DEAR ABBY: Mom is 61. She lost her husband (my dad) six months ago. They had been married for 37 years. He used to do almost everything for her. Now her world has changed because she must do things for herself -- like doing the dishes or paying the bills.
When we talk, she constantly complains about tasks that have the simplest of solutions. If I offer advice, she gets defensive and says, "Fine! Tell me how I should live my life." I have reached the conclusion that she doesn't want advice, but she continues to complain and be upset. My siblings and I don't live close by. How can we help her? -- CARING DAUGHTER IN COLORADO
DEAR DAUGHTER: Six months ago, your mother lost half of her "self." Tasks that seem ordinary to you are still new to her. Resist the urge to help with advice unless you are specifically asked. And recognize that when she complains, rather than looking for advice, she may be venting about her pain and frustration.
Dear Daughter: Only 6 months ago? Maybe you've handled your grieving process, but clearly your Mom hasn't. Not only has she lost her "other half", but she is having to learn all sorts of day-to-day tasks, each one of which reminds her of her loss. Be patient with her - she's still hurting terribly.
Mom needs time to adjust to her new normal. Her complaining is a way of saying how she is struggling with her new existence. She just needs to listen. Mom doesn't need exacting advice on how to do things. Just listen. I went through this with my mom as well. It is very overwhelming for them. You just have to be there. As for not having sibs around, that is their loss if they don't want to be their for their mother.
However, people should not set up their lives where someone else "does everything" for them. Fortunately, my mom was a very resilient person. She was quite independent. So, she did adjust. But even still, they had their way where dad took out the trash and emptied the dishwasher and did certain things and she did others. She didn't handle the money at all, so that was something she really had to learn.
I had to go through it with my mom as well. Luckily she handled the money so that wasn't an issue. LW just needs to listen & be there. Mom is still trying to work through her changed world. 37 years is a long time & to expect her to be ok in 6 months is unreasonable.
Perhaps regularly responding to the complaining needs adjusting? "Mom, are you asking me for advice on how to fix this, or are you just venting? Either answer is perfectly acceptable."
Dad has been gone a year now, and mom is still adjusting to his loss. There are some things that are very difficult for her to decide on her own. Mom is still in that "lost" phase. So, I can sympathize with the mother on this one. DD needs to listen and only offer advice when asked. Grief is a process. Some take longer to go through the grieving process than others.
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