Dear Prudence, I am a 23-year-old woman about to start my first full-time job. This means moving out of the family house to a town a day’s drive away. I am excited (and relieved) but also writhing in guilt and anxiety over my mother. My mom and I have a complicated relationship. She is by far the most negative, controlling, and isolated person I have ever known. She never leaves the house unless absolutely necessary. She even used to verbally and emotionally abuse my three younger brothers and me. Still, I empathize with the difficulties she has faced in life. My concern is this: She wavers between being totally controlling and almost incapable of functioning without my help. If I go anywhere for more than a day, the house is always a mess when I get back. I am more than desperate to finally start my own life, but I feel guilty about needing to escape. My brothers have their own hurdles, so I worry about them too. Is there anything I can do?
—Loving but Leaving
The best way you can help your brothers is to move out and develop financial independence.Feigned helplessness is part of your mother’s arsenal of abuse tactics. If she makes you feel responsible for her well-being, she ensures that you’ll never leave her. When force fails, abusers often use manipulation and guilt to keep their victims close to them. Your mother managed to clothe and feed and pick up after herself before you were born; I can assure you that she’s perfectly capable of doing those things now. Move, enjoy your new apartment, trust that you will do your job well, and take the best possible care of yourself. Your brothers will see in you both an example and a resource when they need to make their own escapes someday.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
