TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: On call Grandma

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

We seem to forget that our parents are actual Human beings sometimes. And, with that they also have their own opinions, feelings, issues, etc. Not everyone is equipped to watch small children. YOU had them, now they are YOUR responsibility. My mom babysat my kids a lot. But, there is no way i would have ever put that on her full time. She wanted to watch them but she had health issues so i was sensitive to that and my kids were in daycare part time as well.

huskerbb · Guru

If she doesn't want to baby sit--then don't.

However, from the daughters POV, if she schedules something a month in advance and mom agrees to it, then backing out at the last minute would be very frustrating since--except for some grandparents--last minute sitters are not easy to find.

It has to be a two way street. Should grandma have to drop everything at the last minute to baby sit? No, of course not.

However, it can't just be on her "when I feel like it" schedule, either, because that is very difficult to plan for.

My guess is that the daughter will quit asking, and then grandma will be writing in about how she misses her grandkids and wishes she could baby sit once in a while.

sweet tooth · Member

huskerbb wrote:
If she doesn't want to baby sit--then don't.

However, from the daughters POV, if she schedules something a month in advance and mom agrees to it, then backing out at the last minute would be very frustrating since--except for some grandparents--last minute sitters are not easy to find.

It has to be a two way street. Should grandma have to drop everything at the last minute to baby sit? No, of course not.

However, it can't just be on her "when I feel like it" schedule, either, because that is very difficult to plan for.

My guess is that the daughter will quit asking, and then grandma will be writing in about how she misses her grandkids and wishes she could baby sit once in a while.

This. It has to be a two way street. So many times when there is a conflict between a parent and a grandparent, people automatically side with the grandparent whether that person is right or wrong. Age alone doesn't make you right. It kind of reminds me of liberals always siding with the black person in a conflict between a white and a black person. They just want to feel "compassionate" and "open-minded". Well sorry, but right is right and wrong is wrong. (I'm not saying the grandparent in this situation is always wrong, just that there is a bias in our society.)

huskerbb · Guru

Asking a MONTH in advance isn't really "on call", or "whoever she calls", either. It's scheduled way in advance.

Now, if it's not convenient for grandma--then say no at the time she asks. If health issues prevent her from doing this, then say no every time.

It's not really fair, however, to agree to it a month ahead of time and then back out the day of.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I guess I can see that however I believe the LW that she can't always predict being ill. I also think she should stop saying yes and really.... It wouldn't occur to me to keep asking anyone chronically ill to babysit. What's wrong with people?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Well, she also says daughter expects her to pick up the kids or watch them whenever she calls. She should be able to say no whenever she wants. But I do agree that she should honor the times she has already agreed to.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I do think she should honor prior commitments but if she ends up sick it happens. It's not her fault. I think she needs to stop doing it all together. And sorry the daughter is a jerk to expect this of her with her medical issues.

huskerbb · Guru

Mary Zombie wrote:
I do think she should honor prior commitments but if she ends up sick it happens. It's not her fault. I think she needs to stop doing it all together. And sorry the daughter is a jerk to expect this of her with her medical issues.

She needs to say no if she can't handle it. The daughter can't predict when she might not be feeling well, either.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Husker you always seem concerned with who is "right". Both are adults so they can each have theirown approach in life. Obviously she doesnt want to schedule a monthin advance so dont. If her health is day to day then it is what it is. So dont promise a month in advance then.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Husker you always seem concerned with who is "right". Both are adults so they can each have theirown approach in life. Obviously she doesnt want to schedule a monthin advance so dont. If her health is day to day then it is what it is. So dont promise a month in advance then.

Pretty much what I said.

Mary Zombie · Guru

The Daughter no doubt gets that she has an illness. She's an arse

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, do you really want someone watching your kids who doesn't really want too? I don't know that the daughter is an arse necessarily. Mom is still agreeing, then trying to back out. Stop being passive aggressive about it. Just say, sorry no can do.

huskerbb · Guru

As soon as she stops asking, grandma will be wondering why she hardly ever sees her grandkids.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
As soon as she stops asking, grandma will be wondering why she hardly ever sees her grandkids.

Truth!!

FNW · Guru

Life throws curveballs. There are days when my boys are scheduled to be with grandma. If someone gets sick, all bets are off. Parents have to learn to be flexible. Some times that means having to cancel plans.

Mary Zombie · Guru

So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .

huskerbb · Guru

Mary Zombie wrote:
So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .

LOL!!! So she should get to see them on her schedule? BS. It doesn't work that way. It has to be convenient for mom and the kids, too.

You want the grandparent to be able to make the very demands you assert the daughter should not be.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .
LOL!!! So she should get to see them on her schedule? BS. It doesn't work that way. It has to be convenient for mom and the kids, too.

You want the grandparent to be able to make the very demands you assert the daughter should not be.

OH, see. I think we are missing the "respect your elders" and "honor your mother and father" thing here.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, if you want to see your grandkids, then yes, you do have to make it convenient for mom and dad. Most likely mom and dad are crazy busy and maybe your life has slown down a bit. So, yes, i would figure it would be easier for me to make those accomodations for my own grandkids easier than it would be for my daughter or sons.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .
LOL!!! So she should get to see them on her schedule? BS. It doesn't work that way. It has to be convenient for mom and the kids, too.

You want the grandparent to be able to make the very demands you assert the daughter should not be.
OH, see. I think we are missing the "respect your elders" and "honor your mother and father" thing here.

BS. That does not mean the daughter is at moms beck and call any more than the reverse.

if she isn't babysitting, she will see them less. That's a fact.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, if you want to see your grandkids, then yes, you do have to make it convenient for mom and dad. Most likely mom and dad are crazy busy and maybe your life has slown down a bit. So, yes, i would figure it would be easier for me to make those accomodations for my own grandkids easier than it would be for my daughter or sons.

Exactly.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, if you want to see your grandkids, then yes, you do have to make it convenient for mom and dad. Most likely mom and dad are crazy busy and maybe your life has slown down a bit. So, yes, i would figure it would be easier for me to make those accomodations for my own grandkids easier than it would be for my daughter or sons.

I have no idea why you would think that. My life is crazier than ever. Hasn't slowed down a bit.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

You are missing his point. He is right. Because they are going to fall into a new routine taking the kids elsewhere. And, a lot of the time my mom spent with my kids was while DH and i were working. I dont see where she threatened grandma in any way. It's just reality. If there is less reason to go to grandma's then there is less reason to go to grandma's.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, if you want to see your grandkids, then yes, you do have to make it convenient for mom and dad. Most likely mom and dad are crazy busy and maybe your life has slown down a bit. So, yes, i would figure it would be easier for me to make those accomodations for my own grandkids easier than it would be for my daughter or sons.
I have no idea why you would think that. My life is crazier than ever. Hasn't slowed down a bit.

Well, yer just insane so you are don't count! biggrin

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, if you want to see your grandkids, then yes, you do have to make it convenient for mom and dad. Most likely mom and dad are crazy busy and maybe your life has slown down a bit. So, yes, i would figure it would be easier for me to make those accomodations for my own grandkids easier than it would be for my daughter or sons.
I have no idea why you would think that. My life is crazier than ever. Hasn't slowed down a bit.
Well, yer just insane so you are don't count!

Well, this IS true... wink

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.

It has nothing to do with the "relationship" and everything to do with logistics.

Its a fact that if she doesn't babysit--she'll see the grandkids less. It takes away a huge reason mom schleps the kids over there. It now becomes another chore that mom needs to find time to do amongst a hundred other things that must be done during the week.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
You are missing his point. He is right. Because they are going to fall into a new routine taking the kids elsewhere. And, a lot of the time my mom spent with my kids was while DH and i were working. I dont see where she threatened grandma in any way. It's just reality. If there is less reason to go to grandma's then there is less reason to go to grandma's.

Exactly. Instead of "mom, can you babysit Thursday", it becomes "honey, I'd love to see the kids Saturday afternoon".

well, this kid has soccer that day, I need to get groceries, the dog needs to go to the vet, so I don't have time.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Exactly.

huskerbb · Guru

Heck, my mom went down to Louisiana this week to help out with her great grandchild while (hopefully) the second one is born.

and her knees are shot.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Tuesday 5th of April 2016 01:27:37 PM

Mary Zombie · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.

I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty

huskerbb · Guru

Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty

NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yes, it will just happen. As husker said. Not intentionally but just because of logistics.

ladyloonatic · Regular

I don't think the issue is about whether or not the grandmother wants to spend time with the grandkids. As someone with rheumatoid arthritis, I certainly understand grandmother's situation. When you hurt so much you can barely get to the bathroom, you can't be looking after children, and the pain does come and go.

I think the solution could be that grandma be called on as a last minute sitter, then only if she feels up to it. If the occassion is several weeks off, the daughter should be able to make other arrangements. With grandmothers health issues, she is unable to make a committment for the future.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I understand the health issues. And, i have said, that you should be sensitive to whether your mother can handle an infant or small children. Not everyone ages well. Some people do have chronic conditions. However, if you want to see your grandkids you also have to make that effort. My mom would jump in the car at a moment's notice, in the middle of the night, whenever and whereever. My MIL and FIL made very little effort whatsoever. So, yes, my mom saw a great deal of our kids. My IL's not much at all. In fact, my kids have no real memories of the IL's but a lot of warm, fond memories of my parents.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I understand the health issues. And, i have said, that you should be sensitive to whether your mother can handle an infant or small children. Not everyone ages well. Some people do have chronic conditions. However, if you want to see your grandkids you also have to make that effort. My mom would jump in the car at a moment's notice, in the middle of the night, whenever and whereever. My MIL and FIL made very little effort whatsoever. So, yes, my mom saw a great deal of our kids. My IL's not much at all. In fact, my kids have no real memories of the IL's but a lot of warm, fond memories of my parents.

Exactly. Effort has to go both ways.

My moms knees aren't such that she really wanted to negotiate busy airports--but she didn't hesitate.

sweet tooth · Member

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
It has nothing to do with the "relationship" and everything to do with logistics.
Its a fact that if she doesn't babysit--she'll see the grandkids less. It takes away a huge reason mom schleps the kids over there. It now becomes another chore that mom needs to find time to do amongst a hundred other things that must be done during the week.

This. Working parents are extremely busy. They don't need another chore on their list, they need help. Grandparents, who might be retired, or who at least don't have to worry about the schedules and needs of their children anymore, should be the more flexible ones because they have time to breathe.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And, just being older, you understand the stress of young mothers.

sweet tooth · Member

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .
LOL!!! So she should get to see them on her schedule? BS. It doesn't work that way. It has to be convenient for mom and the kids, too.

You want the grandparent to be able to make the very demands you assert the daughter should not be.
OH, see. I think we are missing the "respect your elders" and "honor your mother and father" thing here.

LL, I usually agree with you but I don't think "respect your elders" means that the elders can be inconsiderate of everyone else. Again, I'm not saying the grandmother should watch the kids when she's not feeling up to it. But maybe at least try to give the mother more advance notice or something. When my kids have kids, I'm not going to expect to be catered to just because I'm older. I will help my kids if I am able to. Older people should be wiser, not just an older version of a self centered teenager.

sweet tooth · Member

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, just being older, you understand the stress of young mothers.

yes!!!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

sweet tooth wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .
LOL!!! So she should get to see them on her schedule? BS. It doesn't work that way. It has to be convenient for mom and the kids, too.

You want the grandparent to be able to make the very demands you assert the daughter should not be.
OH, see. I think we are missing the "respect your elders" and "honor your mother and father" thing here.
LL, I usually agree with you but I don't think "respect your elders" means that the elders can be inconsiderate of everyone else. Again, I'm not saying the grandmother should watch the kids when she's not feeling up to it. But maybe at least try to give the mother more advance notice or something. When my kids have kids, I'm not going to expect to be catered to just because I'm older. I will help my kids if I am able to. Older people should be wiser, not just an older version of a self centered teenager.

Where did I say it does? I said she shouldn't cancel at the last minute. But everyone seems to be ignoring the first sentence of the letter where it says daughter thinks she should be available whenever she calls, and saying Grandma needs to babysit or not get to see the grandkids.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

sweet tooth wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
It has nothing to do with the "relationship" and everything to do with logistics.
Its a fact that if she doesn't babysit--she'll see the grandkids less. It takes away a huge reason mom schleps the kids over there. It now becomes another chore that mom needs to find time to do amongst a hundred other things that must be done during the week.
This. Working parents are extremely busy. They don't need another chore on their list, they need help. Grandparents, who might be retired, or who at least don't have to worry about the schedules and needs of their children anymore, should be the more flexible ones because they have time to breathe.

Why does everyone always assume grandparents are retired and at peoples' beck and call?

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
It has nothing to do with the "relationship" and everything to do with logistics.
Its a fact that if she doesn't babysit--she'll see the grandkids less. It takes away a huge reason mom schleps the kids over there. It now becomes another chore that mom needs to find time to do amongst a hundred other things that must be done during the week.
This. Working parents are extremely busy. They don't need another chore on their list, they need help. Grandparents, who might be retired, or who at least don't have to worry about the schedules and needs of their children anymore, should be the more flexible ones because they have time to breathe.
Why does everyone always assume grandparents are retired and at peoples' beck and call?

RIGHT?????? I am far busier than my kids! That's not going to change anytime soon...

sweet tooth · Member

Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
So the grandma with a chronic condition doesn't get to see her grandkids unless she does the heavy lifting and is at the daughters beck and call? I would wonder where I failed at parenting such a brat .
LOL!!! So she should get to see them on her schedule? BS. It doesn't work that way. It has to be convenient for mom and the kids, too.

You want the grandparent to be able to make the very demands you assert the daughter should not be.
OH, see. I think we are missing the "respect your elders" and "honor your mother and father" thing here.
LL, I usually agree with you but I don't think "respect your elders" means that the elders can be inconsiderate of everyone else. Again, I'm not saying the grandmother should watch the kids when she's not feeling up to it. But maybe at least try to give the mother more advance notice or something. When my kids have kids, I'm not going to expect to be catered to just because I'm older. I will help my kids if I am able to. Older people should be wiser, not just an older version of a self centered teenager.
Where did I say it does? I said she shouldn't cancel at the last minute. But everyone seems to be ignoring the first sentence of the letter where it says daughter thinks she should be available whenever she calls, and saying Grandma needs to babysit or not get to see the grandkids.

If the daughter thinks the grandmother should always be available then the daughter is wrong. The grandmother has a life too. But I do think grandparents should help sometimes, because raising kids and working at the same time is just about the most stressful and demanding period of people's lives. If there's ever a time an adult needs help, it's when they are trying to do it all. And another thing to consider is in 20 or so years when everyone is older and the grandparents need more help, their kids (the grandparents adult kids) will be more inclined to help them if they received help in their time of need. They won't resent it, but they might if they were never helped. It's human nature.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.

So their time is more important than hers?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Husker you always seem concerned with who is "right". Both are adults so they can each have theirown approach in life. Obviously she doesnt want to schedule a monthin advance so dont. If her health is day to day then it is what it is. So dont promise a month in advance then.
Pretty much what I said.

Well, she knows Mom's condition, she shouldn't be expecting her to commit a month in advance.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

sweet tooth wrote:

If the daughter thinks the grandmother should always be available then the daughter is wrong. The grandmother has a life too. But I do think grandparents should help sometimes, because raising kids and working at the same time is just about the most stressful and demanding period of people's lives. If there's ever a time an adult needs help, it's when they are trying to do it all. And another thing to consider is in 20 or so years when everyone is older and the grandparents need more help, their kids (the grandparents adult kids) will be more inclined to help them if they received help in their time of need. They won't resent it, but they might if they were never helped. It's human nature.

Wow. Sweet tooth, I really just can't understand the attitude that expects grand-parents to help raise my child. They raised their kids. And to say that if grandparents don't help raise grand-kids they shouldn't expect any help from their own kids without resentment rather blows me away. I guess the entitled generation started earlier than I thought.

And believe it or not, there are lots of people that don't have the option of grandparents being at their beck and call and they manage just fine.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
I agree. And I never said the grandmother should make demands but to withhold her seeing the kids at all because she is physically unable to babysit would be sh.itty
NO ONE said "withhold". It's a matter of time.
So their time is more important than hers?

She's the one who wants to see her grandkids, presumably, so yes, it's on their schedule.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
sweet tooth wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Parents who are grandparents are not your baby-sitting servants. And to predicate a relationship between grandparents and grandkids on the willingness of the grandparents to babysit rather makes one an ass.
It has nothing to do with the "relationship" and everything to do with logistics.
Its a fact that if she doesn't babysit--she'll see the grandkids less. It takes away a huge reason mom schleps the kids over there. It now becomes another chore that mom needs to find time to do amongst a hundred other things that must be done during the week.
This. Working parents are extremely busy. They don't need another chore on their list, they need help. Grandparents, who might be retired, or who at least don't have to worry about the schedules and needs of their children anymore, should be the more flexible ones because they have time to breathe.
Why does everyone always assume grandparents are retired and at peoples' beck and call?

I'm a grandparent. I am very busy. However, if I want to see my grandkids, that's incumbent upon me to make time in my schedule. That's the way it is.