Dear Prudence, My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. She is manipulative and mentally ill. (She refuses to see a professional, so we can’t confirm our suspicions that she is bipolar.) She also has a progressive, debilitating illness that confines her to her home with the help of paid aides. She spent four months hospitalized this year, forcing us to take care of her dog Maggie as we were also caring for my terminally ill grandmother. Unfortunately, our dog and my mom’s dog were unable to get along (two emergency vet trips with stitches), and we had to find a new home for Maggie. Between my grandmother’s death and our inability to care for the dog, my relationship with my mother has deteriorated drastically. She told me I am less important to her than a dog she owned for five months, has verbally abused me repeatedly about my shortcomings as a daughter, threatened to sue me to get the dog back, harassed my colleague (who now owns the dog), and ignored my calls, texts, and emails for days on end while disparaging me online for abandoning her. Now she is answering all of my entreaties with “Please give Maggie back, please” but otherwise refusing to speak when I call. To make matters worse, my grandmother didn’t think my mom could make smart financial decisions and put my mom’s share of the estate into a trust, and this has caused an entirely different drama. At what point am I allowed to stop torturing us both and end this relationship?
—Dog Drama
There’s a lot going on in this letter, but the matter that leaps out to me most readily is this: You gave your mother’s dog away. I’m sure she’s a difficult person and that your relationship has been contentious. She is disabled and may or may not be mentally ill, but neither of these disqualifies someone from owning and caring for a dog. On one side you have all her various shortcomings as a mother, which I don’t discount and which I’m sure have been enormously painful for you. And on the other side there is this: You gave away her dog.
Given the circumstances I don’t blame you for looking for a temporary new home for Maggie. But to give your mother’s dog away permanently without consulting her is inexcusable. No wonder she is alternately lashing out and begging—her daughter gave her dog away while she was in the hospital. Whether she had the dog for five months or five years is irrelevant. What I suspect is that you gave Maggie away because you are exasperated and angry at your mother for a hundred different reasons, and the easiest way to hurt her was through the dog. Whether or not you speak to your mother again, you should give her dog back. Explain to your colleague that you had no right to rehome Maggie, that you’re incredibly sorry and embarrassed, but that your mother misses her dog terribly and now that she’s back from the hospital, you have to take Maggie back to her. If you can’t do that, then you may be more like your mother than you’d like to think.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Well, i am not sure how she can care for a dog if she can't even care for herself. I think she should have told her mom that she cannot keep the dog. And, if mom has resources, then mom can either pay to board the dog or they are going to give her away and then it's her choice.
The mom has paid aides who take care of her needs. Those aides are not responsible for the dog. How exactly is the dog being fed, watered, taken outside, run to the groomer, taken to the vet? It was the right thing to do, the OP just went about it in the wrong way.
Another fine example for New Prudie's youth and inexperience showing. She can't see past the dog. She isn't recognizing that the mother cannot even take care of her own needs, let alone an animal's needs.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
While I don't agree with the daughter giving the dog away, I also don't think the mother is capable of caring for it. I think the daughter could've been more upfront with her mother re the dog and its needs.
From her description of the mother and the fact she had her dog for four months? I think she did the right thing. I would make sure the mother is cared for but I would be backing away from that relationship.
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
Exactly. Taking care if a dog isn't rocket science, especially if it is a healthy dog with low energy needs. Daughter needs to apologize and bring the dog back asap.
If her progressive illness will continue to require hospitalizations for months, then, no, the mother should not have a dog. That being said, the daughter should have had the decency to talk to her mother before she gave it away.
If I read correctly the mother had the dog for 5 months. So the LW had the dog almost as long. This wasn't a dog she had for years. If you have to depend on others to care for your pet then you probably shouldn't have one.
I'm on the fence. She should have at the very least told her mom her plans to rehome the dog, that would give her mom a chance to either figure out an alternate arrangement or come to terms with the fact that she can't take care of it. But to do it behind her back was pretty cruel.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
I'm on the fence. She should have at the very least told her mom her plans to rehome the dog, that would give her mom a chance to either figure out an alternate arrangement or come to terms with the fact that she can't take care of it. But to do it behind her back was pretty cruel.
I first thought this then realized it was urgent she get the dog out of her house. But she should not have "given" it, she should have tried to find someone willing to temporarily care for the dog. It would have cost mom money to do so but that decision is mom's.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
Exactly. Taking care if a dog isn't rocket science, especially if it is a healthy dog with low energy needs. Daughter needs to apologize and bring the dog back asap.
Taking care of a dog, is a big responsibility.
The daughter, took care of the dog, for several months, until the Mom's aggressive dog, put her dog in the hospital, with stiches...not one, but twice.
Mom can't care for this dog.
Daughter tried...and her dog got hurt......twice.
Mom should go pound salt. She can't take care of a dog.
And, she shouldn't expect that her daughter's dog, should keep getting attacked, and bit. With stiches.
Prudie is out of her mind, to be on the side of the crazy Mom.
The Mom, is too infirm/crazy...to own a pet. Of any kind.
I wouldn't trust her with a mouse. Let alone, a dog.
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
Exactly. Taking care if a dog isn't rocket science, especially if it is a healthy dog with low energy needs. Daughter needs to apologize and bring the dog back asap.
Taking care of a dog, is a big responsibility.
The daughter, took care of the dog, for several months, until the Mom's aggressive dog, put her dog in the hospital, with stiches...not one, but twice.
Mom can't care for this dog.
Daughter tried...and her dog got hurt......twice.
Mom should go pound salt. She can't take care of a dog.
And, she shouldn't expect that her daughter's dog, should keep getting attacked, and bit. With stiches.
Prudie is out of her mind, to be on the side of the crazy Mom.
The Mom, is too infirm/crazy...to own a pet. Of any kind.
I wouldn't trust her with a mouse. Let alone, a dog.
The daughter got this dog into a good home.
Crazy Mom, needs to shut the hell up.
JMHO.
FWM, you very rarely have such a strong opinion. It shocks me when you do. And when you do, you hit the nail on the head.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
Exactly. Taking care if a dog isn't rocket science, especially if it is a healthy dog with low energy needs. Daughter needs to apologize and bring the dog back asap.
Taking care of a dog, is a big responsibility.
The daughter, took care of the dog, for several months, until the Mom's aggressive dog, put her dog in the hospital, with stiches...not one, but twice.
Mom can't care for this dog.
Daughter tried...and her dog got hurt......twice.
Mom should go pound salt. She can't take care of a dog.
And, she shouldn't expect that her daughter's dog, should keep getting attacked, and bit. With stiches.
Prudie is out of her mind, to be on the side of the crazy Mom.
The Mom, is too infirm/crazy...to own a pet. Of any kind.
I wouldn't trust her with a mouse. Let alone, a dog.
The daughter got this dog into a good home.
Crazy Mom, needs to shut the hell up.
JMHO.
FWM, you very rarely have such a strong opinion. It shocks me when you do. And when you do, you hit the nail on the head.
That poor dog, is in such a better situation, IKWTDS.
It really sounds like the daughter's friend, who took the dog...will give it a much better life.
The Infirm/Crazy Mom, should never own a pet.
If someone wanted to visit with a therapy animal, that would probably be a nice thing.
I don't doubt, that she (the infirm mom) misses having a dog.
From what I've read, she isn't in the position to own one.
To keep beating her daughter up, over how this all went down...just tells me, she's lost it. She's crazy.
I wouldn't give her a pet of any kind. No way, no how.
If she needs an aide to attend to her own personal needs, no, she isn't in any position to own a pet. The aide isn't responsible for your pets. They don't get paid enough as it is, they don't need extra duties.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
Exactly. Taking care if a dog isn't rocket science, especially if it is a healthy dog with low energy needs. Daughter needs to apologize and bring the dog back asap.
Taking care of a dog, is a big responsibility.
The daughter, took care of the dog, for several months, until the Mom's aggressive dog, put her dog in the hospital, with stiches...not one, but twice.
Mom can't care for this dog.
Daughter tried...and her dog got hurt......twice.
Mom should go pound salt. She can't take care of a dog.
And, she shouldn't expect that her daughter's dog, should keep getting attacked, and bit. With stiches.
Prudie is out of her mind, to be on the side of the crazy Mom.
The Mom, is too infirm/crazy...to own a pet. Of any kind.
I wouldn't trust her with a mouse. Let alone, a dog.
The daughter got this dog into a good home.
Crazy Mom, needs to shut the hell up.
JMHO.
While I can't say I completely disagree, just a point of correction. The LW does not say that mom's dog was the problem. Nor does she say which dog had to have stitches.
The letter doesn't say the dog wasn't being cared for.
We open the door and he goes out, he comes back and let's us know he needs back in.
He gets feed and watered daily. I do it. It isn't hard.
That dog was mom's best friend. Her companion.
The daughter gave the dog away cause she couldn't take care it and probably out of malice.
Exactly. Taking care if a dog isn't rocket science, especially if it is a healthy dog with low energy needs. Daughter needs to apologize and bring the dog back asap.
Taking care of a dog, is a big responsibility.
The daughter, took care of the dog, for several months, until the Mom's aggressive dog, put her dog in the hospital, with stiches...not one, but twice.
Mom can't care for this dog.
Daughter tried...and her dog got hurt......twice.
Mom should go pound salt. She can't take care of a dog.
And, she shouldn't expect that her daughter's dog, should keep getting attacked, and bit. With stiches.
Prudie is out of her mind, to be on the side of the crazy Mom.
The Mom, is too infirm/crazy...to own a pet. Of any kind.
I wouldn't trust her with a mouse. Let alone, a dog.
The daughter got this dog into a good home.
Crazy Mom, needs to shut the hell up.
JMHO.
While I can't say I completely disagree, just a point of correction. The LW does not say that mom's dog was the problem. Nor does she say which dog had to have stitches.
Mom's dog, was the problem.
The daughter, tried to make it work.
It was her dog, that Mom's dog, attacked.
No wonder, the daughter, wants no part of her Mother's dog, in her house.
-- Edited by Fort Worth Mom on Sunday 19th of June 2016 10:00:55 PM
I am trying to imagine being in a position where I am dying and my kids have to take care of me for months at a time. I would want to make it as easy on my kids as possible. I can't imagine reacting the way the mom in the OP did. She is not well.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
The daughter should have lied. She should have told mom the dog ran away after one of the fights with the other dog, and they can't find it.
I agree with Divine Geek, and a little with Prudie. The daughter did not go about this the right way.
Then again, it doesn't sound like Mom has good relationships with people, and this dog is her only companion. I would do whatever I could to make sure my mother had that comfort.
I just really don't like the daughter, and I don't think she did it for the good of the dog - I think she did it to get back at mom.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
According to the OP, Mom had only owned the dog for 5 months & was in the hospital for 4 months. (It's not clear if those time periods overlapped, but I'm assuming they did.)
According to the OP, Mom had only owned the dog for 5 months & was in the hospital for 4 months. (It's not clear if those time periods overlapped, but I'm assuming they did.)
flan
That's what I was thinking. I am against giving pets to elderly and chronically ill person In general. Bringing pets to visit sure, but what happens if like in this case there's a long hospitilization and or decline in condition who is going to be burdened with taking the pets then? And I'm an animal lover .
