Dear Prudence, When I met my boyfriend (who doesn’t have kids) four years ago, my twins were only 1. He is a wonderful guy and the only dad they’ve ever known, and we’re in it for the long haul. Here’s the problem: He absolutely refuses to let them call him “Dad” or “Daddy.” They call him by his first name, but refer to him as “my dad” (which he doesn’t mind). However, they often ask if they’re allowed to call him “Dad,” and he won’t let them and won’t really explain why. I know he loves them, but it makes my kids sad that they can’t call him by what he means to them. When I asked my boyfriend, he said he prefers to be called his real name. What should I do?
—Just Jim, Thanks
If it’s simply a matter of preference, I would think your twins’ desire to call the only man they’ve known as their father “Dad” would win out over your boyfriend’s wish to go by his first name. The fact that he absolutely refuses to budge suggests to me there’s something more to his resistance. That’s not to say he’s secretly planning to abandon your family or doesn’t love your children, but I do think it merits further conversation between the two of you, without the children present. Given that they want to call him Dad, and he’s clearly taken that role in their lives, why would he want to refuse them? If there is an underlying concern about his place in your family, or if he’s deeply attached to the idea of biological fatherhood, you two can address this together, and hopefully put his fears to rest. If it stems from a reluctance to think of your children as a part of his family, you might have bigger problems.
I presume the kids have a biological father. So, he doesn't want them to call him dad. She can either accept that or not but she can't force that on him.
I also would like to know why the biological dad is absent. Mom may be denying dio-dad access to his kids or he doesn't care. Either way the boyfriend is right to step back since they are not married.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
People want to pretend that biology doesn't matter. But, it does. I think that some have a harder time with this than others. I think she is focusing on the wrong things. He apparently loves the children and cares for them. Obviously he is doing a heck of a lot more than Bio dad. So, get off his back. But, have a sit down between him and the kids and let THEM figure it out. She should butt out and let them work it out. And, BTW, they aren't married. So, if you want to play house with people you don't get to dictate all the terms.
Apparently he really isn't in it for the long haul, contrary to her beliefs.
She says he's a wonderful guy, and that he may be. But after four years, no marriage and refusal to take on the title of Dad to her children would give me pause.
Apparently he really isn't in it for the long haul, contrary to her beliefs.
She says he's a wonderful guy, and that he may be. But after four years, no marriage and refusal to take on the title of Dad to her children would give me pause.
I don't agree with that. He doens't have to take the title of Dad. They have a dad. He apparently treats them and her well. She is making an issue out of a nonissue. He just isn't comfortable with that. Doesn't mean he doesn't love them or her. But, if she wants to blow up a good relationship and possibly imagine all kind of malicious intent everywhere, then go for it.
They are not married. Since she still calls him her "boyfriend" not fiance shows that they haven't talked about marriage even though they have been together 4 years. I may be cynical , but it doesn't sound like he is sure he wants to make a permanent commitment to her or her children so he is uncomfortable being called daddy.
Apparently he really isn't in it for the long haul, contrary to her beliefs.
She says he's a wonderful guy, and that he may be. But after four years, no marriage and refusal to take on the title of Dad to her children would give me pause.
I don't agree with that. He doens't have to take the title of Dad. They have a dad. He apparently treats them and her well. She is making an issue out of a nonissue. He just isn't comfortable with that. Doesn't mean he doesn't love them or her. But, if she wants to blow up a good relationship and possibly imagine all kind of malicious intent everywhere, then go for it.
It says he (bf) is the only dad they have ever known. It's safe to assume bio dad isn't in the picture.
He likes playing house but he has the ability to walk away at any second.
He is giving a very solid message to the LW.
She's refusing to see it.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. It makes me pause that he's still 'boyfriend' and that he's so adamant about not being called dad. Like others, I'd want to know why he's so resistant to being called dad. On the other hand, I dated one guy with a kid for almost 2 years. She never called me mom and I never gave it a thought so, in a way, I can also understand the boyfriend not wanting to be called dad.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. It makes me pause that he's still 'boyfriend' and that he's so adamant about not being called dad. Like others, I'd want to know why he's so resistant to being called dad. On the other hand, I dated one guy with a kid for almost 2 years. She never called me mom and I never gave it a thought so, in a way, I can also understand the boyfriend not wanting to be called dad.
That's a good point too, and as a mother, I would want the relationship to be more permanent before having my kids call someone dad.
They are not married. Since she still calls him her "boyfriend" not fiance shows that they haven't talked about marriage even though they have been together 4 years. I may be cynical , but it doesn't sound like he is sure he wants to make a permanent commitment to her or her children so he is uncomfortable being called daddy.
I agree completely.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
We do not seem to know too much about the BF, but he may feel that it is not correct to call someone Dad who is not the biological dad... Just a thought.
We do not seem to know too much about the BF, but he may feel that it is not correct to call someone Dad who is not the biological dad... Just a thought.
That's my point. Stepdad is a pretty recent notion in the history of humanity.
Apparently he really isn't in it for the long haul, contrary to her beliefs.
She says he's a wonderful guy, and that he may be. But after four years, no marriage and refusal to take on the title of Dad to her children would give me pause.
I don't agree with that. He doens't have to take the title of Dad. They have a dad. He apparently treats them and her well. She is making an issue out of a nonissue. He just isn't comfortable with that. Doesn't mean he doesn't love them or her. But, if she wants to blow up a good relationship and possibly imagine all kind of malicious intent everywhere, then go for it.
It says he (bf) is the only dad they have ever known. It's safe to assume bio dad isn't in the picture.
That is a possibility. But, shame on her for moving in a BF into her kids lives, treating him like dad and not being married. She shouldn't have even allowed this situation in the first place.
