Dear Amy: Because of a job opportunity with the company he works for, my son and his wife will leave the country for at least three years.
I am devastated over this move. We are very close. His wife is a sweetheart. They live nearby, and we see each other often, visiting each other’s homes.
It is bad enough that he is moving to a foreign country, but this country has recently had terrorist activities, where innocent people have lost their lives. So not only do I feel sad, but I now fear for their safety. Three years is an eternity to me. I cry constantly and sometimes have a hard time even getting out of bed in the morning to go to work.
To make matters worse, my mother passed away six months ago, and I am still reeling over that loss because we were so close.
How can I accept a situation that I can’t change and still be able to live life? Everyone I know says this is a wonderful opportunity for them.
I don’t see it that way. And if I hear “There’s terrorism everywhere” one more time I will scream! How do I get through this?
Pained Mother
Pained Mother: You get through this the way we are each forced to get through anything — one day at a time. This is obviously very hard on you, and the recent loss of your mother has no doubt intensified your loss now. Understanding that these two challenges are intertwined might help you to sort through your feelings. Your concerns about terrorism are understandable, but not necessarily rational — certainly because terrorist acts also happen in this country.
You should ask your son to describe his opportunity. Where will they live? What does he hope it will be like? Look at a map and/or Google a street view of his workplace and prospective housing. Plan a visit (the nice thing about visiting people overseas is that the visits tend to be long, fun and interesting).
I lived overseas for five years. There is no question that this is challenging for everyone, but — if you can’t embrace this choice, then you simply must accept it and cope with your grief in positive ways — preferably through talking with others who are also experiencing grief. If your depression doesn’t seem to lift — or gets worse, get a referral for a therapist immediately.
