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ed11563


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Q. Technophobe parents: Like most people my age (late 20s), I communicate primarily over email, text, and Facebook. Unfortunately, my retired parents—particularly my mom, who is most involved in her children’s lives—don’t use any of these things. They don’t use cellphones, my dad rarely checks or responds to his personal email account, and my mom seems uninterested in using the house’s one computer. Instead, my mom calls me multiple times a day, peppering me with questions about my daily life until I’m exasperated and force an end to the conversation.

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I love my mom for the wonderful, smart, funny person she is, but I’ve come to dread these daily conversations and the people we become during them. I’m jealous of friends with tech-savvy parents who are comfortable texting news links and photos back and forth—I would love to get some of those classic “mom texts”! My mom is upset about my reluctance to talk to her and about my monosyllabic responses to her questions, and she maintains that she and my dad have the right to lead unplugged lives. Is there any solution?

A: I don’t think the problem is that your mother and father don’t text or email; I think the problem is that your mother calls you multiple times a day. That’s just good old-fashioned overparenting. You need to set up a time for a weekly (or biweekly, or whatever frequency works for you) call and let your mother know that you’re not always available to pick up the phone and gab. When she calls outside of those times, you do not have to pick up the phone. I’d get exasperated with anyone who called me several times a day “just to chat” and ask me questions about what I’m doing right now. Set some clear limits around communication so that when you do speak to your mother, you’re able to be cheerful and engaged, because you know it’s not part of an ongoing conversation that never ends and never relents.



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Vette's SS

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I'd put a one or two call a week limit and let them know if they want to talk to you more often then they need to text or email. They have a right to lead unplugged lives, but if it benefits them to talk to their child more, they might reconsider.

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Vette


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That's kind of an awkward situation. I would feel really bad if I had to tell my mom to quit calling so much, even if there was a nice way to say it I know it would hurt her feelings.

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I think you have to find a balance. It isn't hard to field mom's calls. Maybe talk to her twice a week. Or, plan a day to talk on the phone. Then if you are not available by phone, tell her that it would be helpful if she could learn to text. If she really wants to talk , then she will learn. Offer to get help her with a phone or computer so she can get on board. But that
will take some time and probably a lot of tears until she gets it. Or, she just needs to accept she cannot talk to you by phone everyday.

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Cheerios4606


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I have a relative that is a gabber. A REAL GABBER. I cannot stand small talk over the phone, so when she calls I simply dont answer. She texted one time and said I never answer my calls and I answered saying 'correct... cuz I dont like to talk on the phone. text me if you must.' I think it hurt her feelings but it isnt the first time I have told her I dont like talking on the phone. I really do not care to discuss stupid stuff like food that gives you gas, or why you think moms yelling at their kids while on the phone with tech support is funny. Text me the bullet points if it is important.

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Frozen Sucks!

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So daughter only wants to communicate through a means that she prefers but doesn't give her mother the same consideration? That's damn selfish since its her MOTHER. Geesh

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lilyofcourse


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I miss the days of real conversation and time spent with intention.

The daughter needs to stop being a brat.

And yes, mom needs to back off.

But I can't imagine telling either of my parents they can only talk to me once or twice a week.



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Momala


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Perhaps the Mom isn't comfortable using a phone to "write" to someone, or a computer to "talk" with someone.

How's about the daughter sits down with Mom and gives her a tutorial on how to work these things? Explain it in terms of "well, a computer is just a glorified typewriter" that can do research for you. Save the direct phone calls for urgent matters.

And daughter can initiate some of the calls - "I've only got a moment, but just wanted to touch base with you before my next meeting. You and Dad OK? Great! I'll give you a call again tomorrow. Bye now. Love you."



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I don't think the LW is off base for not wanting someone (even her mother) to call multiple times a day. That would be too much for most people. And it doesn't sound like she doesn't want to talk to her parents on the phone at all, just if they want to talk multiple times a day, it would be helpful if they would text or email some of the things they want to say.



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ed11563


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Spouse figures out that the kids were texting a lot, and wanted to join in.

I got her a smart phone, and she's using it, often to text the kids instead of making a lot of short phone calls.

So far, so good.



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Momala


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That a great step in the right direction, Ed.

You feeling OK?



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ed11563


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Momala wrote:

That a great step in the right direction, Ed.

You feeling OK?

I wasn't scared when I was in the hospital, having 5 operations. I understand operations.

I'm scared NOW, looking at fighting this thing that's eating me alive.

Too many ways it could kill me.

 

I'm signed up for a clinical trial of two drugs together at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.

I probably have the best doctor in the country for my particular type of kidney cancer.

That's good; I'm still frightened. Maybe once the chemo starts I'll feel more in control.

 



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chef


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*hugs* Ed

I pray you'll beat the cancer.

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Momala


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Ed ~

I LOVE MSK - when I signed up to be a bone marrow donor, I ALMOST matched a young man there - I was just one number off. I often wonder what happened to him.

MSK is the best in the nation - I'm glad you're with them.



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I'm glad too, Ed. Sending you lots of warm thoughts!

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flan327


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Momala wrote:

Ed ~

I LOVE MSK - when I signed up to be a bone marrow donor, I ALMOST matched a young man there - I was just one number off. I often wonder what happened to him.

MSK is the best in the nation - I'm glad you're with them.

 Because you DO deserve the best, ed.

flan



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I signed up to be a bone marrow donor at City of Hope. I was a match to someone, a 65 year old man, but they had to wait for him to go into remission before they could perform the transplant. It's been a few years and I often wonder what happened to him as well. I remember from my friend who has leukemia the older you get, the less likely they are to do the bone marrow transplant. My ex donated his marrow. As rotten as he was to me, he did a good thing by donating. Years after our divorce and after we were both remarried, I remembered this and much to his surprise, I helped him get a job which he still holds.

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ed11563


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Thank you for the encouragement, my friends,

Ed



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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
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