needs to take responsibility for her part in this relationship.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
That's very unfair. She didn't "choose" the divorce. Yeah, she may have had to choose a parent. I would have also gone with my mom. Doesn't mean i didn't love and adore my dad. It's unfair to put that on her in any way, shape or form. Sorry, but a lot of parents dont' seem to have much problem anymore walking away from their kids.
She has made the same choice with every passing day.
This isn't a 12 year old anymore.
This is a grown woman.
She didn't choose the divorce.
But she has chosen to continue removing herself from his life.
And I'm not saying it's right, wrong, or anything.
It's just the way things are.
If he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be giving her the option.
He's leaving it up to her.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
What are you talking about? Sounds like she has continually tried to reach out to him to include him. Where is HIS responsibilty? Wow. I really don't understand your harshness for the wrong people.
And why is it "unfair to put that on her in any way"?
Aren't you one who often says "up until 18, maybe 20, you can blame your parents, but when you're 30 it's on you" or something to that effect.
This woman has a child graduating high school. She's at least 30.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Parents are the ones who are supposed to make overtures. Parents are the ones who should be pursuing. When i was a teen and a brat, i recall fighting a LOT with my mom. Well, there were many nights i stomped up to my room mad. But, you know what? There was never a night that passed, that my mom didn't come up to my room, tuck me in and tell me she loved me hug me. In fact, i used to lay there waiting for her to come up because i really didn't want to fight with her. In reality, I was the one who should have been sorry. And, now, i always think of that when dealing with my own children. If you want to spend your life being a "right" fighter, then have it.
And why is it "unfair to put that on her in any way"?
Aren't you one who often says "up until 18, maybe 20, you can blame your parents, but when you're 30 it's on you" or something to that effect.
This woman has a child graduating high school. She's at least 30.
Again, what are you talking about? I dont see her "blaming her dad" for sucking at life. She merely wants a close relationship that she isnt' getting. Yeah, what a bitch to want her dad to care about her life. Wow.
What are you talking about? Sounds like she has continually tried to reach out to him to include him. Where is HIS responsibilty? Wow. I really don't understand your harshness for the wrong people.
Read the letter. It doesn't sound like she has much of a relationship with the sibling either.
And how is it harsh?
How exactly is he reaching out and how exactly is she shooting him down?
He says he will be there if SHE WANTS HIM THERE.
Does she want him there?
He is not doing anything but giving her an option.
And she is not doing anything but resenting him for that.
Sounds pretty messed up to me.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If you say so. Personally, i cannot understand your harshness towards people. Dad is the one who choose to move across the country. When he choose that , he choose not to be close enough to be involved.
I think the LW is wanting her dad to want to be there.
He obviously does want to be there.
LW wants dad to make his own choice.
Dad doesn't want to be there if LW doesn't want him.
They need to talk to each other.
And it doesn't say when this move across the country happened.
Why does the LW not have a better relationship with the sibling?
Seems the LW hasn't done much to maintain that relationship either.
This is a 30 something year old woman, not a 12 year old kid.
She has helped to create this situation.
That isn't being harsh. That is stating a fact.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
When does she become responsible for her own part in the relationship?
And what harshness?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I don't know. Doesn't much about what he hasn't done.
Did he
Don't know. LW said she didn't have much of a relationship with him. Why?
Did he attempt vists? Pay child support?
Just said he worked a lot.
Didn't say he avoided her.
They obviously talk some or how would they know anything about the other?
He knows about his grandkids enough to be invited to milestone events.
So there has to be some level of involvement.
But then I ask again, what about the sibling?
Doesn't seem to be much of a relationship there either.
Why?
I'm not blaming either of them.
I see it more as reaping what has been sewn.
By both of them.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
What is HIS part Lilly? What is HIS part? He is the parent.
You can't have it both ways though.
you either become an equal adult to your parents OR you stay the child, which includes your parents actively trying to parent you.
there is a middle ground, but waiting for the parent to always make the first move in the relationship - to never being THR first to apologize even when you did something wrong is both infantile and unmannerly.
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“One day, you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again.”
C.S.Lewis
I agree the whining is pointless. But, it is just a painful reminder of the uninvolved father she has.
And it's a POINTLESS exercise in futility to think he might change now. If he didn't give a crap for the last 20 years, he's not all of a sudden going to start doing so.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
If my dad didn't want to be there I wouldn't want him there. I'd let him make the choice and he can live with the consequences. Luckily I had a dad who loved and supported me so I just don't understand this.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
This dad wants to know if his being there is required.
He also says he'd rather give the cost of the trip to the grandson.
No. He isnt required.
The LW seems to want him there but is it because she want him to share the moment or because she wants the appearance of family?
I'm still thinking about the fact that the sibling will most likely not come if the dad doesnt.
I think there has been some distancing done over the years and now the results of that are becoming painfully obvious.
LW needs to say, "I want you there, but it isn't required. It's up to you" and then just let it go.
Thing is, these letters are always just one side. So we can't actually know anything for sure.
That's why I try to take them with the proverbial grain of salt.
-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Friday 11th of March 2016 08:47:18 AM
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
She said the divorce happened when she was a teen and she chose to live with mom. Does that mean 13 or 17? Did she blame him for the divorce?
Really, not of it matters much. They are not close, but he will do his "duty" if pressed. What is she doing wrong? She is clinging to the hope that she can change him and make him WANT to come, and that isn't going to happen.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She said the divorce happened when she was a teen and she chose to live with mom. Does that mean 13 or 17? Did she blame him for the divorce?
Really, not of it matters much. They are not close, but he will do his "duty" if pressed. What is she doing wrong? She is clinging to the hope that she can change him and make him WANT to come, and that isn't going to happen.
Yeah, she's already told him that she wants him there. Sending money is the easy way out.
Wild horses couldn't keep either of my parent away from the special events in my life and in the lives of my children. If a parent expected me to "make" them show up for something, that would tell me they really didn't want to be included in the first place, or are, at the very least, ambivalent towards my life's events.
While she may have "chosen" one parent over the other, she is now attempting to reach out and include him. Perhaps it would mean more to include him not just during these milestone events, but at other times, too? Holidays, birthdays, summers, spring breaks, etc.? And does she make an effort to travel to see him? So many questions...
