Dear Amy: My father married a wonderful woman who brought a young son into the family. My siblings and I are from 10 to 18 years older than this stepbrother and have never become particularly close.
After all these years, I continue to struggle with jealousy about how my stepbrother has been raised and the different expectations my father has had for him.
We were all raised to be self-sufficient, with the expectation that we would finish college and be independent. We would never consider asking for financial help because of my father’s values-based and budget-minded philosophy.
Yet this stepbrother got married and had children without being able to support them. They have moved in with my father and stepmother and have taken over their home while my stepbrother tries to find work.
Their car, food and extras are all covered by the parents.
How do I get over this jealousy without ruining my relationship with my father and stepmother? My approach has been to not let them know how I feel and to be grateful for what I have, but it continues to eat at me (and my siblings). — Jealous
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Dear Jealous: Your father raised you to be highly functioning and self-sufficient — and you are. Would you like to be like your stepbrother — unemployed, unable to support your own family and living with your father? I assume not. And so, I think that what you describe as “jealousy” is really resentment.
One way to discuss this situation would be to ask your father and stepmother if they are happy with things as they currently are in his household. Can they afford to support these extra family members and still have money for retirement?
Their choices could have a direct impact on you and your siblings. If your father is bled dry by these other family members, then this self-reliant man might be forced to depend on you for support in later years. You should respectfully register your own concerns, while understanding that your father is free to make his own choices. It sounds as if your stepbrother is to be pitied, not envied.
You're right but she kept saying she was jealous. I'm also sensing she doesn't blame her dad in this because after all he instilled those values in her.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
DD is certainly being raised more privileged than DS, but that is a result of my being older and set in a career where my earnings are more. He isn't jealous although might wish he had grown up when I could own a nice house in a great neighborhood and not move every few years. But he had my energy years, my adventurous years. Plus he lived in many places that were awesome. Nothing else in my parenting has changed. I didn't coddle DS and I don't coddle DD. DS was welcome to live under my roof as long has he worked full time or in school full time and paid his way. The same will hold true for DD. Thing is when you make your kids pay their way, it teaches them to be self sufficient and when they are emotionally ready to leave they will, it won't be finances that hold them back. I think this Dad is doing wrong by his step son.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
