Q. Should I tell?: My niece has a baby boy and a daughter who is 3. She has since moved across the country to be near her husband’s family. My sister desperately wants to see her only grandchildren, but other than flying out for the birth, my niece keeps saying it isn’t the right time for another visit. I am closer to my niece, and when I asked about it, she asked me if I remembered how she was treated as a child compared with her brother. She unleashed a floodgate of built-up resentment and remembrance. She said she wouldn’t let her children be treated the same way and that is why they moved across country—not for work, but to get away from us. I was stunned, but while I want to deny my niece’s accusations, I do remember several incidents where my nephew was overly favored: He got the old family car first despite his sister being older; he got openly drunk while underage, whereas I remember my sister slapping my niece for stealing a glass of wine at the same age; etc. But I think my niece needs to get over it. Her mother loves her and has cried to me over missing her grandchildren. I am troubled about what to do. Should I tell my sister? Tell my niece how she is killing her mother? Talk to my nephew and see if he couldn’t intervene?
A: Do nothing. This isn’t your daughter, and this isn’t your mother. No one is required to intervene because your niece has every right to determine how often and in what context she spends time with her own parents; she told you that she moved across the country to get away from her abusive childhood, and you yourself are able to remember numerous instances where she was pushed aside in favor of her brother. You think she should get over it, but luckily what you think doesn’t affect what she gets to do in the slightest. It’s a shame that your sister is able to cry for herself but can’t see the ways in which she hurt her daughter. It’s your sister’s relationship to mend. Right now, your sister isn’t sorry for what she’s done, only that she’s experiencing consequences for her actions. You can’t force your niece into forgiving her mother when her mother has not yet done the hard work of apologizing and trying to make amends.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Not sure what there is to tell. Her mother really needs to call her and have a frank conversation. Maybe she has. Maybe she has tried and the niece just doesn't want a relationship. There really isn't anything to do per se.
It sounds like her mom has never acknowledged how she treated the daughter vs. the brother. Frankly I don't have much sympathy for the mom, this is 'killing her' but I imagine it was a lot harder on the daughter to grow up that way. I wouldn't want to risk setting my kids up for one being openly favored over the other either (I know people don't agree, but I think that type of treatment is incredibly hurtful and harmful to children).
If she wants to do anything, apologizing would be the place to start to show the daughter she recognizes the problem and wont repeat it with her grandchildren.
It sounds like her mom has never acknowledged how she treated the daughter vs. the brother. Frankly I don't have much sympathy for the mom, this is 'killing her' but I imagine it was a lot harder on the daughter to grow up that way. I wouldn't want to risk setting my kids up for one being openly favored over the other either (I know people don't agree, but I think that type of treatment is incredibly hurtful and harmful to children).
If she wants to do anything, apologizing would be the place to start to show the daughter she recognizes the problem and wont repeat it with her grandchildren.
You know what? Perhaps the only salvation for this relationship is for the sister to level with mom and tell her how badly she treated her daughter. Unless this mom makes amends she will not have a good relationship with her daughter or grandchildren.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
It sounds like her mom has never acknowledged how she treated the daughter vs. the brother. Frankly I don't have much sympathy for the mom, this is 'killing her' but I imagine it was a lot harder on the daughter to grow up that way. I wouldn't want to risk setting my kids up for one being openly favored over the other either (I know people don't agree, but I think that type of treatment is incredibly hurtful and harmful to children).
If she wants to do anything, apologizing would be the place to start to show the daughter she recognizes the problem and wont repeat it with her grandchildren.
You know what? Perhaps the only salvation for this relationship is for the sister to level with mom and tell her how badly she treated her daughter. Unless this mom makes amends she will not have a good relationship with her daughter or grandchildren.
Yep! Dealing with that right now....
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Well, it couldn't hurt to encourage her to make amends and apologize to her daughter. The relationship is already nonexistent so why not? And, the mother needs to send cards, gifts for the kids, and write letters of apology, love and encouragement.
It's the parent/grandparent who generally wants the relationship with their child/grandchildren, so it is incumbent upon them to make that happen, not the other way around. We've seen it over and over on here. Parents and grandparents who ruin their relationship with their children in some way--and then are surprised when their children, and by extension their grandchildren--don't want anything to do with them.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It's the parent/grandparent who generally wants the relationship with their child/grandchildren, so it is incumbent upon them to make that happen, not the other way around. We've seen it over and over on here. Parents and grandparents who ruin their relationship with their children in some way--and then are surprised when their children, and by extension their grandchildren--don't want anything to do with them.
Yes. They think that just having the title of parent or grandparent means that nothing wrong that they do should or will have any consequences.
It doesn't matter is you are mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, dhild, etc. You don't get to treat people like crap and get away with it just because they are family.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It doesn't matter is you are mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, dhild, etc. You don't get to treat people like crap and get away with it just because they are family.
That all depends on who wants the relationship more.
It might be unfortunate, but if a "mom" treats a grandma badly--how grandma handles that could greatly affect access to any grandchildren.
Sure, she can sit at home and wait until "mom" apologizes--which will happen about the same time hell freezes over or her grandchildren graduate, whichever comes first, but in the meantime, she may forfeit YEARS of a relationship with her grandchildren.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It sounds like her mom has never acknowledged how she treated the daughter vs. the brother. Frankly I don't have much sympathy for the mom, this is 'killing her' but I imagine it was a lot harder on the daughter to grow up that way. I wouldn't want to risk setting my kids up for one being openly favored over the other either (I know people don't agree, but I think that type of treatment is incredibly hurtful and harmful to children).
If she wants to do anything, apologizing would be the place to start to show the daughter she recognizes the problem and wont repeat it with her grandchildren.
I think she would not have a clue why the daughter was angry even if someone explained it to her. Would probably justify her past behavior through some kind of excuse. Never occurred to her that she was treating one child unfairly. And not ready to own up to it now.
My youngest brother was the favorite, but I never held that kind of a grudge. Mom was a product of her upbringing, and always felt HER younger sister was the favorite.
I actually understood my brother being the favorite because he fit in better than I ever did.
Now, with my boys, I call each of them "my favorite," often in front of the other.
It doesn't matter is you are mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, dhild, etc. You don't get to treat people like crap and get away with it just because they are family.
That all depends on who wants the relationship more.
It might be unfortunate, but if a "mom" treats a grandma badly--how grandma handles that could greatly affect access to any grandchildren.
Sure, she can sit at home and wait until "mom" apologizes--which will happen about the same time hell freezes over or her grandchildren graduate, whichever comes first, but in the meantime, she may forfeit YEARS of a relationship with her grandchildren.
If that is the case, then you've raised a disrespectful brat.
However, if my child decided to use my grandchildren as emotional blackmail, I'd be making sure not to get too attached.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
No. If that were the case, Aunt would have said something a very long time ago.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It doesn't matter is you are mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, dhild, etc. You don't get to treat people like crap and get away with it just because they are family.
That all depends on who wants the relationship more.
It might be unfortunate, but if a "mom" treats a grandma badly--how grandma handles that could greatly affect access to any grandchildren.
Sure, she can sit at home and wait until "mom" apologizes--which will happen about the same time hell freezes over or her grandchildren graduate, whichever comes first, but in the meantime, she may forfeit YEARS of a relationship with her grandchildren.
If that is the case, then you've raised a disrespectful brat.
However, if my child decided to use my grandchildren as emotional blackmail, I'd be making sure not to get too attached.
That's up to you.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
No. If that were the case, Aunt would have said something a very long time ago.
From the OP, it seems that Aunt only recently found out how her niece feels.
Frankly, from the few details, her childhood doesn't sound abusive, as was claimed.
flan
We don't get to decide that--or the aunt. Plus, even if we would not view it as "abusive" does not mean there weren't parts that weren't unppeasant or that mom doesn't have to do some atonement for.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I'm not sure whether I would butt out or fess up to mom. Perhaps if she is at least aware of "why" she isn't being included, she can try to make amends. But I wouldn't tell her they moved across the country to get away....I would tell her that based on personal observation only, she wasn't always very nice to her daughter, favoring her son, and perhaps this is why.......food for thought, without tattling on her niece.
I'm not sure whether I would butt out or fess up to mom. Perhaps if she is at least aware of "why" she isn't being included, she can try to make amends. But I wouldn't tell her they moved across the country to get away....I would tell her that based on personal observation only, she wasn't always very nice to her daughter, favoring her son, and perhaps this is why.......food for thought, without tattling on her niece.
Many people treat boys differently than girls. She's carrying around a lot of resentment, and it doesn't sound like she has talked to her mother about it.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Many people treat boys differently than girls. She's carrying around a lot of resentment, and it doesn't sound like she has talked to her mother about it.
Yep. I treated my son far differently than I did my daughter. I parented them based on the personalities, strengths, and weaknesses...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Many people treat boys differently than girls. She's carrying around a lot of resentment, and it doesn't sound like she has talked to her mother about it.
This I agree with. It may not truLY do any good--I'm sure mom will deny it--but how can she expect mom to make amends if mom has no idea what she is mad about?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Many people treat boys differently than girls. She's carrying around a lot of resentment, and it doesn't sound like she has talked to her mother about it.
This I agree with. It may not truLY do any good--I'm sure mom will deny it--but how can she expect mom to make amends if mom has no idea what she is mad about?
My brother says he was treated differently from me.
Each of my kids have said the same thing to me.
Doesn't mean favoritism.
It means each kid is different.
The examples given do not scream "favorite" to me.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I understand all to well the favorites and how it effects you. Likely the mother would say she didn't remember that or that the daughter was too sensitive. It's not healthy to hold onto anger but I can't home her for taking her in small doses.
The examples do indicate a favorite, but not (as the response states) abuse.
flan
No. It doesnt.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
