Dear Amy: I’ve been dealing with epilepsy and its unknown causes for more than 20 years. Several tests by my neurologist mark me as a good candidate for surgery. I’m currently planning surgery to possibly prevent future seizures. I know this is very difficult for my husband and teenage daughter to have to live with and accept. I try to be as positive as I can so as not to bring others down.
I’m not allowed to drive, several prescriptions are beginning to affect my memory and I repeat myself often (so I’m told). My daughter isn’t old enough for her driver’s license, so Dad takes over as the family transporter.
My daughter always responds to me in a negative way, angrily shrugging her shoulders with an agitated reply, as if I should know that. When I ask how she likes her new water bottle, she points out, “It’s a water bottle, Mom,” and immediately turns to tell her dad about all of its great features. Anything I say is argued, corrected or simply tagged as wrong. I’m afraid to bring up conversations with her to avoid the embarrassing skepticism. I feel like she doesn’t want me here; her dad alone is sufficient; I’m not part of the family like I used to be.
Is she just being a teenager and do I have to accept her behavior as part of growing up? Does she understand that this is difficult for me, too? Shouldn’t we be able to strengthen each other as a team? Is she subconsciously preparing for negative results from the surgery? Is there something I can do to ease this situation for all of us? — Incompetent Mom
Dear Mom: Your daughter is behaving like a typical teen, but in a stressful and atypical situation. Some of her anger toward you might be an honest expression of how put-out she is that you aren’t well (teenagers tend to see the world primarily from the vantage of how it affects them). But her anger toward you might also be a function of how worried and anxious she is about your very serious illness and surgery.
You and your husband should call a “family meeting,” with the express purpose of talking to your daughter about your upcoming surgery. She may roll her eyes, check her nails, or jones for her phone (all phones should be off), but she will also be listening to you. If you engage her through honest information but discuss your illness’s impact on HER, she will feel included and validated. Ask if she has questions. She may respond with snark, but she will leave the table knowing that you care about her and are trying very hard to communicate.
Teenagers frequently respond poorly to one (or both) parents, and then feel ashamed but trapped by their own behavior. Stay open to her and be tolerant and forgiving, without being a doormat.
The girl is terrified of losing her mother, but is unable to express her fear in a positive manner and/or be able to talk about her feelings. Mom and dad need to have a discussion and mom needs to let dad take care of this problem. The girl needs to express her fears, deal with her feelings and not take it out on mom, because that's what teenagers do when they lack experience with trauma.
Our kids had a struggle dealing with the fear of losing me when I was diagnosed with cancer. DS was so angry, as a young adult. He did know enough to stand with us though.
I feel bad for this whole family facing this ordeal. It will not be easy, but it can be done with positive support.
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I don't know . . . . I used to have the same 'waterbottle' conversation with my mom. And then turn around and go into great excited detail about the same thing with my aunt. Not because my mom was sick or because I was afraid of losing her, but because I didn't like her very much, she wasn't very nice and I didn't want to talk to her.
If mom's not feeling very loved, maybe she should look beyond her illness and see if she is doing something to push her daughter away.
Those are good points as well. It's a two way street. However, regardless of how the teen feels, she doesn't get to be disrespectful to her mom. Dad should be stepping in and telling her that her behavior is unacceptable. And, yes, maybe she is afraid but she has had this condition for 20 yrs. This isn't a recent development and the daughter has known that her mom has had epilepsy all of her life.
Teens do break away and want independence. She may see mom as a hindrance to her budding independence. But, her daughter needs to be taught how to properly treat people as well. And, treating your mom like a second class citizen should not be permitted. Yes, you cannot force anyone to love someone else. However, there can be basic respect in the home.
