TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Miss Manners: Inlaws Won't Remove Shoes

FNW · Guru

The first time an old boyfriend came to visit me, he stepped inside and removed his shoes. He was a State Dept. employee who lived in numerous countries, where this was a culture. I was impressed, and my carpets were much cleaner as a result. It's a culture I have adopted since the boys' allergy diagnoses.

Shoeless homes are not uncommon anymore. I don't think it's too much to ask, but it can be awkward if one refuses. And still, it's a PIA for some. We have a shoeless home, but I don't expect my guests or workers to remove their shoes unless they are wet or muddy. My boys automatically remove their shoes when they go in others' homes. It's a habit with them. I have neighbors where, when walking into their home seeing a basket of shoes next to the front door under or next to a bench, signaling to me this is a shoeless home, I automatically remove mine. It's a courtesy.

My in-laws are aware my home is shoeless (as best as practicable), understand it's because of my children's health, and flat out refuse to remove theirs. It sounds as though this is the case with the OP. While MM feels their comfort should be put first, she neglects the importance of common courtesy and respect for the host's home. Respect for feelings run both ways, and there should be some compromise. Perhaps removing shoes before proceeding upstairs or down the hall towards sleeping quarters and possibly that dreaded "light colored" carpets might exist, permitting shoes downstairs where there are hardwoods? Or keeping a comfortable pair of shoes or slippers to slide into when they visit?

Lindley · Guru

Where my dd lived in Asia you take off your shoes. I like that custom, I started taking off my shoes now. I don't blame her for being upset, she has a right to expect her in laws to respect her home.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

A question for those regarding removing shoes. Do you offer house shoes like other cultures do?

I think it is rude to refuse to remove shoes, but I also think it rude to insist people remove their shoes (unless there is a health reason like FWM). No win situation.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

DH always wears shoes in the house...even sometimes when he's watching TV in bed.

I never do.

It's something that has never bothered me, frankly.

flan

FNW · Guru

I do not offer house shoes, but my parents keep some in my home to wear. When visiting a Japanese family in Takehara, no house shoes were provided. House shoes were not provided when visiting Temples either. Everyone, ourselves included, wore our own socks.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

I can't go barefoot anymore.

Between back surgery and surgery to fix my fractured leg, I'm miserable if I have to walk barefoot.

I have clean shoes and slippers that I put on when I come in from outside.

When I visit someone with a shoeless home, I bring my slippers with me.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Fort Worth Mom wrote:
I can't go barefoot anymore.
Between back surgery and surgery to fix my fractured leg, I'm miserable if I have to walk barefoot.
I have clean shoes and slippers that I put on when I come in from outside.
When I visit someone with a shoeless home, I bring my slippers with me.

I can't go barefoot, either. I like the idea of a shoeless house, so I'd never complain, but I would need to know so I could bring house shoes. Our house is not shoeless - we have pets, so it seems pointless.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Fort Worth Mom wrote:
I can't go barefoot anymore.
Between back surgery and surgery to fix my fractured leg, I'm miserable if I have to walk barefoot.
I have clean shoes and slippers that I put on when I come in from outside.
When I visit someone with a shoeless home, I bring my slippers with me.
I can't go barefoot, either. I like the idea of a shoeless house, so I'd never complain, but I would need to know so I could bring house shoes. Our house is not shoeless - we have pets, so it seems pointless.

That's how we are, too!

Some folks kick off their shoes out of habit.

But, we don't ask anyone to. smile

FNW · Guru

That's why my mother brings house shoes. Walking on the bare floors hurts her back.

The neighbors who have a shoeless house have a dog. I can't figure that one out either, but I still complied.

Having a shoeless house, I come to expect it elsewhere and plan accordingly any time I visit someone else's home, whether I need to or not. I will either wear shoes that require socks, or slip a pair of something in my bag before I leave the house, JIC.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I always take my shoes off inside the door wherever I go. It is just habit. My house isn't really a shoe free zone. I just don't like wearing shoes. Sean used to irritate the crap out of me by putting his shoes on my glass coffee table.

apple · Guru

Lexxy wrote:
I always take my shoes off inside the door wherever I go. It is just habit. My house isn't really a shoe free zone. I just don't like wearing shoes. Sean used to irritate the crap out of me by putting his shoes on my glass coffee table.

Same here.... most people I know take their shoes off in the home.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

We only wear shoes if we have to. That's the way it is around here for most people I know.

As for the OP, I never have understood the concept of not talking to some about things because they are inlaws.

If you have a problem, speak up. I've yet to meet anyone who can read minds.

Don't want the inlaws doing certain things in your house, tell them. And don't let them run rough shod over you.

Ohfour · Hooker

All of our Canadian friends take their shoes off immediately after entering our house. I've never seen anything like it. It's just automatic for them.

I don't expect people to take off their shoes, nor have I ever been to someone's house where no shoes were the rule. I wouldn't care one way or the other, it's just not something done here...

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Yeah - not really anything I would think twice about. I actually get a little uncomfortable when people tell me to just keep my shoes on. Like, do you know where these shoes have been? They've been all over the ground all over the city!

In summer when I'm not wearing socks inside my little flats or flipflops, I carry a pair of clean socks in my purse.

And yes - a lot of people keep a basket of slippers (usually just the cute little knit ones) by the door for those that would like them.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I don't understand why she can't tell them shoes off or no come in. And stop doing that project. No thank you...
It's possible that her inlaws are obnoxious. If so she's going to have to be the bad guy.
Gawd can't people open their mouths and Speak?

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Thursday 2nd of June 2016 01:16:51 PM

apple · Guru

Tignanello wrote:
Yeah - not really anything I would think twice about. I actually get a little uncomfortable when people tell me to just keep my shoes on. Like, do you know where these shoes have been? They've been all over the ground all over the city!

In summer when I'm not wearing socks inside my little flats or flipflops, I carry a pair of clean socks in my purse.

And yes - a lot of people keep a basket of slippers (usually just the cute little knit ones) by the door for those that would like them.

Right?! lol I still take them off...

Ohfour · Hooker

I would actually rather people keep their shoes on in my house. (well, guests anyway).

I think it's sloppy to run around in socks or bare feet during a dinner party.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Ohfour wrote:
I would actually rather people keep their shoes on in my house. (well, guests anyway).

I think it's sloppy to run around in socks or bare feet during a dinner party.

Yes - I think dinner parties that are more than a few friends crashing on the couch with pizza deserve a little more decorum. However, I don't wear my everyday - covered in city dirt shoes to those. However, some people do take shoes off for that too. Of course, I grew up in a farming/mining community so you REALLY didn't know where those shoes had been . . .

FNW · Guru

I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.

NAOW · Vette's SS

We take our shoes off when coming inside but I don't ask guests too. If they ask, I tell them to do whatever they are comfortable with.

apple · Guru

FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.

My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.

Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.

FNW · Guru

I do, too, apple.

Ohfour · Hooker

apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.

The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.

Unless there is a medical issue for it.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.

Make note not to visit Oh4. cry

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.

This is why there are socks in my purse and hosts (who are aware and polite) provide slippers

-- Edited by Tignanello on Thursday 2nd of June 2016 02:19:27 PM

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lexxy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.
Make note not to visit Oh4.

I wouldn't know which utensil to use at a dinner party. I always eat the entree with a salad fork... evileye

flan

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

flan327 wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.
Make note not to visit Oh4.
I wouldn't know which utensil to use at a dinner party. I always eat the entree with a salad fork...
flan

Start at the outside & move inward with the silverware. Easy-peasy unless they get tricky & place something above the plate. I think that's for the soup spoon but I might be wrong. My friends are not a very formal group.

apple · Guru

Tignanello wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.
This is why there are socks in my purse and hosts (who are aware and polite) provide slippers

-- Edited by Tignanello on Thursday 2nd of June 2016 02:19:27 PM

I too have a small pair of socks in my bag. :)

apple · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.
Make note not to visit Oh4.
I wouldn't know which utensil to use at a dinner party. I always eat the entree with a salad fork...
flan

Start from the outside in, as far as the utensils are lined up. :) I wouldn't care if you ate everything with your soup spoon.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lexxy wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
apple wrote:
FNW wrote:
I think dinner parties are different. You expect to have to clean floors, possibly carpets, afterwards. And guests usually aren't traipsing upstairs where the bedrooms are and where, IMO, it's more important to keep germs and allergens out.
My carpets, tiles etc are always clean. I can't imagine why anyone would want to wear their shoes in my house.
Am I weird? I vacuum and sweep as needed. I find that by having people automatically take their shoes off, my floors etc don't get dirty.
The comfort of my guests is more important than having to vacuum a bit more. I thinks it's rude to run around someone's house in bare feet.
Unless there is a medical issue for it.
Make note not to visit Oh4.
I wouldn't know which utensil to use at a dinner party. I always eat the entree with a salad fork...
flan
Start at the outside & move inward with the silverware. Easy-peasy unless they get tricky & place something above the plate. I think that's for the soup spoon but I might be wrong. My friends are not a very formal group.

I know that, but, like you, my friends are very informal.

When I'm at home, I prefer to eat ice cream with a plastic spoon!

flan

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

The spoon & fork at the top are coffee and dessert. That's why they're out of the way for the main courses!

Also, the fork handle should point left so that the "butler" only need pull it into place by the end of the handle and the spoon handle should point right for the same reason. Two small movements and the table is reset for dessert and coffee before the women head into the parlour and the men go for cognac and cigars.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

The soup spoon should be in it's correct place on the right of the plate based on the order of courses. On the outside if soup is first, or just inside if there is an appetizer course or amuse bouche requiring silverware (although that is not usually the case) or shellfish (like oysters) before it.

Also, little known fact . . . the salad should be the last course following the main before dessert. So the fiber doesn't rot in your belly during the rest of the meal!

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Well aren't you all Little Miss Etiquette! I thought the salad as last course was European. If I had it last I'd never eat salad being too full from the main course.

apple · Guru

Tignanello wrote:
The soup spoon should be in it's correct place on the right of the plate based on the order of courses. On the outside if soup is first, or just inside if there is an appetizer course or amuse bouche requiring silverware (although that is not usually the case) or shellfish (like oysters) before it.

Also, little known fact . . . the salad should be the last course following the main before dessert. So the fiber doesn't rot in your belly during the rest of the meal!

That was something I had to get used to when dating an Italian man, eating salad AFTER the meal. :)

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Lexxy wrote:
Well aren't you all Little Miss Etiquette! I thought the salad as last course was European. If I had it last I'd never eat salad being too full from the main course.

Technically I'm trained in classical French service. Which I guess is Europe. However, I don't know if the Brits do salad first or last .... English service is a pain in the a$$ and somewhat 'uncouth' compared to French.

(at one point I considered going to Butler School because I worked in such high-end service. They actually have that!)

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Tignanello wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Well aren't you all Little Miss Etiquette! I thought the salad as last course was European. If I had it last I'd never eat salad being too full from the main course.
Technically I'm trained in classical French service. Which I guess is Europe. However, I don't know if the Brits do salad first or last .... English service is a pain in the a$$ and somewhat 'uncouth' compared to French.
(at one point I considered going to Butler School because I worked in such high-end service. They actually have that!)

Actually, British service has the salad early in the courses. When my team served the Queen it was the first or second course - I can't remember ... it was a very long time ago.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Tignanello wrote:
Tignanello wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Well aren't you all Little Miss Etiquette! I thought the salad as last course was European. If I had it last I'd never eat salad being too full from the main course.
Technically I'm trained in classical French service. Which I guess is Europe. However, I don't know if the Brits do salad first or last .... English service is a pain in the a$$ and somewhat 'uncouth' compared to French.
(at one point I considered going to Butler School because I worked in such high-end service. They actually have that!)
Actually, British service has the salad early in the courses. When my team served the Queen it was the first or second course - I can't remember ... it was a very long time ago.

You served the Queen? Very impressive.

FNW · Guru

I agree, French service is far superior to English service. For the French, it's a profession.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Lexxy wrote:
Tignanello wrote:
Tignanello wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
Well aren't you all Little Miss Etiquette! I thought the salad as last course was European. If I had it last I'd never eat salad being too full from the main course.
Technically I'm trained in classical French service. Which I guess is Europe. However, I don't know if the Brits do salad first or last .... English service is a pain in the a$$ and somewhat 'uncouth' compared to French.
(at one point I considered going to Butler School because I worked in such high-end service. They actually have that!)
Actually, British service has the salad early in the courses. When my team served the Queen it was the first or second course - I can't remember ... it was a very long time ago.
You served the Queen? Very impressive.

Not me personally - we had a huge team. I did, however, enable a Duchess of Something or Other to spit out her gum before the Queen arrived . . .

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Darn, Tig --

Can I have your autograph????

flan

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

flan327 wrote:
Darn, Tig --

Can I have your autograph????

flan

I should have saved the gum and posted it on E-Bay . . .

FNW · Guru

Form it into the shape of Jesus's face and it will increase the value.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Well, I can visit O4. I can't even get socks on anymore. Never wear them.

And I sometimes have to slip my shoes off to get up.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I didn't get to read all the responses. Just got home and gotta head out. But, i think that it depends. If you are having a dinner party or something, not sure you should require people to remove shoes. Also, there are people who have foot problems or serious foot odor so that removing shoes is very embarrassing to them.
I mean, yeah if you were out working in the yard, then you don't come tromping in with dirty muddy shoes. On the other hand, if you are just out and about and have clean shoes on then i don't mind that so much .

huskerbb · Guru

WTF is the matter with people? The LW is brainless.

Duh!!!! How do I tell someone something that will be really hurtful--without hurting their feelings.

Jeebus h. christo how stupid can people be. There is NO MAGIC WAND to make bad news sound good or hurtful things to not cause hurt feelings.

The LW IS going to be the "bad guy". She also has to remember that it's her husband's house, too. Her parents probably do things that annoy the he!! out of him--but she still, apparently, has no problem if they come over to stay.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I actually hate when people require that I take my shoes off. A lot of times my pants don't fit properly without my shoes on -- short people problems. They drag on the ground if I don't have on shoes. Also, I feel it implies that the guest is so filthy that you don't want them spoiling your nice things, so they should take off their shoes. We actually stopped going to one person's house here at school because it was a shoeless house and it was such a pain in the behind to remember to wear different shoes, socks, etc when we went there. I don't want to traipse around your house in my bare feet or in my socks. No thanks.

That said, in winter...all bets are off. Take off your boots if they are snowy. However if you are expecting company, you should shovel and make your home accessible without the need to get snowy.

chef · Guru

Personally, I prefer to be barefoot. I hate wearing shoes and most shoes hurt my right foot because its deformed.

We have faux wood floors throughout the apartment so it's easy enough to clean up if anyone tracks in mud.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Shoes are nastier than toilets.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Germs are everywhere.

Maybe it comes after 35+ years of working with the public (especially kids), but germs are just a part of life. They always have been and they always will.

Yes, by all means, take reasonable precautions, but let the body's immune system do the job it was designed to do.

flan