. Husband doesn’t initiate sex anymore: I’m a 39-year-old woman, and my husband is 43. Our sex life has always been very good, and we each have done our own fair share of initiating. However, in the past few years, the frequency of sex has really dwindled. Currently, as long as I do all of the initiating, our sex life remains great. If I don’t, no sex for months. I’ve found myself becoming somewhat resentful, as it makes me feel like he no longer desires me or cares to make an effort. I’ve talked with him a number of times about this, and I only get the same responses over and over. He says he’s just getting older, his sex drive is down, etc., and he says that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I don’t believe his explanation, as he has no problem getting an erection, is ready to go at the barest of hint from me, and also still masturbates. When I ask him why he masturbates instead of having sex with me, he says he just needs the release in the moment. When we do have sex, he is attentive and loving, though his technique is beginning to wane as well. He’ll often do the same move repeatedly until I ask him to do something else. All the initiating and loving encouragement by me doesn’t seem to matter. I feel like a scheduler and choreographer instead of a wife. He doesn’t think it’s necessary to go to the doctor or a counselor and has a habit of ignoring things until they’re broken, despite repeated conversations. The rest of our marriage is great, but I miss my husband in this regard. How much should I push the issue? Do I “resign” myself to the fact I must do all the work or just give up all together?
A: Your husband’s made it clear that he’s perfectly happy with things the way they are, and you yourself know that he has a habit of “ignoring things until they’re broken” (cue dramatic music: like, perhaps, your marriage!), so it really depends on what you’re willing to live with. Some people could live quite happily with a partner who responded favorably to sexual overtures, was reasonably attentive, and took direction well; others might be miserable with a sex partner’s suddenly transitioning from active to passive. Go to a therapist with or without him; find out what you can live with and what you can’t; and make your limits clear, both to your husband and to yourself. I imagine being partnered to someone with a habit of ignoring problems until someone else is forced to make a decision on his behalf is more than a little maddening; consider whether you are interested in making a lot of decisions on his behalf.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
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