TOTALLY GEEKED!

Dear Prudence,

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s nearly two years ago after years of begging her to see a doctor on my part. She was once a sweet woman whose personality has drastically changed into a defiant, depressed person who refuses to wash her hair, wash her hands and body with soap, or get haircuts. She will forget to eat or drink water throughout the day and refuses all medical care. I have disagreed with my husband and his sister on their level of involvement since her diagnosis. I think she needs full-time treatment to keep her safe, clean, and happy, but they turn a blind eye and let her exist poorly within the confines of her home and her ineffective husband. Last year, upon finding out she had refused food and water for three days, I left work to see her, called 911, and had her deemed unable to make her own decisions, so she could be forced to get medical attention. She was diagnosed once again with severe dementia as well as a UTI. A social worker was working with the family to have her placed in long-term care, when my father-in-law decided to have her checked out because he wanted to go out to dinner. He has not been able to get her to take any of the medications she was prescribed and she has violently turned away all of the home health care aides that are scheduled to come in to help her. I am at a loss—she is not my mother and I don’t have health care proxy or power of attorney, but how do I sit back and do nothing if her kids won’t get her help? Should I call elder care services and report this?

—Unwilling Bystander

Hell yes you should report this, and good on you for having shown the concern her children and husband haven’t. What your mother-in-law is suffering from, in addition to dementia, is chronic neglect, and it’s considered elder abuse. Your husband and his family are willfully ignorant or in denial about the level of care your mother needs, and it’s long past the time when a family meeting would have done any good. They’ve seen her go without food and water for days, lash out in violent confusion, refuse her medication, and they seem perfectly content to let her continue on that way. I’m especially concerned about her husband, who apparently lives in squalid conditions with her, and seems either indifferent to or ignorant of her suffering; he may prove a roadblock in your attempt to secure better care for her. You can call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 hotline to help you deal with the specifics on how best to make sure your mother-in-law is receiving appropriate medical care, but you’re absolutely right to want to go over your in-laws’ heads on this one. They sound like experts in making sure she slips through the cracks of an imperfect system, and if you don’t advocate for her, I’m afraid no one else will.