Dear Prudence, My mother is truly unhinged. After my dad died, my mom sold their condo and moved in with us. It’s been more than seven years now. She hates my husband and has always had issues with co-workers, neighbors, friends, and family members. Her own sister hasn’t spoken to her in 25 years. I’m an only child, so I’ve always felt I have to just suck it up and deal, but her narcissistic ways have caused me to hate her behavior and, truthfully, to hate her. Mom is a young sixtysomething but extremely lazy and rarely leaves the house.
Recently, one of my aunts told me that my mother seems to be obsessed with the idea of having my husband arrested. If he so much as drops a glass and curses in frustration, she’s going to call the cops and report him for violence (the last thing he could ever be). My husband and I are understandably horrified. I appreciate my aunt’s giving me a heads up, but honestly she’s tied my hands. I can’t confront my mother about this without throwing my aunt under the bus for telling me. Part of me thinks I should just confront my mom and let the chips fall where they may, especially since my family knows that she is irrational, but everyone just seems happy to let me and my husband drown under her emotional weight. I could really use an objective opinion.
—My Hands Are Tied
Stop living with your mother. You do not have to live with your mother because your father is dead. You do not have to live with your mother because you are an only child. You do not have to live with your mother because no one else in your family wants to deal with her. You do not have to live with your mother. So stop living with her. Right now.
Of course you can tell your mother that you’ve heard about her plan to try to have your husband arrested on a false claim. Why on earth would you want to keep that a secret? If this behavior were completely out of character, I might recommend speaking to a doctor about her sudden emotional change, but this sounds fairly in keeping with her pattern of sowing discord and stirring up conflict wherever she goes. Don’t stop at confronting her and letting the chips “fall where they may.” Place the chips in a very specific location. Don’t just have it out over this latest plan; tell her to move out. Give her 30 days, or whatever she’s entitled to as a tenant in your state, but tell her she’s got to clear her stuff out and go. You and your husband are not obligated to live in fear and misery just because your mother likes causing it. You have a bad roommate who happened to give birth to you. Kick her out.
She can simply say, "mom, DH & I need our space back. I will help you look for a place to live. Today." Take her out, go to lunch, make a fun time of it. Over lunch, the subject of mom's plan might be brought up by DD. Get her reaction on neutral ground. But make sure she signs a lease with a firm move-in date. Then once she's out, decide whether she wants to maintain a relationship with her or not. But in the meantime, tread lightly with the knowledge there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Go find one, tell her she's moving, pack her crap and move her.
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I don't think it is as easy as "kick your mom out". Yeah, you might want too, but your mom isn't some random tenant. However, time to live apart from her. So, help find a suitable solution for all of you.
Um, time out. What if mom doesn't have the money for assisted living or senior living? From what I understand, those places are EXPENSIVE and our seniors do not always have the funds to afford such a place.
Um, time out. What if mom doesn't have the money for assisted living or senior living? From what I understand, those places are EXPENSIVE and our seniors do not always have the funds to afford such a place.
If mother is being that horrible, that is really her problem.
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LawyerLady
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