Dear Prudence, My husband and I have been married for 20 years, and we’re happy but for one thing: He often repeats the same stories and anecdotes. It drives me crazy, but when I point it out, he acts like I’ve hurt his feelings. It’s dividing the family. He claims that since we’re encountering new people each time (we’ve moved frequently), he doesn’t repeat stories to the same folks. My sons agree. But my daughter and I have heard it all before. Even if the story was entertaining once, we don’t want to hear it again. It’s rude of him to not consider every person in the room when he speaks, but he acts hurt when I helpfully point out his repetition. Then my sons say I’m being mean. He’s not elderly. There’s nothing wrong medically. He just thinks it’s acceptable to repeat stories and anecdotes. How do I make him stop?
—Repeat Offender
You can’t make him stop—one generally can’t stop anyone else from doing anything if they don’t want to—but you can certainly continue to make social gatherings unpleasant for him. He’s not repeating stories on an hourly basis. He—like many other humans—has a limited repertoire of interesting stories, and he rotates a few of them on a regular basis with new friends. I do not believe you are being “helpful” at all when you remind him he’s told a story before. He does not “act” like you have hurt his feelings; you have, in fact, hurt them. Unless he’s spending every night repeating the same conversation word-for-word, find the inner strength to withstand the occasional retelling, and leave him alone. You’ve made your opinion clear enough already, and continuing to harp at him will only make you feel like a scold and him want to find someone else to talk to.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It's very annoying to hear the same old story over and over. She should just leave the room when he starts.
But she's not the only one in the room, and it's mean to make him feel bad for telling an anecdote just because she's heard it before. It would be crushing to know that the one whom you would look to the most in the world for support and encouragement--can't stand to hear you talk.
My wife would never do that. She's undoubtedly heard some of my stories a hundred times, but she enthusiastically laughs at the right places, fills in details that I forget, and might even "take over" if she thinks I'm not remembering it correctly.
I have a great friend who likes to tell stories from high school. He's a big guy, and most of them start with something like "well, when I was a freshman I weighed about 210.....". Sure, it can be annoying to hear the same stories again and again--but it makes him who he is, and I love that person, so I am more than willing to put up with that foible.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It's very annoying to hear the same old story over and over. She should just leave the room when he starts.
But she's not the only one in the room, and it's mean to make him feel bad for telling an anecdote just because she's heard it before. It would be crushing to know that the one whom you would look to the most in the world for support and encouragement--can't stand to hear you talk.
My wife would never do that. She's undoubtedly heard some of my stories a hundred times, but she enthusiastically laughs at the right places, fills in details that I forget, and might even "take over" if she thinks I'm not remembering it correctly.
I have a great friend who likes to tell stories from high school. He's a big guy, and most of them start with something like "well, when I was a freshman I weighed about 210.....". Sure, it can be annoying to hear the same stories again and again--but it makes him who he is, and I love that person, so I am more than willing to put up with that foible.
Perhaps I am tainted by my first ex. He had diarrhea of the mouth and would constantly tell the same old story all the time. To the point that people would roll their eyes, he would even embellish increasingly with each time he would tell the story. He embarrassed me. Why do people feel the need to constantly tell "stories" anyway? Why can't you just have normal conversations about the here and now?
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I think she's just being mean. Sure she's heard the story before. If they're married, she's probably heard all his stories and anecdotes before, does that mean he's not allowed to speak when they're out socially.
Certainly parts of the conversations are about the here and now, but occassionally a topic comes up where someone has an amusing experience to share, what's the harm in that?
I think she's just being mean. Sure she's heard the story before. If they're married, she's probably heard all his stories and anecdotes before, does that mean he's not allowed to speak when they're out socially.
Certainly parts of the conversations are about the here and now, but occassionally a topic comes up where someone has an amusing experience to share, what's the harm in that?
Not a thing but this could be that type of person that we all have run into. The ones that just won't shut up and actually bait people into a particular conversation topic just so they can ramble on with their tired story.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
That's entirely possible, but not the impression I got from this letter. They were socializing with new people due to moving from place to place. Just she and her daughter were bothered, not the sons.
That's entirely possible, but not the impression I got from this letter. They were socializing with new people due to moving from place to place. Just she and her daughter were bothered, not the sons.
Sigh, I know. As I said earlier, I've been tainted. But I do find it amusing that the son's see nothing wrong but the daughter does. Perhaps it is a guy thing?
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I think she's just being mean. Sure she's heard the story before. If they're married, she's probably heard all his stories and anecdotes before, does that mean he's not allowed to speak when they're out socially.
Certainly parts of the conversations are about the here and now, but occassionally a topic comes up where someone has an amusing experience to share, what's the harm in that?
Not a thing but this could be that type of person that we all have run into. The ones that just won't shut up and actually bait people into a particular conversation topic just so they can ramble on with their tired story.
It's not "tired" to people who haven't heard it. The wife doesn't even say that he repeats the stories over and over to the same people.
She says he's being "rude" to not consider "every person" in the room--when it's only his family that has heard it, before. That's absurd.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My mother reminded me today that every Easter she hears the story about the time DH & I moved on Easter Sunday and left our chocolate bunnies in the trunk. It was a particularly hot spring and both bunnies melted, leaving a blob of chocolate with little hard candy eyes peering up. She said it must have left a lasting impression on me because I tell the story every year. I just laughed and said I was reminded because this year the bunny I gave DH broke at the neck.
My grandfather used to repeat his stories. My mother used to get upset, but I used to pretend it was new and asked him to tell me more. It made him happy that someone was interested. I loved hearing what things were like when he was a boy. Heck, at 90, I was just happy he even remembered. My friends enjoyed his stories, too. I wish he were here today so I could hear those stories again, and I suspect that my mother wouldn't mind hearing it one more time either.
I mean really, it's listening to a story. Not like a bat to the head.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My mother reminded me today that every Easter she hears the story about the time DH & I moved on Easter Sunday and left our chocolate bunnies in the trunk. It was a particularly hot spring and both bunnies melted, leaving a blob of chocolate with little hard candy eyes peering up. She said it must have left a lasting impression on me because I tell the story every year. I just laughed and said I was reminded because this year the bunny I gave DH broke at the neck.
My grandfather used to repeat his stories. My mother used to get upset, but I used to pretend it was new and asked him to tell me more. It made him happy that someone was interested. I loved hearing what things were like when he was a boy. Heck, at 90, I was just happy he even remembered. My friends enjoyed his stories, too. I wish he were here today so I could hear those stories again, and I suspect that my mother wouldn't mind hearing it one more time either.
I just think it would be sad that every time you wanted to tell a story that is important to you--those you love the most look on you with contempt.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My husband tells the same stories every time we have new people around. I've heard them all a million times, but how else are people supposed to get to know each other? I already know him so of course I've already heard or seen all of the things he is talking about. I don't get what the guy is supposed to do?
Maybe she doesn't get a chance to talk or something and that has her irritated. It might not be the stories at all? Maybe he dominates the conversation. If it's seriously just about her having to hear the same story a few times then she is a pretty up-tight biotch.
I'm always thankful that my husband is more gregarious and talkative. I like people but I'm not as outgoing. I feel more comfortable if he is there to keep people entertained.
I also like to hear people's stories. It gives you insight into what matters to them or what they find humor in. They usually won't bother to pass it along unless it's something they find meaningful or entertaining. It's the fastest way to get to know a person, exchanging stories/experiences.
She shouldn't be bothered if the guests are enjoying it.
__________________
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.
My husband tells the same stories every time we have new people around. I've heard them all a million times, but how else are people supposed to get to know each other? I already know him so of course I've already heard or seen all of the things he is talking about. I don't get what the guy is supposed to do?
Maybe she doesn't get a chance to talk or something and that has her irritated. It might not be the stories at all? Maybe he dominates the conversation. If it's seriously just about her having to hear the same story a few times then she is a pretty up-tight biotch.
I'm always thankful that my husband is more gregarious and talkative. I like people but I'm not as outgoing. I feel more comfortable if he is there to keep people entertained.
I also like to hear people's stories. It gives you insight into what matters to them or what they find humor in. They usually won't bother to pass it along unless it's something they find meaningful or entertaining. It's the fastest way to get to know a person, exchanging stories/experiences.
She shouldn't be bothered if the guests are enjoying it.
Yeah, that's the measure. Are the other people rolling their eyes? Nothing in the letter indicates they are--it's just her and her daughter.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My husband tells the same stories every time we have new people around. I've heard them all a million times, but how else are people supposed to get to know each other? I already know him so of course I've already heard or seen all of the things he is talking about. I don't get what the guy is supposed to do?
Maybe she doesn't get a chance to talk or something and that has her irritated. It might not be the stories at all? Maybe he dominates the conversation. If it's seriously just about her having to hear the same story a few times then she is a pretty up-tight biotch.
I'm always thankful that my husband is more gregarious and talkative. I like people but I'm not as outgoing. I feel more comfortable if he is there to keep people entertained.
I also like to hear people's stories. It gives you insight into what matters to them or what they find humor in. They usually won't bother to pass it along unless it's something they find meaningful or entertaining. It's the fastest way to get to know a person, exchanging stories/experiences.
She shouldn't be bothered if the guests are enjoying it.
BINGO
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I would give anything in the world to have my dad back just so I could hear his stories again.
Same here.
It costs us nothing to listen. More people need to remember that if they want someone to listen to them.
When I got home today and started dinner for Dad, he insisted that I needed to look at a photo album I had "probably never seen before". I am absolutely exhausted. I've seen this album several times over the years. And I sat down and looked at it again with him and didn't say a word except to comment on this and that. I had to help him turn the pages this time because his fingers are numb (neuropathy).
I hope he wants me to look again (for the first time, maybe?).
I know this is different than dealing with a spouse, but is it really so hard to smile and nod? Except for IKWTDS, you had a good reason (very different situation, I know).
My dad would obsess over my car breaking whenever we be a cold snap. I listened to his scripted anxiety fueled lecture a zillion times. I was kind and let him go on and on and on until the last few years because I couldn't stand the harassment and insulting behavior my more. I hung in as long as I could with the old guy lol.
My dad would obsess over my car breaking whenever we be a cold snap. I listened to his scripted anxiety fueled lecture a zillion times. I was kind and let him go on and on and on until the last few years because I couldn't stand the harassment and insulting behavior my more. I hung in as long as I could with the old guy lol.
But scolding and lecturing is vastly different from repeatedly telling an amusing anecdote--or even a boring one.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
True husker. He would tell the same story about when he and Mom dated too but I loved it.
Trudy. You guys sure did hang in there with me. Good lord it was crazy!
The first time I visited my DH's family, there were several amusing little stories from his childhood that were shared. The same stories came up many times after that, and after 10 years of hearing them, I can tell the stories as if I were there. Sometimes it's DH that brings it up, sometimes his parents, sometimes his siblings. Sure it gets old sometimes, but I smile and listen anyway, because it is clear it's a great memory, one that makes them happy to remember and share.
Driving through DH's hometown, he often points out places and shares a memory about that place. Most of them, I have heard over the years. Sometimes he catches himself and apologizes because "I must have had to hear that a couple dozen times." Again, I smile and tell him to share away. I could get mad, or cut him off finishing the story. I do know how they end after all. But why? He clearly enjoys being able to reflect on this memories and share them with me. It makes him happy, and I am happy to oblige.
She seems to be taking this personally, and acting as though he is doing it to annoy her. He's just sharing fond memories while conversing with others. She happens to be there, but by her own letter, the stories are not directed at her. And really after 20 years, it would be more surprising that the same stories didn't get repeated at times. I think it's a bit selfish to say he can't share a story with someone new, just because she has already heard it.
__________________
"I have a very strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it." - Clint Eastwood
The first time I visited my DH's family, there were several amusing little stories from his childhood that were shared. The same stories came up many times after that, and after 10 years of hearing them, I can tell the stories as if I were there. Sometimes it's DH that brings it up, sometimes his parents, sometimes his siblings. Sure it gets old sometimes, but I smile and listen anyway, because it is clear it's a great memory, one that makes them happy to remember and share.
Driving through DH's hometown, he often points out places and shares a memory about that place. Most of them, I have heard over the years. Sometimes he catches himself and apologizes because "I must have had to hear that a couple dozen times." Again, I smile and tell him to share away. I could get mad, or cut him off finishing the story. I do know how they end after all. But why? He clearly enjoys being able to reflect on this memories and share them with me. It makes him happy, and I am happy to oblige.
She seems to be taking this personally, and acting as though he is doing it to annoy her. He's just sharing fond memories while conversing with others. She happens to be there, but by her own letter, the stories are not directed at her. And really after 20 years, it would be more surprising that the same stories didn't get repeated at times. I think it's a bit selfish to say he can't share a story with someone new, just because she has already heard it.
One of my best stories involves my brothers and two of my cousins. We always have a good time re-telling it, even if it's just among ourselves. It was a great memory of spending time with each other, and one of my brothers is now gone.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
