Dear Prudence, I was abused by my husband for our entire marriage. He was an alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper: Anything from not making his hamburger the right way to losing the remote could make him fly off the handle. He didn’t hit our girls until they got older and tried to intervene. When my eldest was 14, she got knocked out trying to protect me, and my youngest ran across the road and called 911. The police came. My eldest had a concussion and a broken arm—in the hospital, she begged me to press charges against their father and go away with them. I didn’t. Child protective services got involved, and all attempts at reconciling the family failed. My daughters refused to see their father after this and loudly tried to provoke him every time we went to court. They both ended up staying with their English teacher until they graduated high school. I rarely saw them. They told me that I needed to choose, and I didn’t choose them. I follow them on Facebook: One went into the military, and the other is a successful translator. Their father died a few years ago, and they did not come to the funeral. I have since been in therapy and started rescuing dogs. I want to reach out to my girls again. I am afraid they will still be angry at me for my abuse and silence. Do you think there is any hope?
—Reconciliation Holdout
Importantly, I think there is great hope for your daughters. They sound like they were finally able to get away from their violent home and develop lives untwisted by daily abuse. I hope they are successful and content and able to give and receive love in their new lives. But I’m not optimistic there is much hope for you to have a relationship with them. I’m doubtful you could make up for the fact that your elder daughter begged you from a hospital bed to press charges against the man who beat all of you, and you stayed with their father even after the state took your children away. You were suffering at his hands too, which does not entirely justify your choices but does, if nothing else, put them in context. It’s good you are in therapy, and I hope it is helping you see that “all attempts at reconciliation failed” because reconciliation was at that point neither desirable nor possible; you cannot “reconcile” a battered child with her abusive father if he is unrepentant and has suffered no consequences for his actions. That you pursued reconciliation with the man who put your daughter in the hospital is a betrayal that may not have softened with time. I’m worried that you don’t say you want to apologize to your children but to “reach out.” If you want anything more than to apologize profusely and full-heartedly to your daughters for failing to protect them, then you will have no way of reaching them at all.
I hope you can try to do more good in the world. I hope you are able to build a life with meaning and value in it. I hope you find joy and companionship with the dogs you rescue and are able to forgive yourself for your past actions and find relief from your past suffering. I hope your daughters can find peace. But I hope they do not have to hear from you again if it brings them pain, unless it’s to hear you say, “I’m sorry,” without expecting anything in return.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
My advice to this person, they were and still are, better off without you. You abandoned them. You chose a monster over your children. Leave them alone. They don't need you and they certainly don't owe you anything.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Not once does she say she is horribly sorry for what she did to them. She shows no remorse whatsoever. She is either highly medicated and in denial still or she is oblivious. She is as big of a monster as her husband.
I have 2 close friends who were in abusive relationships. Both women were paralyzed with guilt over what those relationships did to their children and have worked every day since to let their children know that they would change their behavior if they could. This woman doesn't even seem to regret it. She feels no guilt. She disgusts me.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My advice to this person, they were and still are, better off without you. You abandoned them. You chose a monster over your children. Leave them alone. They don't need you and they certainly don't owe you anything.
I completely agree. She is just as much an abuser as he was.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
We should have a sticky thread for worst parent of the year and dump all of our candidates there and at the end of the year we can decide who was the worst. A Hall of Shame. She wins my vote so far.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
We should have a sticky thread for worst parent of the year and dump all of our candidates there and at the end of the year we can decide who was the worst. A Hall of Shame. She wins my vote so far.
I like this idea! Does the winner get a prize?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
What she did is unforgivable. She needs to leave them alone.
Have you ever watched or heard of Joyce Meyer? She is a lady evangelist and has written several books and does a lot of speaking. Her book "Battlefield of the Mind" is really a fantastic book to read. Anyway, her father sexually abused her when she was a child, for years. She was raped by him over 200 times. And, yet she maintained a relationship with him . Ultimately, she led him to repentance and Christ and she personally baptized him.
The popular Bible teacher recently baptized the man who she says abused her when she was a child Most people don't realize when they watch the petite, sassy-talking evangelist Joyce Meyer walking across the stage in her high heels and fashionable clothes that they are looking at a former victim of long-term sexual abuse. Yet when the charismatic preacher talks about miracles these days, it's with a renewed passion because she has seen God's power change the life of the one who caused her pain.
From the time she was very young until she was a teen-ager, Meyer was sexually molested by her natural father. When she speaks about him, and about what he did, her voice carries great emotion, but a tone of compassion as well.
"He was born in the hills--way back in the hills. In his family, incest was just part of the culture," she says.
Meyer, who grew up in Missouri, was 9 years old when she first told her mother what was happening. Frightened by it, her mother did nothing.
"I guess on some levels, I can understand that. It is easier to believe your 9-year-old daughter is a liar than it is to believe that the man you married could be capable of something so awful," Meyer says.
But something that ultimately made the difference in her situation also occurred that same year. She made a decision that she wanted to be saved.
"I was going to get saved," she said, recalling her youthful boldness and determination, which now are hallmarks of her personality and message. Yet even at church in those days she needed both qualities to get what she needed from God.
"Wouldn't you know it, the pastor didn't give an altar call that night. I sat there in my pew as long as I could, then I grabbed my two cousins' hands and dragged them up with me--'Come on, we're going to get saved!'" she said.
Through tears, the young Meyer stammered to the surprised pastor, "Can you save me?" As she prayed, she felt the cleansing forgiveness of Jesus.
"I always felt dirty. I was always washing, bathing, trying to get clean. And in this one moment, Jesus washed me, and He never left me," she told Charisma.
A verse she had heard--Isaiah 61:7--came to mind: "Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs" (NKJV).
But afterward she still had to return home--back to the abuse. When Meyer was 14, her mother actually walked in while it was occurring.
"I thought: Thank God. Now she'll put an end to it," Meyer said. "But she didn't. She picked up her purse and walked out the door--away from the nightmare."
Meyer says her mother simply did not know what to do, so she did nothing, but Meyer doesn't blame her mother. A few hours later, when her mother returned, Meyer held her breath, waiting for the fallout.
"But she walked in and never said one word," she said.
Only adulthood removed Meyer from her father's assaults. But the abuse was a cloud over the family that never went away.
"We never talked about it. I never confronted the issue," Meyer said.
That was 40 years ago. Meyer has since married, raised children and founded a ministry that today spans the globe, preaching the gospel through television, radio, tapes, books and conferences. She learned early in her ministry that she had to forgive her father, totally and unconditionally, which she says she did.
But two years ago, while he lay on a hospital bed weak and frail, he told her: "Joyce, I am sorry you feel I hurt you. But I still don't understand what was so bad about what I did."
Meyer says that with incredible sadness she left the hospital room not knowing if her father would live through the night and certain that if he died he'd go straight to hell. God told her that she was to move him close to her house and take care of him.
It was a very difficult act of obedience. Meyer's husband, Dave, strongly disagreed with the plan, but it soon was confirmed that God had spoken to Joyce, and Dave agreed to follow His leading.
Every chance she got, Meyer showed her father she loved him. Every need he had, she met. She bought clothes and food and made sure all his basic needs were met.
One day, Meyer's mother found him crying. He called Joyce, asking her and Dave to come over right away. When they arrived, he broke down in tears again.
"I am sorry for what I did to you. I have wanted to say this to you for a long time, but I didn't have the guts," he said. Then he looked at Dave and began to weep again. "Dave, I am sorry for what I did to you, too. I am sorry I hurt your wife. Please forgive me."
Meyer knew in that moment that the miracle of salvation was there for her father. She knelt beside him, and together they prayed the sinner's prayer.
A few days after, Meyer came back to the house after her mother reported that he was doubting his salvation. She used God's Word to encourage him. He then asked Joyce to baptize him.
Meyer baptized her father on December 2, 2001, in front of hundreds of onlookers at the Dream Center that Joyce Meyer Ministries started in the inner city of St. Louis. Though her father's health remained frail at press time, Meyer reported that his soul is "healthier than it's ever been."
Meyer has never mentioned her father's name in public. In order to protect him, she also has chosen not to release her maiden name.
Now, i am not saying what her daughters should do in this situation. Every situation is different. She should be the one putting out the olive branch. Love them from afar. Send a long, heartfelt letter of apology as step 1. Send cards and small holiday gifts. Maybe at some point they will come around, or they won't. There isn't anything she can do about how they react. The only person she can control is herself and her job is to at least offer an apology.
Yes, forgiveness is wonderful. But it doesn't mean you have to bring that person back into your life.
As someone who has forgiven, I can't tell you how much I resented getting cards and letters from the person.
Those girls owe this woman nothing.
Not time, not benefit of doubt, nothing.
They gave her the chance and she threw it in their face.
Forgiveness does not mean bringing someone into your life.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Think that forgiveness means everything is all good and all the wounds are healed.
No.
Yes. We should forgive without conditions.
But that does not mean you bring the poison back into your life.
This woman chose a monster over her children.
A child who was injured while doing what the mom should have done.
So yeah, forgive.
Who says they havent?
But how could you ever trust that person again?
What are you supposed to do?
Invite her to Sunday dinner?
Pretend it never happened.
Forgiveness isn't a magic bandaid.
And "I'm sorry" can mean absolutely nothing.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I wouldn't give that woman the benefit of easing her conscience with forgiveness. I might forgive, but I don't have to let her know, and I certainly don't have to re-live the horrible memories by bringing her back into my life.
When you forgive someone, it is for your benefit more than theirs. And forgiving them doesn't mean allowing them to continue to hurt you. This woman doesn't sound remorseful, she sounds lonely and that's why she wants to see them.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
