Q. Maybe bi, definitely married: I was raised in a very strictly religious household, and I only ever dated guys in high school and college (I’m female). However, there were many times I felt myself being attracted to some of my female friends—though I always shut those feelings down, out of fear of how my family would respond. Today I’m married to the love of my life—a man. We’ve been married almost two years, and I’m completely satisfied mentally, emotionally, and physically. Ironically, though (in part because I’m finally in a secure relationship for the first time in my life), I don’t feel nervous about my sexuality. I want to make peace with my past (and perhaps current) attractions to women, but I have no desire to be disloyal to my husband. How would I start trying to figure out whether I’m bisexual without experimenting? Is it even worth it at this point? And would I be obligated to tell anyone but my husband about this if I do manage to decide one way or another?
A: You can be bisexual without “experimenting” in the same way someone else can be heterosexual and a virgin. Being bisexual and being in an open marriage (or a marriage with the occasional hall passes) are two very different things. If there’s one thing I’d like to reassure you of, it’s this: “Bisexuality” and “disloyalty” to your husband are not the same thing. You may decide you want to sleep with or date women in the context of an open marriage. You may decide you are bisexual but perfectly satisfied in your monogamous relationship. You may, at some point, meet a woman you would like to be monogamous with. I don’t know what being bisexual will look like for you, because it’s different for everyone (there’s that rich tapestry of life again!), but I can tell you that you’re not “doomed” to cheat on your husband just because you’re bisexual.
Bisexuality doesn’t disappear just because you’re in a monogamous relationship; if you were with a woman, you wouldn’t necessarily be a lesbian, and just because you’re with your husband, that doesn’t make you straight. You’re coming to this realization about yourself now because you were pressured for so long into pretending you were heterosexual; grant yourself a great deal of time and space to figure this out.
Acknowledging your sexuality is always worth it, at any point, at any age. You’re not obligated to tell anyone you’re bisexual if you think his or her response will be hostile or biphobic, but you absolutely can tell anyone you like; it’s not the same thing as announcing you’re no longer in love with or interested in being faithful to your husband. You’re simply providing friends and family more accurate information, like a software update.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
She does say that one can be married and bi--but then she flippantly presents option such as an open marriage (which, apparently, her husband has no say in), or monogamy with a woman (which, by default, would end the marriage)--as nonchalantly (and she even says it) as "updating software".
That is BS. When you take marriage vows, you take vows to think about someone other than yourself. To put THEM first, even.
Discover your sexuality all you want--but when you are married, options for discovery are necessarily confined to what would be acceptable in that marriage.
If you don't want those limitations--don't get married.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
The LW contradicts herself. On the one hand, she is happily married. On the other, she wants to explore. Can't have it both ways, toots. And nu-pru is a whack job.
She says she can be bi-sexual and in a monogamous relationship with her husband. I think what she was trying to say is that it's ok that she has these feelings and that their are many outcomes. She could stay happily married forever to her husband or maybe her and her husband will have an arrangement. I think the whole thing was worded poorly.
Personally, i think being bi is just a bustop away from gaytown and she probably should have figured this stuff out before getting married.
She says she can be bi-sexual and in a monogamous relationship with her husband. I think what she was trying to say is that it's ok that she has these feelings and that their are many outcomes. She could stay happily married forever to her husband or maybe her and her husband will have an arrangement. I think the whole thing was worded poorly.
Personally, i think being bi is just a bustop away from gaytown and she probably should have figured this stuff out before getting married.
It may be ok to have certain feelings--an open marriage that the husband will probably not be up for, or, worse, ditching him for another person should NOT be the "go to" options which NuPru laid them out to be.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
And going around telling people you are bisexual when you are MARRIED to someone is just disrespectful. Damn, I can't stand this new Prudie. Marriage is supposed to mean something.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It's the liberal attitude. Hate to politicize it. But hey let's feel free to make it all about our selves, our fears, doubts, and wanting to experiment and totally disregard the person we committed to for life.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
"You can be bisexual without “experimenting” in the same way someone else can be heterosexual and a virgin. Being bisexual and being in an open marriage (or a marriage with the occasional hall passes) are two very different things. If there’s one thing I’d like to reassure you of, it’s this: “Bisexuality” and “disloyalty” to your husband are not the same thing. You may decide you want to sleep with or date women in the context of an open marriage. You may decide you are bisexual but perfectly satisfied in your monogamous relationship."
This sounds sensible, and not at all like she is encouraging her to cheat.
"You can be bisexual without “experimenting” in the same way someone else can be heterosexual and a virgin. Being bisexual and being in an open marriage (or a marriage with the occasional hall passes) are two very different things. If there’s one thing I’d like to reassure you of, it’s this: “Bisexuality” and “disloyalty” to your husband are not the same thing. You may decide you want to sleep with or date women in the context of an open marriage. You may decide you are bisexual but perfectly satisfied in your monogamous relationship."
This sounds sensible, and not at all like she is encouraging her to cheat.
Bull. "You may decide" mentions NOTHING about her husband's feelings on the matter. No consideration is given to him at all. It's all about what she may decide, and whether she wants to remain monogamous. She is MARRIED. It's not all about her.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
"You can be bisexual without “experimenting” in the same way someone else can be heterosexual and a virgin. Being bisexual and being in an open marriage (or a marriage with the occasional hall passes) are two very different things. If there’s one thing I’d like to reassure you of, it’s this: “Bisexuality” and “disloyalty” to your husband are not the same thing. You may decide you want to sleep with or date women in the context of an open marriage. You may decide you are bisexual but perfectly satisfied in your monogamous relationship."
This sounds sensible, and not at all like she is encouraging her to cheat.
WTF are you babbling about????
She directly states that "you may decide you want to sleep with or date women in the context of an open marriage"--with ZERO idea of whether the husband would at all be into that.
You also forgot to include this little gem in your quote:
You may, at some point, meet a woman you would like to be monogamous with.
Which IS either condoning cheating--or encouraging her to end her marriage.
-- Edited by huskerbb on Tuesday 19th of April 2016 10:25:19 PM
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
