Dear Amy: I am the mother of 21- and 19-year-old daughters. They are both in very self-absorbed stages — the older more than the younger.
I have tried to encourage them to think generously and empathetically about others, but my oldest’s self-absorbed attitudes toward myself and family members have been the subject of family concern for eight or nine years now.
I have frequently had to intervene with people who are unhappy with her sarcasm and snarky attitude. My husband sits back and does nothing, even if I talk to him.
I have recently been diagnosed with stage III breast cancer. I’ve told both of my daughters. Despite my diagnosis, I still find myself having to cut through my oldest daughter’s lies and try to help her solve/figure out major issues in her life.
Recently, I opened my computer and found she had left her Facebook page open. I read her messages to her sister, about how “stark raving bonkers” I am.
It is a shock and a heartbreak to see how she speaks about me, despite all of my efforts to help her.
I am tempted to give up. I need to focus on my recovery, but my heart is breaking that my daughter has grown up to be so self-absorbed.
I have worked so hard to love and care for her. I’ve endured all her teenage issues. How do I deal with this child? How do I deal with my husband, who refuses to get involved? — Heartbroken
DETROIT FREE PRESS
Mom wants to avoid turning son into 'mama's boy'
Dear Heartbroken: It is possible that your behavior up until now has actually enabled your daughter to be more of a jerk. Why are you explaining or apologizing to people for her offenses? Is it because you are embarrassed to have raised a daughter who lacks the qualities you prize? If so, you should say, “I’m very embarrassed — but I can’t clean up her messes.”
I realize that this is disappointing. But — for a variety of reasons, your daughter is an obnoxious and selfish knucklehead. Surely you knew this before you clicked onto her private messages for confirmation? And — by the way, these messages were unkind, but this is EXACTLY the way the Kardashian daughters talk to and about their mother. This is immature and obnoxious but should NOT be taken as gospel.
Concentrate on those things you can control — your health care, your positive relationships, your clean closet. Let the rest go. Not all horrible 21-year-olds grow into horrible adults. Give your daughter the good news: She will now be responsible for her own actions. Yay!
In addition to your own powerlessness, the stress you are taking on is very bad for your health. If you ask your husband to do specific things — other than trying to control the lack of empathy and character of an adolescent — he might rise to the occasion.
Ya know--I think mom is a little self-absorbed here, too.
It's all about how SHE wants her daughter to be different. How SHE has tried to"help" her. How SHE wants her daughter to act now that the LW has cancer. How SHE is frustrated that her husband won't do what she thinks he needs to do here.
I'm sure the daughter is a self-absorbed twit--I just think maybe it runs in the family to a degree.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If I overheard my daughter calling me a "stark raving bonkers" while I was recovering from cancer, I would drag her down to some hospital so the daughter can witness the sadness of family of cancer patients, the weakness of cancer patients, just the dread of it all. I would then tell her to kick herself in the ass and hope she can forgive herself for being such a pompous, self absorbed ass. Oh and fund only the bare necessities for her.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
If I overheard my daughter calling me a "stark raving bonkers" while I was recovering from cancer, I would drag her down to some hospital so the daughter can witness the sadness of family of cancer patients, the weakness of cancer patients, just the dread of it all. I would then tell her to kick herself in the ass and hope she can forgive herself for being such a pompous, self absorbed ass. Oh and fund only the bare necessities for her.
She's 19. She can learn what it means not to have to live with a stark raving mad cancer patient.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
If I overheard my daughter calling me a "stark raving bonkers" while I was recovering from cancer, I would drag her down to some hospital so the daughter can witness the sadness of family of cancer patients, the weakness of cancer patients, just the dread of it all. I would then tell her to kick herself in the ass and hope she can forgive herself for being such a pompous, self absorbed ass. Oh and fund only the bare necessities for her.
She's 19. She can learn what it means not to have to live with a stark raving mad cancer patient.
I would remind her of that fact as well.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
The OP has spent 19 years creating the monster before her. It's foolish to think that withholding money will fix it now. Likely, it will cause the daughter to rant and rave and nothing will change at all.
The OP is now dealing with a situation she made. Why is she complaining?! Children don't suddenly change at age 19. They are the people we have taught them to be.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Considering the two self absorbed teens and the father that has checked out, I would be tempted to simply leave the toxic environment and find a happy place where I could take care of ME by MYSELF, instead of worrying over how to fix the dBag family.
