TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Miss Manners: Family Mad Because I Didn't Attend Father's Funeral

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There is sick and there is sick. I would think that by Sat, she should have been able to at least walk in and pay her respects and then leave. And, you are far more infectious prior to even being symptomatic than you are at the end stages. There is no reason why the family could not have had a time of private viewing. Or, they could have postponed the funeral for a couple of days to make sure all the family could be there.
To me, sounds like she is just making excuses and can and should have gone at least once. On the other hand, there could have been some accomodations made in regards to her condition as well. Failure on both parts.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Um...I don't know. I think I would have braved it.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

I find it odd that she didn't feel sorry for herself for being unable to attend her own father's funeral.

Nope, she's more concerned about what people think of her.

That's messed up right there.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I mean, get yer sorry arse out of bed. Sheesh. It's the flu, it's not terminal cancer.

Divine Geek · Guru

Other than being hospitalized, in prison, or some how detained or incapacitated, I can't think of any reason I would not attend my father's funeral.

karl271 · Guru

just Czech wrote:
I find it odd that she didn't feel sorry for herself for being unable to attend her own father's funeral.

Nope, she's more concerned about what people think of her.

That's messed up right there.

Judging from the answers so far on this board, she should be more concerned about what other people think.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well, I can say this... I had a best friend for twenty years. I can't even begin to count the times we talked about if I ever got married how she would be my maid of honor. We were so close. Like sisters. And when I got engaged she even picked the date I would get married on. The day before my wedding she called and said she had a urinary tract infection and wasn't coming. I asked her to come to the wedding part (30 minutes) only. She declined. Our relationship has never been the same since. The truth is, like some have said here, for certain instances you pull yourself out of bed for long enough to attend and then go home. It does make a difference.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I think the LW just didn't want to be bothered and that was a convenient excuse. Well, now she has to live with the fall out of that. And, funerals are not only about the deceased. They are about everyone who is grieving. So, to not go just sends the message that you couldn't be bothered or didn't care. Now, maybe she was truly vomiting nonstop. However with the flu, that only lasts 24 hrs generally so i don't buy that she was deathly ill for days with this. Yeah, maybe not feeling 100% but there must have been some point she could have left the house without holding a bucket. And, again, the family could have made some accomodations to make sure she could say goodbye. But, then again, she may not have even bothered to told them until after it was over.
At this point, it is what it is. She can't take it back. There are no do overs. She can apologize to her family and then it is what it is. SHe isn't going to explain herself into getting their approval.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Well, I can say this... I had a best friend for twenty years. I can't even begin to count the times we talked about if I ever got married how she would be my maid of honor. We were so close. Like sisters. And when I got engaged she even picked the date I would get married on. The day before my wedding she called and said she had a urinary tract infection and wasn't coming. I asked her to come to the wedding part (30 minutes) only. She declined. Our relationship has never been the same since. The truth is, like some have said here, for certain instances you pull yourself out of bed for long enough to attend and then go home. It does make a difference.

Well, that's pretty crappy on her part NJN. I am sorry she did that to you.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

karl271 wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I find it odd that she didn't feel sorry for herself for being unable to attend her own father's funeral.

Nope, she's more concerned about what people think of her.

That's messed up right there.
Judging from the answers so far on this board, she should be more concerned about what other people think.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I have mixed feelings on this.

The dead person doesn't care one way or another.

It is about you and other people.

I hate going to funerals. Period.

To me, it's a very personal decision to go to a funeral or not.

Even if it is the parent.

I don't know.

If someone wasn't there, I'd assume it was because they couldn't be, for whatever reason.

FNW · Guru

I'm with Lily. I think it's a personal decision and not a reflection on how she felt about the deceased.

A dear friend of over 20 years died recently. The funeral was on the day of the boys' field trip, which I was already committed to attend as a chaperone. I gave my regrets, and let my friends know the reason I could not attend. They all said that J (the deceased) would have wanted me to put my children first. I really, really, really hated not being able to attend. And I made that clear.

I did not attend the funeral of one of my uncles. I was not able to get an affordable flight out on short notice. I always regretted it. So when my other uncles passed, I made sure I went and brought my parent (whichever one was the deceased's sibling), cashing in credit card points to get airfare. I know that if they hadn't gone, they would have regretted it as well.

Each situation is unique and decisions are personal. Sometimes they are good decisions, sometimes not so much. The LW's family should cut her a break, unless she has a history of flaky behavior and this was just the last straw. We really don't know the whole story, so from what I could glean, I'm not in a position to judge.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I really did not want to go to my pawpaw's funeral. Just didn't want that to be a memory of him.

And he had ALWAYS said he did not want one.

I went for my mawmaw.

And honestly, I wish I hadnt.

Not because I didn't love him.

Now I have the image of him laying dead in my head.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I would respect a person who chose not to go to a parent's funeral. I think the OP is using her "sickness" as an excuse.

1. It's the flu
2. It's her FATHER

Unless there was a history of abuse, etc., she should have gone.

flan

ed11563 · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I really did not want to go to my pawpaw's funeral. Just didn't want that to be a memory of him.

And he had ALWAYS said he did not want one.

I went for my mawmaw.

And honestly, I wish I hadnt.

Not because I didn't love him.

Now I have the image of him laying dead in my head.

Tell me about a time you did something happy with him while he was healthy?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

ed11563 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I really did not want to go to my pawpaw's funeral. Just didn't want that to be a memory of him.

And he had ALWAYS said he did not want one.

I went for my mawmaw.

And honestly, I wish I hadnt.

Not because I didn't love him.

Now I have the image of him laying dead in my head.

Tell me about a time you did something happy with him while he was healthy?

I know what you are trying to do, and I appreciate it.

I have lots of good memories of him.

But what I'm saying is, that's something you can't unsee.

My pawpaw was diagnosed and died in less than 2 months.

ed11563 · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I really did not want to go to my pawpaw's funeral. Just didn't want that to be a memory of him.

And he had ALWAYS said he did not want one.

I went for my mawmaw.

And honestly, I wish I hadnt.

Not because I didn't love him.

Now I have the image of him laying dead in my head.

Tell me about a time you did something happy with him while he was healthy?

I know what you are trying to do, and I appreciate it.
I have lots of good memories of him.
But what I'm saying is, that's something you can't unsee.
My pawpaw was diagnosed and died in less than 2 months.

Still trying.

Pick one and tell me about it ...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

ed11563 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I really did not want to go to my pawpaw's funeral. Just didn't want that to be a memory of him.

And he had ALWAYS said he did not want one.

I went for my mawmaw.

And honestly, I wish I hadnt.

Not because I didn't love him.

Now I have the image of him laying dead in my head.

Tell me about a time you did something happy with him while he was healthy?

I know what you are trying to do, and I appreciate it.
I have lots of good memories of him.
But what I'm saying is, that's something you can't unsee.
My pawpaw was diagnosed and died in less than 2 months.

Still trying.
Pick one and tell me about it ...

When I was little, and couldn't settle for whatever reason, he would "shave" my face.

He would lay me back in his arms and with his business card, he would pretend to shave my face.

And he would talk to me. About the horses or the stuff on mawmaw's shelves or my doll.

And he let me talk and he listened to me.

I was maybe 3 or 4 and I remember that.

There are so many good memories of him.

But it doesn't erase that last image.

You don't understand.

He was so full of life.

I mean busting with life.

You can't understand without knowing him and the speed of his decline.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
I would respect a person who chose not to go to a parent's funeral. I think the OP is using her "sickness" as an excuse.

1. It's the flu
2. It's her FATHER

Unless there was a history of abuse, etc., she should have gone.

flan

I agree. And, it is easier to go and move on with life, even if you don't want to, then not go and live with the fallout of that. If you go and are "wrong" and wish you didn't go, it is a lot easier than if you didn't go and wished you did. So, just go.

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

He died on Wednesday. If her flu symptoms started on Thursday or Friday, she would find it almost impossible to get out of bed on Saturday. And she would still be contagious.

I say give her a break.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
I would respect a person who chose not to go to a parent's funeral. I think the OP is using her "sickness" as an excuse.

1. It's the flu
2. It's her FATHER

Unless there was a history of abuse, etc., she should have gone.

flan

If it was really the FLU - most people cannot leave the house during that. Now, I realize many people like to call other illnesses and colds the flu - but the real flu, with fever, chills, throwing up, and constant sleep? No - you are not going anywhere.

And it's not like it matters. He's still dead whether she goes or not. Funerals are for those who attend - not the dead.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
I would respect a person who chose not to go to a parent's funeral. I think the OP is using her "sickness" as an excuse.

1. It's the flu
2. It's her FATHER

Unless there was a history of abuse, etc., she should have gone.

flan
If it was really the FLU - most people cannot leave the house during that. Now, I realize many people like to call other illnesses and colds the flu - but the real flu, with fever, chills, throwing up, and constant sleep? No - you are not going anywhere.

And it's not like it matters. He's still dead whether she goes or not. Funerals are for those who attend - not the dead.

Exactly. You think she might have added a few details, to "prove" her case.

She will have to deal with the consequences, obviously.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, it's over and done. Only she knows if she did the right thing. As i said, family could have also considered that she was sick and scheduled SOME private time for a viewing. We delayed my dad's funeral so my sis would have time to travel home.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
I would respect a person who chose not to go to a parent's funeral. I think the OP is using her "sickness" as an excuse.

1. It's the flu
2. It's her FATHER

Unless there was a history of abuse, etc., she should have gone.

flan
If it was really the FLU - most people cannot leave the house during that. Now, I realize many people like to call other illnesses and colds the flu - but the real flu, with fever, chills, throwing up, and constant sleep? No - you are not going anywhere.

And it's not like it matters. He's still dead whether she goes or not. Funerals are for those who attend - not the dead.
Exactly. You think she might have added a few details, to "prove" her case.
She will have to deal with the consequences, obviously.
flan

Umm, no. I don't automatically assume someone is lying about their health.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Many employers require a doctor's note after missing 3 or 4 consecutive days.

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Many employers require a doctor's note after missing 3 or 4 consecutive days.

flan

And it's quite an assumption to think she couldn't have gotten one. But you shouldn't have to justify being sick to the world.

FNW · Guru

I can't imagine my boss asking for a note. But I do remember having to present one a few years back when someone different was in charge. And it was because I took a sick day in September, when we are banned from taking leave. Just one sick day. Then I reported her. Haven't had to do that since.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Many employers require a doctor's note after missing 3 or 4 consecutive days.

flan
And it's quite an assumption to think she couldn't have gotten one. But you shouldn't have to justify being sick to the world.

I didn't say that she COULDN'T have gotten one. However, the OP obviously felt the need to justify her actions, hence the letter.

flan