DEAR ABBY: I have been dating an alcoholic for three years. He recently entered a treatment program because after his last binge he tried to kill himself.
He seems to be committed to his program and staying sober. He has requested that I stay sober with him for at least a year.
While I’m fully committed to our relationship and support him, I don’t feel that it’s fair that I should have to completely forgo drinking because he has a problem. I’m not looking to go out and party every night — those days are over for me — but I’d like to enjoy an occasional beer with a friend or a glass of wine with my mom.
When I approached him about my doing so, he became upset. He said if I have this one exception, he believes the exceptions will continue and I will be at his old level of drinking.
Do you think his request is reasonable? — SOBER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR SOBER: That depends upon whether you, too, had an alcohol problem before your boyfriend joined the program and were his drinking buddy. If the answer is yes, I don’t think his request is unreasonable.
However, your boyfriend may be afraid that if you drink regularly, it may threaten his newfound sobriety. If that’s the case, if you love him, you should refrain for a year as he has requested.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
This letter is missing some vital information, like if they live together. I think it would be a reasonable request to keep alcohol out of the house if they live together, but if they don't, then that's not an issue.
But generally speaking, if she wants to enjoy a glass of wine or beer with friends when he's not around, that should not be a problem. I can see if she were constantly doing it while WITH him, but while visiting her mom?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
This letter is missing some vital information, like if they live together. I think it would be a reasonable request to keep alcohol out of the house if they live together, but if they don't, then that's not an issue.
But generally speaking, if she wants to enjoy a glass of wine or beer with friends when he's not around, that should not be a problem. I can see if she were constantly doing it while WITH him, but while visiting her mom?
These letters always leave out pertinent details!
But, if she is only a casual drinker & wants to do it when he's not around, I agree with LL.
It isn't 'reasonable or unreasonable". It is what he feels he needs to do to maintain his sobriety. And, if she doesn't want to abstain in his presence all of her life, then I suggest that she takes this as a sign that they are not right for each other and move on. Him too.
It irks me that Abby immediately assumed that the LW also has a problem.
It's a fair question, though.
flan
Why? Just because that's her opinion based on nothing?
The LW says:
I’m not looking to go out and party every night — those days are over for me.
Is she telling the truth?
flan
Well who cares? If she wants to drink and party, then she has to recognize that he simply cannot and cannot be around it. And, if that is part of her life that is important to her, then she needs to break up with him. And, he needs to find a nondrinker partner.
Assuming she is not a lush I would say it's unreasonable to expect her to abstain from it when not in his presence. I would say they are probably not a good fit.
Didn't someone on here have a bf that made a huge freakin deal if she had a few beers with other friends now and then? I find that behavior tedious and childish.
It irks me that Abby immediately assumed that the LW also has a problem.
It's a fair question, though.
flan
Why? Just because that's her opinion based on nothing?
The LW says:
I’m not looking to go out and party every night — those days are over for me.
Is she telling the truth?
flan
Well who cares? If she wants to drink and party, then she has to recognize that he simply cannot and cannot be around it. And, if that is part of her life that is important to her, then she needs to break up with him. And, he needs to find a nondrinker partner.
But that's not what she said.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
He is telling her point blank that he cannot be in a relationship with her if she drinks because it gets too close to him and he is afraid that will destroy his sobriety. There is no 'right or wrong'. He is telling her what is right for HIM. And, she is saying that what he wants is also not right for HER. So, I think that if that is truly his position, then they need to break up.
He is telling her point blank that he cannot be in a relationship with her if she drinks because it gets too close to him and he is afraid that will destroy his sobriety. There is no 'right or wrong'. He is telling her what is right for HIM. And, she is saying that what he wants is also not right for HER. So, I think that if that is truly his position, then they need to break up.
But that isn't what you said. You said "drink and party"--which the LW specifically says she's not into.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I really don't know what you are arguing. HE believes that in his mind. Who knows why? It's his issue. He can't handle it. You can say he is wrong, unreasonable or whatever and maybe he is. But, he told her very clearly, this is the boundary of my relationship. She can either hear that and move on or not. It isn't going to work.
I really don't know what you are arguing. HE believes that in his mind. Who knows why? It's his issue. He can't handle it. You can say he is wrong, unreasonable or whatever and maybe he is. But, he told her very clearly, this is the boundary of my relationship. She can either hear that and move on or not. It isn't going to work.
He doesn't want the relationship to end, either. Why is his way the "right" way and hers "wrong"? That's BS. His issues are not an excuse.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Nobody said he was "right". That is just how he chooses to operate in life. Obviously, he has to make a decision as well. And, if he can't maintain his sobriety because she has a glass of wine with her friend out at dinner when he isn't there, then what kind of life is that for her? He sounds pretty fragile so why even go forward with a relationship at this point?
I don't get what the hell difference it makes if she has a glass of wine with somebody else or on her own? I can see not having large gatherings where everybody is drinking but that is much different than a glass of wine with mom. What if she pours herself a glass of cranberry juice and it looks like wine? Is he going to start sniffing all of her glasses to make sure she complies?
I would agree to not have gatherings where everybody is drinking and I would not drink at meal time or any time we are having couple time. I would still have a glass of wine if I felt like it while reading, or in the tub or chatting with a friend. If he needs an absolute 0 policy, he is controlling.
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Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.
I don't get what the hell difference it makes if she has a glass of wine with somebody else or on her own? I can see not having large gatherings where everybody is drinking but that is much different than a glass of wine with mom. What if she pours herself a glass of cranberry juice and it looks like wine? Is he going to start sniffing all of her glasses to make sure she complies?
I would agree to not have gatherings where everybody is drinking and I would not drink at meal time or any time we are having couple time. I would still have a glass of wine if I felt like it while reading, or in the tub or chatting with a friend. If he needs an absolute 0 policy, he is controlling.
I can even see not having alcohol in their home, for at least that year.
Saying she can't drink a glass of wine or a few beers when he's not around, though, is ridiculous.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Well, it is but that is how he feels so that is the only information she can go on. Does she really want that to be a battleground all of her life?
No. Nip that **** in the bud now.
Say that she will refrain from drinking when he is around. She'll keep it out of the house. But she's not going to refrain when he isn't around because he's afraid she'll start "partying", again. That's more than a reasonable compromise. He can take it or leave it.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It also matters that this is just a boyfriend. Before marriage is when you are figuring out whether you are compatible. This issue may not make them suited for forever.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It also matters that this is just a boyfriend. Before marriage is when you are figuring out whether you are compatible. This issue may not make them suited for forever.
I agree. He may sound controlling, but my guess is he is trying to find out if she is truly an alcoholic in denial.
He's in early sobriety. That's a time when he needs to be extremely careful and put his sobriety before anything. Even before relationships.
Firstly, he needs to not have alcohol the substance in proximity to him because it's too much of a threat. She's willing to accommodate that. So in a way it sounds like she's being reasonable.
The second much larger issue is that many recovering alcoholics need to remove from their social circle friends and loved ones who are heavy drinkers or in-denial alcoholics. My ex and many other recovering alcoholics I know needed to change the cast of characters in their lives to protect their sobriety. Meaning they may have to completely stop hanging out with heavy drinkers because it's too much of a threat. I'm guessing this is the tree he is barking up.
My guess is he suspects she has a drinking problem. And he's testing her to see if she can give it up. That's actually the test I heard from a recovering alcoholic. If you can go without drinking for months at a time, and it's no big deal, take it or leave it, you are probably not an alcoholic. If you can't, you probably are. The lady doth protest too much, which indicates to me maybe she has an alcohol problem.
And of course it's not really cool for him to tell her she can't drink. But it's his perfect right to walk away from a relationship with someone whose habits threaten his sobriety.
Interesting that he said a year. That's a standard time frame in alcohol treatment and AA - they say don't make any major decisions (like divorce, marriage) for a year when you're in new sobriety. Maybe he's going to make a decision a year from now about whether they stay together.
I predict that if he's truly committed to his sobriety, he will give her up. Because she's clearly not willing to give up the drink. Better for him to end it now before they're married.
-- Edited by Blankie on Wednesday 6th of April 2016 10:59:52 AM
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No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are,
However, I don't care what the issue is--my way or the highway is not a good thing in a relationship.
If he WANTS to end it--fine, that's his option--but if he wants to stay in the relationship, then she has been more than willing to make a reasonable compromise here.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Everyone can do what they want, but personally, for ME, I would not have married someone with a known drinking problem. I grew up with an alcoholic mother - that would be a deal breaker for me.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
He is telling her point blank that he cannot be in a relationship with her if she drinks because it gets too close to him and he is afraid that will destroy his sobriety. There is no 'right or wrong'. He is telling her what is right for HIM. And, she is saying that what he wants is also not right for HER. So, I think that if that is truly his position, then they need to break up.
