Q. Was I a mean girl?: I am 62 years old. I recently received a Facebook message that was a diatribe about how cruel I was to a girl in high school. The message was fairly long and gave a few different specific examples of how mean I was. I do not remember this woman at all. I went through my old yearbooks and found her listing. It didn’t have a picture. She was at our school for one semester. She wasn’t in any clubs I was in. I asked the friends I had in high school whom I still keep in touch with if they remembered her. They do not.
If I behaved badly to this woman, I would like to apologize. However, I do not want to apologize for something I didn’t do. The specifics mentioned were things like “brushing past me in the hall,” which was a “show of disrespect.” I can see that I might have brushed past somebody in the hall, but I certainly never meant any disrespect. So on one hand, if I hurt her feelings I’d like to apologize. However, I don’t want to say something like “If I hurt you, I’m sorry,” because that isn’t a real apology. I can’t help wondering if she really meant this email for me. She was at the school for only a short time, and I don’t think I ever had a reputation for being mean—“stuck up,” we called it back then. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking that I didn’t hurt a girl so badly she’d nurse a grudge for over 40 years. Is there a way to phrase a response where I acknowledge her pain, apologize for any hurt I caused, but suggest she might not have the right “mean girl”?
A: This is not an instance where you need to carefully re-evaluate how you view your own past behavior. You’ve confirmed your memory with other people and official records, and you barely knew this person. If the worst thing she can remember about you is that you once brushed past her in a hallway almost 45 years ago, you’re under no obligation to apologize or even respond. The fact that she’s cataloged people she went to school with for a few months and may have bumped into her during passing period as her enemies suggests that she is unwell, and there is nothing that you, an absolute stranger, can do for her. Leave the message alone, and don’t trouble yourself by trying to imagine some forgotten wrong you must have committed to earn her decades-long ire.
I'd just laugh at the idot and not worry about it.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Wow. High school is not an easy time for most people, but you get through it and move on. I mean, unless someone was overtly a bully - there is so not an excuse for this. I agree that the message sender is a bit unhinged.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I also agree the person seems more unhinged and out of touch than a valid source of history. Still... it would cost me absolutely nothing to respond with a heartfelt apology even though I don't believe I am guilty. What harm can come from a brief response:
"You know something, I don't remember you or the treatment you received from me, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't gain closure to this. I am so very sorry for the way you were treated and I certainly hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
There. All done. You can walk away, she can walk away, and the path to healing can begin.
I actually confronted my high school bully a few years after high school. We happened to be in a program together and she was trying to be friendly with me. I told her that I didn't want anything to do with her because she used to trip and push me down (she actually caused me to fracture my coccyx) and spit on me when we went to school together.
She said she didn't remember any of that and gave me a half hearted apology.
At least I never saw her again after the program was over.
I actually confronted my high school bully a few years after high school. We happened to be in a program together and she was trying to be friendly with me. I told her that I didn't want anything to do with her because she used to trip and push me down (she actually caused me to fracture my coccyx) and spit on me when we went to school together. She said she didn't remember any of that and gave me a half hearted apology. At least I never saw her again after the program was over.
I actually confronted my high school bully a few years after high school. We happened to be in a program together and she was trying to be friendly with me. I told her that I didn't want anything to do with her because she used to trip and push me down (she actually caused me to fracture my coccyx) and spit on me when we went to school together. She said she didn't remember any of that and gave me a half hearted apology. At least I never saw her again after the program was over.
Yikes! Wow! How do they not remember that crap?
They remember, and lie about it.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I remember a few times growing up when I was picked on for whatever reason.
Being the new kid in the 8th grade was interesting for about a week. Then they moved on to someone else.
But if I had allowed myself to get stuck in that, I'd be one of those whiny "poor me" victims.
I don't remember having anyone get violent and breaking anything.
That seems a bit extreme.
But still, that was 40 years ago.
No. You don't have to be friends and you can hold a grudge but the only one that hurts is you.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
