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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Meet the wives whose husbands NEVER say I love you
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Part of me is screaming with the need to hear those words': Meet the wives whose husbands NEVER say I love you

By ANGELA EPSTEIN FOR THE DAILY MAIL

PUBLISHED: 21:06 EST, 22 March 2016 | UPDATED: 03:07 EST, 23 March 2016

 

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Three little words. They’re all I really want to hear, writes ANGELA EPSTEIN (pictured with husband Martin) 
 
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Three little words. They’re all I really want to hear, writes ANGELA EPSTEIN (pictured with husband Martin) 

Three little words. They’re all I really want to hear. Yet it doesn’t matter how much I beg, plead (and, on occasion, whimper), my husband Martin never tells me that he loves me. 

In fact, in the 25 years we have been married, the only time those words crossed his lips was on our wedding day.

We could be in the throes of passion or snuggled in front of the TV, but he never succumbs. Every night, before I turn off the bedroom light, I turn to him and say: ‘Love you. Do you love me?’ 

And every time he replies: ‘No. Sleep well, doll.’ (Perhaps he thinks calling me ‘doll’ is the consolation prize.)

In fact, our nightly ritual is, to him, something of a joke, albeit one only he thinks is funny. To me, it can be at best annoying and at worst, truly hurtful.

Through all our emotional milestones — including the births of our children, Sam, 23, Max, 20, Aaron, 17, and Sophie, 11 — I’ve never been told something other women hear on a daily basis.

I suppose by now I’ve come to accept the status quo. As my late mother so wisely told me: ‘Don’t marry someone thinking you can change them.’ 

Yet a part of me is screaming with need to hear those words. And I don’t especially like how that makes me feel.

I suppose innate arrogance tells me that I am a prize any man would love: at 48, attractive for my age (I think), professionally respected and, so I’m told, sparkling company. 

In fact, men constantly flirt with me. I like to think of myself as a good mother, consummate home maker . . . blimey, what more could a man want?

And yet even with this tick-list of virtues, it doesn’t seem to be enough to get Martin, 51, to utter the phrase I am desperate to hear. All of which crushes (well, at least a little) the confidence I have about who I am.

The closest declaration I’ve had was when we recently escaped to the Lake District for a romantic weekend away. 

Asking me to lock up our picture perfect cottage as we set out for a walk, Martin called over his shoulder: ‘Don’t forget to bring the valuables with you. I suppose you can include yourself in that.’

Being so starved of verbal affection, I lived on this throwaway comment for days.

I have no doubt Martin does love me. He is caring and shows affection in his deeds. He has surprised me by buying me a dress I happened to mention I liked.

He has covertly arranged ‘help’ from a cleaning agency to wash up after seeing me sweat over preparations for a large dinner party. And he has whisked me away on lovely holidays.

But whether we are sat at home in Manchester or on top of the Eiffel Tower, Martin will not say he loves me — in conversation or in print.

Ruth Shearn, 54, from Hale in Cheshire, says that despite spending 27 years with her partner, Rick, he still refuses to say he loves her
 
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Ruth Shearn, 54, from Hale in Cheshire, says that despite spending 27 years with her partner, Rick, he still refuses to say he loves her

His message on my gorgeous bouquet of Valentine’s Day roses read: ‘From your secret admirer. PS: These are not from a garage.’

Why his silence on this subject? Well, Martin, a chartered accountant, whom I met when I was 18, says that he simply doesn’t think it’s important. ‘I don’t understand the need,’ he says.

‘We have, thank God, a happy life together. We’ve raised four children together. I love to be with you. But to have to spell it out in words? It’s just meaningless.’

Unlike me, Martin is all about practicality. After all, he files receipts for a living. But love? Forget it. It doesn’t have a tax code.

Not that he can’t be deeply empathetic or understanding when I’m feeling low. When my mum passed away two years ago, he was incredibly attentive. 

I remember him insisting that we go away to a beautiful hotel in the Lake District about a week after the funeral, so that I could have time to regroup and reflect on what had happened.

I didn’t ask him then to tell me he loved me, I suppose it was implicit in his actions, but how I would have relished to hear those words then. 

At least I discover I’m not alone. Ruth Shearn, 54, from Hale in Cheshire, says that despite spending 27 years with her partner, Rick, with whom she has a daughter, Alexis, 14, he still refuses to say he loves her.

‘I’ll never forget when Rick threw me a surprise 40th birthday party, even going to the trouble of arranging for friends from hundreds of miles away to be there on the night.

‘When he stood up to speak, I fully expected him to say something affectionate and loving and finish with the words “I love you”, the way I’ve heard other men do for their wives or partners.

‘Instead he said: “Well, Ruth, you’re nearer 50 now than 40.” It was meant to be a huge joke, but inside, I was so disappointed — and quite embarrassed, too.

‘I wouldn’t row about it. After all, he’d gone to all this trouble for me, but it would have meant so much more if he had expressed himself this way.’

Michelle, 30, says there have been times when she's longed to hear the words 'I love you'
 
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Michelle, 30, says there have been times when she's longed to hear the words 'I love you'

Despite all this, Ruth, who runs a digital marketing company, says she knows Rick is her soulmate, bringing her tea and hot buttered toast in bed every morning and making loving gestures when she least expects them.

‘On one occasion, he arranged for us to go away for the weekend to a fabulous hotel in Pembrokeshire, a five-hour drive away, that he knew I was dying to visit.

‘When a work meeting came up for the Saturday morning in Lincoln a few hundred miles away, he didn’t want to disappoint me, so instead of us wasting time spending hours on the road, he hired a small plane to take us there and back. You can’t get more romantic than that.

‘Yet in romantic situations, however intimate, he clearly doesn’t feel the need to say he loves me.’

There is, perhaps, a deeply rooted and emotionally traumatic reason for Rick’s reluctance. Eighteen years ago, the couple’s eldest child died in an accident when he was just two years old.

‘It was the most terrible, horrible experience, the worst thing parents can go through,’ says Rick.

‘During that time, Ruth needed constant confirmation of my love for her and I must have said “I love you” all the time. We both needed something to cling to.

‘That set the benchmark; when you go through something like that, you realise how important the words are, but, in my mind, it has consolidated how meaningless that phrase is in everyday situations. I said it when it really counted. I don’t need to say it now.

‘Some couples say “I love you” when they nip to the supermarket. It’s pointless. I don’t feel the need to give that reassurance, even when she wants me to. 

'I love Ruth for her vigour, her vitality, her kindness, but I can’t do it. She shouldn’t need reassurance in that way.’

But as every woman knows, reassurance is something even the strongest of us need now and again.

When I put this to Louise Tyler, a counsellor who runs the Personal Resilience clinic in Cheshire, she says that when it comes to expressing love, women prefer to express their feelings through sentiment, while men use the action-speaks-louder-than-words approach.

‘Perhaps it’s evolutionary,’ she says. ‘When males were out hunting and gathering, there would have been little time for emotion, yet bringing food back would have been seen as a clear signal of love and devotion to their families, as would a physical relationship leading to reproduction.

‘In modern times, therefore, a man is likely to convey love through such things as helping a partner in a practical sense or initiating sex.

‘Women, on the other hand, enjoy the expression of love through emotions and words, perhaps harking back to the days when they were the innate nurturers of the family unit.’

 Many of these reluctant men are quick to deploy the gestures of ‘love’, rather than expressing it verbally
 
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 Many of these reluctant men are quick to deploy the gestures of ‘love’, rather than expressing it verbally

Certainly, many of these reluctant men are quick to deploy the gestures of ‘love’, rather than expressing it verbally.

Russell Phillips, 43, an IT consultant from Eastbourne, East Sussex, even went as far as proposing to his girlfriend, Michelle, 30, in the middle of the arena at the Roller Derby world cup in Dallas, Texas, last December. It won them the title of Britain’s sweetest proposal, but he still won’t say ‘I love you’.

‘Perhaps it’s because we were friends for a couple of years before we got together that he doesn’t feel the need to say it,’ says Michelle.

‘There have been times when I’ve longed to hear him say it, at moments of intimacy or when we’re just having a lovely time.

‘I don’t know why it would be so nice to hear it, when I know how he feels about me, but I would.’

Not that Michelle would dispatch her husband to the spare room. Nor does she feel it’s because he holds the power in the relationship.

‘You could say it’s more about me than him. He doesn’t feel the need to say it. I could make a fuss, but I’m not sure what that would achieve except arguments. That would be a recipe for making him love me less.’

Russell admits there have been moments when he has been tempted, such as the time they were on holiday in Portugal a few months ago and went for a romantic dinner at a restaurant overlooking a river.

‘Michelle looked beautiful, the evening was warm. But I thought it would just spoil the moment if I said “I love you”. It would just make it all sound a bit trite.’

Maybe he’s right. Maybe saying ‘I love you’ is nothing more than a cliche best left to the big, soppy messages found in the middle of satin-embossed greetings cards.

But I would weather the risk of those three little words sounding hackneyed, just to hear them said by the man I love. Even just once.

And I promise I wouldn’t ever ask to hear them again.



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3505441/The-wives-husbands-never-say-love-you.html#ixzz43ix3wBui 
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Momala


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DH and I speak on the phone frequently, especially when I'm about to leave Church to drive home (in the dark). He ALWAYS ends our conversations with "I love you!". Who knows? Either one of us could be in an accident, and those would be the last words we ever said to each other.
When I've been gone all morning for my volunteer work, he always tells me he missed me.
I know he loves me.
He knows he loves me.
But its important to both of us that we verbalize that feeling.

I have an icon on my screen saver - Things I Love. So far, I've listed 22 things he does/did that express his love for me.

I'm truly blessed.





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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Sounds like passive aggressive men who engage in withholding in their passive aggressive ways.

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These men are purposefully NOT doing something small that they know their partner wants. They sound like a$$holes to me.

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huskerbb


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How sad.

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These women need to read the 5 love languages. Not everyone is comfortable verbalizing it. The article describes many actions of love that other women who hear an empty version of "I love you" every day would kill for.

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flan327


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Certainly they didn't say "I love you" when they were dating. Did they expect them to magically change?

I've heard of that book, LL, but never read it. I don't know that "love" is that simple, to be broken down into only 5 "languages."

My parents never said "I love you" to each other or us kids. They were married 50 years, so they obviously did.

It's not that hard of a thing to say, frankly.

flan

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After 30 years as a marriage counselor, I am convinced that there are five basic love languages – five ways to express love emotionally. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.

Words of Affirmation

One time when my wife and I were visiting our daughter and son-in-law and our two grandchildren, our son-in-law took the garbage out after dinner. When he walked back into the room where we were talking with our daughter, she looked up and said, "John, thanks for taking the garbage out."

Inside I said, "Yes!" because I knew the power of appreciation. I can't tell you how many men and women have sat in my office over the past 30 years and said to me, "I work my tail off every day, yet my spouse acts like I haven't done a thing. I never get a single word of appreciation."

If your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.

Acts of Service

Do you remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

Maxine, who had been married for 15 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with her marriage. Listen to what she said: "I don't understand David. Every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes, and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I'm sick of hearing 'I love you.' If he loved me, he would do something to help me."

Maxine's primary love language is acts of service (not words of affirmation), and even though her husband, David, loved her, he had never learned to express his love in a way that made her feel loved. However, after David and I talked and he read The Five Love Languages, he got the picture and started speaking Maxine's love language. In less than a month, her love tank was beginning to fill up, and their marriage moved from winter to spring.

The next time I talked to Maxine, she said, "It's wonderful. I wish we had come for counseling 10 years ago. I never knew about the love languages. I just knew I didn't feel loved."

Receiving Gifts

In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her.

What many people do not understand is that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It's the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. If you're married to someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and "no occasion" days.

The gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it's the thought that counts. Even something as simple as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Quality Time

If your spouse's love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love. Some men pride themselves on being able to watch television, read a magazine, and listen to their wives, all at the same time. That is an admirable trait, but it is not speaking the love language of quality time.

Instead, you must turn off the TV, lay the magazine down, look into your mate's eyes, and listen and interact. To your spouse, 20 minutes of your undivided attention – listening and conversing – is like a 20-minute refill of his or her love tank.

Men, if you really want to impress your wife, the next time she walks into the room while you are watching a sporting event, put the television on mute and don't take your eyes off her as long as she's in the room. If she engages you in conversation, turn the TV off and give her your undivided attention. You will score a thousand points and her love tank will be overflowing.

Physical Touch

We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick up babies and touch them tenderly. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or she feels loved by physical touch.

In marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate's shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you're driving together, and holding hands while you're walking to kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse.

If physical touch is your spouse's primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.



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Mine is Acts of Service, and my DH's is Quality Time.

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huskerbb


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But part of the point of the love languages is that you make an effort to love your partner in their language. They aren't doing that.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

Mine is Acts of Service, and my DH's is Quality Time.

 And I think it's more complicated than just one "language."

(But, honestly, thanks for the Cliff Notes version.)

flan



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huskerbb wrote:

But part of the point of the love languages is that you make an effort to love your partner in their language. They aren't doing that.

 Very true.  But what they do do tells you what their language is.  Most people just don't get that someone else's is something different.   This is where open communication or counseling comes into play.



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Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

But part of the point of the love languages is that you make an effort to love your partner in their language. They aren't doing that.

 Very true.  But what they do do tells you what their language is.  Most people just don't get that someone else's is something different.   This is where open communication or counseling comes into play.

 All I'm saying is that it has to be a two way street.  Yes, their wives need to recognize the ways their husbands display love without saying the words, but the husbands also need to make an effort to give love in the ways that their wives feel it.



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Lawyerlady


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huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

But part of the point of the love languages is that you make an effort to love your partner in their language. They aren't doing that.

 Very true.  But what they do do tells you what their language is.  Most people just don't get that someone else's is something different.   This is where open communication or counseling comes into play.

 All I'm saying is that it has to be a two way street.  Yes, their wives need to recognize the ways their husbands display love without saying the words, but the husbands also need to make an effort to give love in the ways that their wives feel it.

 I'm not disagreeing with you.  I'm just saying why they aren't doing it, not that they shouldn't.



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DH does four of the acts of love, wow! So do I!

We do not give gifts outside of Christmas and Christmas is a rarity.

I do agree that couples do need to learn their partners form of love and respond accordingly to their partner.

Never saying "I love you" would hurt though. Those three little words are not going to kill you to say them. The partner that refuses to say the words his/her partner needs to hear is being a jerk/biotch, IMHO.

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just Czech wrote:

DH does four of the acts of love, wow! So do I!

We do not give gifts outside of Christmas and Christmas is a rarity.

I do agree that couples do need to learn their partners form of love and respond accordingly to their partner.

Never saying "I love you" would hurt though. Those three little words are not going to kill you to say them. The partner that refuses to say the words his/her partner needs to hear is being a jerk/biotch, IMHO.

 Exactly.  Refusing to do something that is so easy and would make your spouse so happy is just being an a$$hole.



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huskerbb wrote:
just Czech wrote:

DH does four of the acts of love, wow! So do I!

We do not give gifts outside of Christmas and Christmas is a rarity.

I do agree that couples do need to learn their partners form of love and respond accordingly to their partner.

Never saying "I love you" would hurt though. Those three little words are not going to kill you to say them. The partner that refuses to say the words his/her partner needs to hear is being a jerk/biotch, IMHO.

 Exactly.  Refusing to do something that is so easy and would make your spouse so happy is just being an a$$hole.

 Seriously.

flan



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Have they been kissed?

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just Czech wrote:

DH does four of the acts of love, wow! So do I!

We do not give gifts outside of Christmas and Christmas is a rarity.

I do agree that couples do need to learn their partners form of love and respond accordingly to their partner.

Never saying "I love you" would hurt though. Those three little words are not going to kill you to say them. The partner that refuses to say the words his/her partner needs to hear is being a jerk/biotch, IMHO.

 I agree



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Actions speak louder than words.
My parents never said it, but they showed it.
Some people don't need constant reaffirmation.

*Do you love me, do you love me, say you love me, I need to hear it, do you love me, why won't you say you love me.*

Shut up.

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weltschmerz wrote:

Actions speak louder than words.
My parents never said it, but they showed it.
Some people don't need constant reaffirmation.

*Do you love me, do you love me, say you love me, I need to hear it, do you love me, why won't you say you love me.*

Shut up.

 Not to everyone.  

No one has to profess their undying love fifty times a day--but to NEVER say it, especially when it would make someone you love happy?  Well, maybe you don't love them.



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weltschmerz wrote:

Actions speak louder than words.
My parents never said it, but they showed it.
Some people don't need constant reaffirmation.

*Do you love me, do you love me, say you love me, I need to hear it, do you love me, why won't you say you love me.*

Shut up.

 They didnt' say "constant".  They just want to hear it from their spouse once in awhile.  



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weltschmerz


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Many men have difficulty saying it. They think showing it is good enough.
If he treats you well, shows you affection a hundred different ways, pitches in without being asked, tries to look after your needs and wants, and pampers you on occasion.....he loves you.



-- Edited by weltschmerz on Wednesday 23rd of March 2016 06:29:57 PM

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If he gets up on his day off and makes you coffee, goes to shovel your car out of the snow, scrapes the ice off your windows and makes sure the car is toasty by the time you're ready to go to work......he loves you.

Mine did that all the time, and it was worth more than all the "*I love you's" in the world.

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weltschmerz wrote:

Many any men have difficulty saying it. They think showing it is good enough.
If he treats you well, shows you affection a hundred different ways, pitches in without being asked, tries to look after your needs and wants, and pampers you on occasion.....he loves you.

I wouldn't be with a man that refused to say it.  I don't have to hear it all the time, but if a man is too insecure to say it, then he needs to grow up... 

And I've never known a man that had "difficulty" saying it.  That's just not normal...



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Why can't he do all that stuff--plus say it? It's not an either/or thing.

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weltschmerz wrote:

Many any men have difficulty saying it. They think showing it is good enough.
If he treats you well, shows you affection a hundred different ways, pitches in without being asked, tries to look after your needs and wants, and pampers you on occasion.....he loves you.

 That may be enough for you but it would never be enough for me. I would never have married a man like that.



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A common thread in all of the above stories is that those women long to hear it--but their men don't htink it is important.

If you are so selfish that you can't find any reason to do something so easy and is so important to your spouse--even if you don't think it is important--then you don't love them as much as you think.

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huskerbb wrote:

A common thread in all of the above stories is that those women long to hear it--but their men don't htink it is important.

If you are so selfish that you can't find any reason to do something so easy and is so important to your spouse--even if you don't think it is important--then you don't love them as much as you think.

The sad thing is, they aren't asking them to really DO anything.  Just say something.  They aren't asking them to take them out for a night on the town, or wash the car, or go to a movie they know they would hate.  They are asking for three words. 



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Empyreal


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I love you guys

It's so easy!

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Tinydancer


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Empyreal wrote:

I love you guys

It's so easy!

 date.gif You're right. It's just that easy!

 

ETA Because I do know how to spell...



-- Edited by Tinydancer on Wednesday 23rd of March 2016 07:02:53 PM

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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weltschmerz wrote:

If he gets up on his day off and makes you coffee, goes to shovel your car out of the snow, scrapes the ice off your windows and makes sure the car is toasty by the time you're ready to go to work......he loves you.

Mine did that all the time, and it was worth more than all the "*I love you's" in the world.

 My husband does all of those things.   AND says " I love you".  So not sure why you think they are mutually exclusive.



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Mellow Momma


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huskerbb wrote:

A common thread in all of the above stories is that those women long to hear it--but their men don't htink it is important.

If you are so selfish that you can't find any reason to do something so easy and is so important to your spouse--even if you don't think it is important--then you don't love them as much as you think.

 I agree. I have sat through more foreign documentaries and sports biographies than I care to remember. But I do it because DH enjoys them and wants me to be with him. That's what married people do. I don't understand why those idiots won't just say something they obviously feel !! Even if they don't think it's important, their wives do! Why don't they care enough to make their wives happy ?!?! 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well, I guess it's their hill to die on.

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